I see someone once or twice a month on a pay-per-meeting basis for 50,000 yen, but we’ve been refrai...

Question

I see someone once or twice a month on a pay-per-meeting basis for 50,000 yen, but we’ve been refraining from dates because of the recent spread of COVID. He says he wants to talk on the phone since we haven’t been able to meet. He’s a good person, but honestly, I feel uncomfortable with his wanting to call. We’re not lovers, nor are we in a monthly arrangement. I don’t want him interfering in my private life more than necessary, and I feel uneasy about a request that would take up a certain amount of my time without any allowance involved. If that’s what he wants, he should just suggest a monthly arrangement. He tells me to let him know if there’s anything he can do, but I obviously can’t ask him to give me an allowance. We’re planning to talk on the phone soon, but I’m already dreading it. Is this kind of interaction normal in a pay-per-meeting relationship? I thought LINE messages alone were enough. Of course, I’ll think carefully about how to phrase it, but if a woman told you she didn’t want to talk on the phone, how would you take it?

太郎 · Answer

I’m Taro, a male member.

That man has simply gotten the wrong idea. Ideally, I’d like to ask something like, “How much allowance would you expect for a phone call?(^^#” as a bit of a reality check—basically, “That’s not how this works, so don’t get the wrong idea.” But that would only make things complicated and troublesome, so I think the right move is to politely let it slide.

Specifically, I think it’s fine to say, “I’d still rather meet in person than talk on the phone. Would that be difficult?” There’s no need to make up an excuse like, “I can’t talk on the phone because of ●●.” Even if you do, they’ll inevitably come back with a counterproposal like, “Then why don’t you do it this way?”—which is just a waste of time. When someone clearly isn’t going to understand, just state your position and leave it at that. If they’re receptive, you can continue; if not, continuing is a waste of time anyway.

It would be ideal if you could reach some sort of middle ground, but if that’s not possible, it’s also important to accept that and move on quickly. I recently stopped pursuing a woman who asked me for a gift. To be precise, I simply left her message unanswered. There’s no need to formally cut things off yourself. The right attitude is to leave room for her to meet you halfway, while assuming she probably won’t and mentally moving on to the next person.

負け男 · Answer

Loser Guy @ Women’s Servant

If he’s not meeting you because of COVID, that’s the papa’s decision, so he should keep you on the hook by giving you ¥100,000 a month even if you can’t meet, right...?

And yet, people say that ¥50,000 pay-per-meeting is already way too little...

フラグメーカー · Answer

I’m Column Writer Flag Maker.

As for phone calls... I’ll casually chat on the phone with women I used to date, but with women I’m currently seeing, I generally don’t feel like calling them myself.

That’s because I’m worried they’ll take it the way this questioner seems to. So I honestly think it takes some nerve to say you want to talk on the phone.

If you say you want to call and they turn you down, you’d normally feel pretty crushed.

But still—it’s just an occasional call, right? Fifteen minutes or so?

Recently, I interviewed a certain author for a project with Universal Studios, and they said something similar: “These days, women doing papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) tend to think of things as an equivalent exchange of time and money, but I feel that ultimately doesn’t lead to a good relationship.”

I honestly think they’re absolutely right. This is a dating club, not a part-time job, is it? At its core, a dating club is about relationships between people. Put plainly, even if it’s partly an act, the point is to create that sense of something real.

Let them dream a little, even if only for a moment. Let them stay in that dreamy state for now—you can always kill them later.

シアトル · Answer

A guy trying to call for free is an idiot.  
As Kazu wrote, it’s only natural to charge for something.

100 yen a minute—the old message lines bring back memories. Do you know about them? I actually met a girlfriend through one in 1996.

あや · Answer

I’m Aya, a female member.

If your papa (a male supporter) has asked you to take a break from meeting, then saying, “Can we at least talk on the phone?” is a little selfish.

Here’s a strategy you could try: On a day when your papa says he wants to call, tell him, “I’m busy with ○○ and ○○ that day, so I might only be able to talk for about 10 minutes while I’m traveling between places… But I’d like to hear your voice too, so I’d love to talk.”

When you actually call, step outside and talk while walking briskly. That gives off a busy vibe and makes you seem like a good girl who still makes time for a call despite being busy.

This technique might sound ridiculous, but it was used by an acquaintance who was a very popular host.

I also think phone calls are an effective way to stay connected during spare moments, so I definitely recommend giving it a try.

伊達◎ゆめ · Answer

I’m Date◎Yume, a male member.

I don’t think COVID has anything to do with it.

In my case, from before COVID through the present, we’ve continued exchanging one message a day each way—by email, and more recently LINE—and going on two dates a month.

Especially since COVID began, I’m an old man, so I’ve been extremely thorough about taking precautions.

> How would you feel if a woman told you she didn’t want to talk on the phone?

To be honest, I’d probably be disappointed.

But if she gave some kind of reason, like being busy or simply forgetting, I think that would be fine.

綾瀬なな · Answer

I’m Ayase Nana ♡

If he’s asked to talk on the phone, why not give him a call, even if it’s only for a short time?

If you don’t keep in touch and too much time passes without meeting, things will naturally fizzle out. The phone call is your chance to show what you can do.

If he asks to have phone sex, just be clear and tell him you can’t because you live with your family.

カズ · Answer

I’m Kazu, a male member.

Since I’m not in a monthly arrangement, I send her some spending money via LINE whenever she spends time with me or does something for me. That’s just common courtesy in a relationship through a dating club.

If she told me she didn’t want to talk on the phone, I’d ask why. If the reason was something like what you described in your question, I’d reflect on it and feel bad.

紙ひこうき · Answer

If he’s genuinely attracted to you, he should be able to come see you for a minute or two, give you your allowance, and leave.

When you say you’re refraining, do you mean the man is, or you are?

I don’t really see the need for a phone call.

If he’s a man who wants to give you an allowance, I’d hope he’d want to see you, even if only for a moment. It would be nice if things worked that way.

If you’re going to call him, it’s better to do so with the possibility—not out of reluctance—that even if you can’t meet, it could still lead to receiving your allowance. That way, your feelings will come across to him too…

—Paper Airplane

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