Where do you think the line is for being emotionally unstable?
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If I don’t get a reply on LINE (within a few hours), even though they had been responding quickly before, I get asked, “Why did you unsend that message?”
Is it really that unpleasant?
I send messages because I’m worried about them, but when I don’t get a reply—or only receive a thank-you—I feel uncomfortable, thinking that’s all they feel, so I unsent the messages. The person I met for the first time before also didn’t feel compatible with me over LINE, and I don’t like only using LINE when it’s time to make plans.
I’m also paying an allowance (over ¥100,000), and even though I’m told they don’t like emotionally unstable people, I find it strange since I’m not a stalker.
👤Asked byGuest👨GenderMale🎂Not stated👑Universe male member
From the question, he doesn’t come across as emotionally unstable so much as self-centered and awkward, with rigid expectations about messaging and a desire for the other person to match his pace. In short, he’s a “high-maintenance papa.”
Money is necessary in these relationships, but paying doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want, so he also seems to lack humility. If you write, “I’m paying you, after all,” in this context, of course people will react negatively. The person asking probably wants to get closer through messaging, but their writing is clumsy and hard to read, and they come across as insensitive without realizing it. They’re better off not sending any messages. Seriously, take this as advice.
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Let me offer my answer.
Messaging with a wonderful woman is fun, isn’t it? But naturally, for both men and women, messaging someone they have no interest in can be stressful. I think that stress can sometimes lead to accusations of harassment.
To avoid feeling bad myself, I’ve set a rule for how I handle LINE. If I don’t receive a reply within 48 hours of my last message, I consider myself “dead.” I initially set the limit at 24 hours, but I died too quickly, so I settled on 48 hours.
Incidentally, once I’m “dead,” I take it as a sign that there’s no chance and move on, saying goodbye to the woman.
Of course, I would like the women I meet to develop feelings for me. But this is free dating, after all, so perhaps money alone can’t move someone’s heart.
Through my club activities, I work every day on cultivating the appeal of a mature adult—not just relying on money—in order to attract wonderful women.
In free dating, women are the ones who set the rules, so why not lower your gaze and sincerely try to understand how she feels?
If you do that, I think messaging each other will become more enjoyable for both of you.
Sorry for sounding presumptuous.
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> “I do pay an allowance, you know (10 or more).”
It seems to me that this attitude—“I’m superior, and you’re my servant, right?”—is probably the root of the problem.
Whether words like “mentally unstable” apply here is beside the point. From the way the question is written, most people will come away with the impression that the problem lies primarily with you.
> “I only unsent the message.”
Maybe you feel that way because you think it was “only” that. You simply need to think before sending so you won’t have to unsend anything. And if you make a mistake, just follow up by saying you made a mistake.
Un-sending a message can come across as trying to destroy evidence, and therefore seem rather underhanded.
If your LINE etiquette is different, you should adapt to the other person. If you don’t want to, then find someone who will accommodate you.
> “It’s strange—they’re not even a stalker.”
It is strange. But you feel that way because you assume your own perspective is correct and the other person is the one being unreasonable.
You should instead think, “So this is how they see it—I’ll try to change.” If you don’t want to do that, you’re better off moving on to someone else.
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> “I pay her an allowance too (10+).”
That statement alone seems to tell the whole story.
The attitude that “I pay her, so of course I’m entitled to this” is something women universally hate. If we were naming it, maybe “allowance harassment” would fit.
Since that woman may not have thought of the term “allowance harassment,” I imagine she called you “mentally unstable” instead.
Why not just date women you genuinely click with? That’s what I would do.
There are countless women registered with Universe Club, so move on to the next one.
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One of the biggest turnoffs for women is a man who acts condescending toward restaurant staff.
As other respondents have pointed out, the biggest problem is probably the fact that he says, “Even though I’m giving you an allowance of 100,000 yen or more…” There’s also an unmistakable sense that she’s expected to entertain him.
And if she points out that he unsent a LINE message, wouldn’t it be enough to simply apologize and say, “Sorry”? If you get emotional over something like that, you can’t really complain if people call you emotionally unstable.
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Whoa…
I’m paying over 10, yet she says I’m not grateful enough because I don’t reply right away. Then she unsent the message, and now she’s angry, asking why anyone would call her mentally unstable.
That’s rough!
It’s really hard dealing with women like that.
Thanks to papas like the questioner,
Fuu can have a great time for less than half that allowance, lol.
I don’t do or say anything like that. I keep things light, respect my partner, and only use LINE for making plans. So women who’ve dealt with such difficult papas recognize Fuu as an ideal supporter! Much appreciated! lol
But it really is an amazing system.
Even someone like the questioner, who makes such an unattractive move, can be with beautiful women thanks to Eiichi power.
You pay money, and on top of that, if you show gratitude and treat the woman like a human being, you could have an even better experience. What a waste.
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I think everyone has their own standards for what counts as “menhera” (emotionally unstable), but once the other person starts feeling burdened or uncomfortable, it seems that, at the very least, the distance between you two isn’t working.
You withdraw your messages after just a few hours without a reply and take that as proof that “their feelings only go that far,” while your partner wants to keep LINE more casual. It seems that, from the outset, you have different expectations about communication.
I can understand why you feel, “I’m already paying an allowance—over 10, at that.” However, the fact that you’re giving them an allowance and the expectation that they’ll reply on LINE with the frequency and level of enthusiasm you want are two separate matters.
If you absolutely need immediate replies and frequent messaging, it might be better to discuss it upfront: “I’d like to stay in touch about this often. If that’s included in the arrangement, what kind of allowance would you expect?” Then you can look for someone who agrees to those terms.
I don’t think someone has to be a stalker before they can be considered menhera.
It may be better to relax a little and focus on enjoying the time you spend together.
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Just like with sexual harassment, isn’t someone “mentally unstable” if that’s how the other person perceives them?
You say you’re paying an allowance, but are you paying for a promise that they’ll reply within a certain number of hours? I don’t think it’s right to interfere with someone’s private time.
That said, this approach might work fine with some people, so perhaps you should look for someone who’s a better match.
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People don’t usually cancel over that, lol.
I can understand if they accidentally sent it to the wrong person, though.
Personally, I think obsessing over someone just because they haven’t replied for a few hours already crosses well into “mentally unstable” territory. Just send the LINE message and leave it alone. Sometimes they reply quickly, and other times they get back to you when you’ve practically forgotten about it. If you approach it that way, you’ll stop worrying about it.
Also, if you have plenty of women in your life, you’ll be messaging so many people that you won’t care who replies or how long they take.
That said, I’ve never paid anything like 100,000 yen, so take this as just a reference.
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>> We’re paying an allowance too (10 or more).
> That ↑ seems to tell the whole story.
Exactly—it says it all.
You meet because there’s a reason you want to give her an allowance, right?
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“Menhera” is apparently an internet slang term for someone who is emotionally unstable or dealing with some kind of emotional problem or concern. There probably isn’t any fixed standard for what counts as menhera.
The other person may simply have thought the questioner was overly sensitive, or that there was something mentally off about his words or behavior, or that he was being unreasonable.
And considering your follow-up question, I don’t think there’s any need to debate the definition of “menhera.” If someone tells you that you smell sweaty, that you’re overweight, or that you’re incompatible, are you going to look up or ask about the standards for “smelling sweaty,” “being overweight,” or “being incompatible” every single time?
You sent a message, didn’t receive a reply, and then deleted it. The woman said she disliked that and found it unpleasant. That’s all there is to it.
She described it by calling you “menhera.” Maybe she often uses that word when criticizing people. You should simply take the conclusion at face value.
If you look up the definition of “menhera,” argue that you don’t meet the criteria, and try to prove her wrong, that itself sounds like the kind of “menhera” behavior she was talking about.
For reference, mental illnesses are covered by the WHO’s ICD-10 and the American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-5. Although they’re written in fairly accessible language, they aren’t something an amateur can diagnose or assess.
As for LINE messages about scheduling and such, I also sometimes send one, get little response, and then delete it. Message cancellation is perfectly normal.
From the other person’s perspective, though, you may have come across as a desperate older man.
Also, it’s more enjoyable to talk about various things in person than to exchange messages on LINE. If you believe that paying 100,000 yen entitles you to additional services—including immediate replies to your otherwise unimportant messages—then state that in your profile or explain it when you meet.
Judging from the disorganized thinking and the troublesome tone apparent in your question, I can see why the woman might have decided she didn’t like it.
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