I have a question about something regarding going bare that doesn’t sit right with me.

I’m Shingo Lee (Shingori), a columnist. I mean, wouldn’t it be better to ask, “Is it okay without a condom?” and hear them say, “That’s fine”? Once you’re having sex, wanting to maximize pleasure is a very honest desire. From a global perspective, Japan is somewhat unusual in relying solely on male condoms. If you’re interested, take a look at the July 30, 2020 Asahi Shimbun article, “The Condoms Japanese People Prefer.” I’m not saying overseas practices are necessarily right, but in many countries outside Japan, people commonly make an effort to maximize pleasure while weighing it against the risks. Personally, if I said “No” to the question “Is it okay without a condom?” and the other person forced me to do it anyway, that would obviously be a problem. But is it really so bad just to ask? I think it’s perfectly reasonable to have that level of dialogue. In reality, some women who take the pill are okay with sex without a condom as long as their partner has good personal hygiene, while others prefer it because they dislike the feel of condoms. In fact, when it comes to unintended pregnancies, condom failures may actually account for more cases than withdrawal, commonly known as “pulling out.” I’m not against using condoms at all from the perspective of preventing STIs, and I believe the most important thing is for both people to agree before having sex. However, dismissing the conversations that should come first—“Is it okay without a condom?” “Should we use low-dose birth-control pills for contraception?” “Should we use a condom to prevent STIs?”—and simply declaring, “It’s basic etiquette, so condoms are mandatory! Any man who wants to go without one is trash!” is obviously an extreme position.

I’m Osaka, a male member. Thank you all for your answers. I expected more pushback, but looking back, I realize my question may have come across like a loaded test. I tried to form a hypothesis based on the nuances I sensed from women and to consider their feelings. The reason I asked whether the number was large or small was because I wondered whether it could function as an unspoken or commonly accepted rule. It’s similar to mask-wearing during COVID. Regardless of people’s views on vaccines or COVID itself, there was social pressure that made wearing a mask seem like the obvious thing to do, so it felt like an unspoken rule. In the UK, though, relatively few people wear masks, so the unspoken rule is different. I asked because I thought that, eventually, mask-wearing might no longer be an unspoken rule in Japan either, depending on the numbers. Sorry for not explaining that well. From everyone’s answers, I learned that quite a lot of men are particular about going bare, so it seems difficult for that to become an unspoken rule—something that doesn’t even need to be asked about, or that people wouldn’t want to be asked about. Personally, I’m not interested in starting a movement or deciding whether it’s right or wrong. This is free dating, so I think everyone should do as they please. But whenever I saw posts mentioning “going bare,” I found myself thinking, “Wait, are there really that many people who do that?” It felt strange to me. I also understand that women would obviously dislike it without even needing to be asked. I wanted them to feel safe and comfortable so they wouldn’t dislike me and could enjoy the relationship, which is why I honestly thought it might be an unspoken rule. If someone asked whether I preferred going bare, I’d say yes, but I also find it enjoyable without doing so. I suppose it was simply a minor issue for me personally. To say something a little crude, I can’t help grinning at the thought that if I’m in the minority, that alone might give me an advantage in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). Still, since the respondents are all such gentlemen and ladies, I doubt it’ll be that easy, haha. I feel much clearer about it now, and I think this discussion was very informative for everyone reading. Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.

I’m Dai, a male member. I agree with Osaka-san’s opinion. However, I think only about half of all male members at most are capable of understanding those feelings. When I previously asked how often men ask about having unprotected sex during their first adult relationship (intimate), the answer was about one-third. That percentage was much higher than I expected. From a woman’s perspective, it means that many of them feel uncomfortable with these arrangements. I used to think women should simply refuse on the spot, but seeing how high that percentage is, I’ve started to wonder whether there should be a rule banning requests for unprotected sex on the first meeting. I’m not saying it should be prohibited after the second meeting, once the two people have grown closer. That’s free love, after all.

I’m Taro, a male member. Since it’s such a hassle, why not simply make “no bareback” the rule at dating clubs? I think people who are okay with it with anyone are a minority, and they’re the ones who should be treated as the minority. If I had to point out one mistake, it’s that the majority aren’t people who say “absolutely not”; they’re people who say “not with someone I’m not close to.” In other words, I think quite a few would be okay with it once they became close. But whether she considers you close is up to the woman, so anything that assumes that—or jumping the gun based on a misunderstanding—should be firmly discouraged. A long time ago, I used to call girls from escort services and negotiate to have sex with them. Some absolutely refused, some agreed for an extra fee, and some agreed without an extra fee. Even among the third type, there were women who were casual about it and women who took it more seriously. I ended up dating several of the latter for a long time. Thinking about it now, every one of those establishments clearly stated that full sex was prohibited in the first place. Still, I never received a single complaint. So I thought the structure might be similar. In short, people who can build a relationship of trust can go beyond the rules as much as they want, and nothing will go wrong—including for the woman—so I think the rules just need to be clearly and strictly established. It might be a lot of work for the management to deal with the people who insist on being technically correct, though. Ah, maybe that’s actually the real issue here（笑）.

I’m Flag Maker, a column writer. To be completely honest, I’d rather do it without a condom. It feels better, after all. The reason I use a condom 100% of the time is that I’m afraid of being disliked. And this may sound a little self-important, but most women tend to like me. So if I got someone pregnant, I might end up getting serious—or things could become quite a hassle in their own way. That’s why I always use a condom. It’s not out of consideration for the woman. I’m protecting myself. So I have a strange admiration for men who can ask, “Is it okay if we don’t use one?” There’s something cool about being able to accept the possibility of being disliked—or maybe I just admire the courage it takes to say it. Even in movies, I’ve always preferred villains to heroes. And in pro wrestling, I prefer heels to babyfaces.

I’m Kazu, a male member. First of all, I think asking whether something is a minority or majority opinion makes us lose sight of the heart of the issue. What difference does it make whether more or fewer people feel that way? I also question the point of asking, “Is it okay if I give you an STD? Is it okay if I get you pregnant?” Bringing up such extreme examples only distracts from the real issue. As far as I’m concerned, wearing a condom is already an implicit rule. In some cases, an ongoing partner who takes the pill has told me, “You don’t have to wear one,” and I accept that. But until a woman says that herself, I quietly put on a condom. I’m afraid of STDs too, so I turn down offers from the rare women who say from the very first meeting that they’re fine without a condom. In those cases, I don’t stay silent—I say, “Let’s wear a condom,” and put one on. When discussing the allowance, some women say, “Please use a condom.” My reaction is usually, “She must have had someone argue with her about that before. Poor thing.” https://universe-club.jp/help/questions/view/8920 I didn’t go into much detail in my previous response, but after reading that question, I wanted to share a little more of what I was thinking. > If someone were truly important to you, using a condom for contraception shouldn’t be such a big deal. I suppose a woman you meet through an offer at a dating club, where the relationship is still shallow, isn’t someone you truly want to cherish. And, to be honest, that’s probably true most of the time. Even I want to cherish women I’ve been seeing for over a year, but someone I’ve only met a few times isn’t someone I feel that way about yet. From a woman’s perspective, a man probably isn’t someone she truly wants to cherish either. I don’t think one person can genuinely cherish the other when it’s entirely one-sided. > Since this is a dating club, I don’t think it’s unusual for someone to suggest going without a condom, but can there really be such a large generational gap in attitudes about that? I think it’s because some people see allowance-based relationships as a way to avoid responsibility through the allowance. Mr. Maezawa’s answer to this question and my own opinion are the same: based on what I’ve heard, it seems fine. It’s perfectly valid to think, “This shouldn’t even need to be asked—I don’t even want to be asked.” But it’s also perfectly valid to think, “If possible, I’d prefer to go without a condom.” Women who feel the former probably won’t click with men who feel the latter, so they should simply decline the relationship.

Yes. No matter what words are exchanged, I think using protection should be a given—and I want it to be that way. —Akari

That’s right. As long as he puts it on without making a fuss, there shouldn’t be any problems. Marika