I’m a female member in my late 30s, Type B.

I’m Dai, a male member. I know from women I’ve actually dated that there are certainly some men who want an adult relationship without paying an allowance. Rather than assuming this because they were told that money isn’t the woman’s main motivation, I think these men are probably making the offer to women who can’t say no or tend to go along with things, hoping they might get lucky. You’re the type who wants to deepen the relationship as a B-type arrangement before moving on to an adult relationship, right? First, take the time to carefully assess the man while you’re having meals together. If you don’t receive an allowance after becoming intimate, I think all you can do is accept that you misjudged him and move on to the next one.

I’m Flag Maker, a column writer. You expect your partner to have good manners, never make your intentions clear, and then get put off by the outcome. That responsibility lies 100% with you, the person asking the question. No matter what it is, your intentions won’t get across unless you communicate them. If you’re worried the man might misunderstand, make your intentions clear. I’d probably be able to read the mood, but I can’t guarantee that other men would.

Maezawa from the President’s Office here—I’ll answer this one too. > If I say that the allowance isn’t my top priority and that money isn’t my goal (not that I’m saying I don’t need an allowance), will most men generally take that to mean, “So I don’t have to give her an allowance”? If you say, “The allowance isn’t my top priority,” I think most people will understand that you’re talking about priorities and still expect an allowance to be necessary. But if you say, “Money isn’t my goal,” I think it’s quite common for men to take that as, “So I don’t have to give her an allowance!” In that case, they’ll probably assume that your goal is simply to meet good men, and that if they win you over, you won’t need any money. > Even so, I’d like to date someone who will properly give me a reasonable allowance. That’s perfectly reasonable. However, if you say that money isn’t your goal, they may assume that you’re different from ordinary women and that you’re fine without any money. > Would it be enough to say something like, “I’ll leave it up to you”? I think the best response is: “How much allowance are you looking for?” “I’ll leave it up to you.” Leaving it up to him does mean that even one yen could technically be acceptable—but it does make clear that zero isn’t okay. Any man who takes “I’ll leave it up to you” to mean he can give you nothing is someone who either doesn’t understand Japanese or is dangerous to continue seeing. So there’s also the benefit of finding that out early. On the other hand, if he gives you a generous amount after you leave it up to him, you can also tell that he likes you. You can learn quite a bit about a man by saying, “I’ll leave it up to you,” so I recommend this approach the most. That said, if you have a specific minimum amount in mind, you probably shouldn’t leave it up to him. If he offers less than you hoped for, you won’t really be able to complain that the allowance is too low after telling him he could decide. > I was worried that he might have misunderstood me, so I wanted to ask. I think he probably has misunderstood you. However, he may feel that he’s already treating you by paying for the meal, so many men will think that dinner only doesn’t require an allowance. When things look like they may progress to an adult relationship (intimate), I think you should discuss the allowance. Otherwise, he may believe that this is an ordinary romantic relationship with no allowance involved.

I’m Taro, a male member. For starters, I think it’s best to say, “I’ll leave it up to you.” If you want to avoid not getting paid, have her name an amount in advance. She might say zero, or try to make it zero after you’ve met a few times, so I think you should prepare what you’ll say in that situation. For example: “When I said I’d leave it up to you, I didn’t mean zero,” or “I do prioritize the person, but this is still within the framework of a dating club”—which is why you’re dating someone married or with a significant age gap. I think it’s important to calmly explain what you’re reasonably thinking. Also, if you’ve already been having dinner without an allowance, the next step could be awkward. If things naturally progress, when will you create an opportunity to have that “I’ll leave it up to you” conversation? It’s better to decide your own payment threshold in advance. Some men knowingly do this, but sometimes things just develop that way without any particular intention. If it’s the latter, she’ll probably respond, “Oh, right, of course,” once you bring it up. That’s better for the man too—I speak from experience. It’s easy to cut things off, but since this is a chance connection, I hope it works out for you. LOL

I’m a male member, and my username is Paper Airplane. > I’m looking for a relationship where the person matters more than the allowance. I think many women feel the same way. And it’s not just women—many men do too, so I imagine these people often gravitate toward each other. Also, men who genuinely feel this way usually aren’t focused primarily on an adult relationship (intimate). Since they value the enjoyable time spent together, I think they’ll still give an allowance even without intimacy. > Of course, I expect an allowance for an adult relationship, but I really don’t need dinner-only arrangements. Even when someone says that and agrees to meet, they may still give you an allowance as a gesture during dinner, so it’s hard to know how they truly feel. Besides, a man who prioritizes the person would value spending time together regardless of whether intimacy takes place, so I don’t think he would consider dinner only (no intimacy) pointless. > If I say that the allowance isn’t my top priority and that money isn’t my goal (note: I’m not saying I don’t want an allowance), is it generally understood as, “Oh, then I don’t have to give her an allowance”? I think most men would still give one—and if they really like you, they’d probably give even more. > Even so, I’d like to be with someone who gives me a proper allowance. Would it be enough to say something like, “I’ll leave it up to you”? Based on the way you’ve phrased things, it might be best not even to say, “I’ll leave it up to you.” If you’re looking for a man who’s truly compatible with you, it may be better not to bring up the allowance amount or discuss it at all. Ideally, you should observe him carefully, decide whether you can trust him, and judge accordingly… If he isn’t currently giving you anything even for dinner, I’m afraid things may not look promising going forward.

I’m Kazu, a male member. I didn’t mention this in my answer to that question because it wasn’t really the main point, but I don’t think that man was bragging. I think it was probably part of his strategy. If he simply says he wants to meet without giving an allowance, he’ll be rejected, so he was probably saying that he already had someone he met without an allowance and watching the woman’s reaction. As for what you said about wanting an arrangement based more on the person than the allowance because papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) is close to a hobby for you, there are actually quite a few women like that. For example, some say, “I told the club during the interview that I wanted to pay off my student loans, but it’s not like I can’t repay them with my salary. I’ve been saving the allowances I receive and am considering making an early repayment once I’ve saved enough. So I’m not desperate for money—the important thing is enjoying myself.” Sometimes a woman’s profile includes a comment from the club such as, “I care about personality first, support second, and looks third.” When there’s a clear order of priorities like that, men can understand that although the allowance isn’t her top priority, it’s still important to her. > If I say that the allowance isn’t my top priority and that money isn’t my goal (I’m not saying I don’t need an allowance), will men generally assume, “So I don’t have to give her an allowance”? Since this is a dating club, men generally won’t make that assumption. Unfortunately, though, it seems there are some men who misunderstand it that way. > Would it be enough to simply say something like, “I’ll leave it up to you”? When the person you currently have a dinner-only (no intimacy) arrangement with invites you to a hotel, why not judge the situation based on whether he brings up the allowance? There are three possible scenarios: 1. He invites you to the hotel without mentioning an allowance. 2. He asks, “Would an allowance of ○ be okay?” 3. He asks how much you would like. You might want to think in advance about how you would respond in each situation. If you feel that you could accept it once even if you didn’t receive an allowance, you could simply go along with him in scenario 1. If you feel that would be a problem, you would probably ask, “Will I receive an allowance?” In scenario 2, there’s no reason for you to feel conflicted. In scenario 3, whether you say, “I’ll leave it up to you,” or give a specific amount, such as “○ would be fine,” is up to you. Neither is necessarily the correct answer. However, if you say, “I’ll leave it up to you,” he may respond like scenario 2, or you may be disappointed afterward when he gives you an allowance without having stated a specific amount. On the other hand, if you name a specific amount, some men—depending on the person—may feel that you’re very used to this, or be disappointed that money was still the main concern after all.

I’m Aya, a female member. I would tell them, “I’ll leave it up to you,” and continue seeing the men who offered an allowance I was comfortable with. No one ever misunderstood that to mean I was okay with no allowance, but if someone did, I’d probably give up on him since I couldn’t change the way he thinks.