Is there something psychologically wrong with me for being attracted to older married men?

I’ve kept my distance from my family ever since I was sexually abused by my father when I was younger. I developed a distrust of men and have never genuinely fallen for a man or been in a relationship. I’ve only ever had sex with men in relationships involving financial support, such as mistress arrangements. Deep down, I believe I hate and look down on older men who can use money to pick and choose young women based on their looks. But when I catch glimpses of a man’s domestic side, I find myself imagining that he must be a good father and husband at home, and feelings resembling romantic affection and longing well up inside me. I can only measure a man’s appeal by his financial power, and I don’t feel ashamed of believing that a partner’s income and education are important in love and marriage. So I also think it makes sense that men are attracted to youth, looks, and status—such as paying highly educated women or female entertainers for their company. If they have money, even women who would normally never give them a second look will open their legs for them. I’m afraid of becoming deeply involved with a man, yet even in a mistress arrangement through a dating club, I want to learn more about that person’s side as a father and husband. But the more I learn, the more painful and heartbreaking it becomes. I occasionally meet men like that. I don’t really understand my own mental state. I don’t understand myself. Even though I’m 26 and approaching my thirties, I’m anxious because I feel mentally immature compared with people my age, as though I haven’t grown or developed. I haven’t been able to find a psychiatrist I feel comfortable discussing these things with, so I’m asking here anonymously.