The man I met here has been kind to me, even providing me with a place to live. He’s always gentle, we get along well, and I have no major complaints. He says we’re in a romantic relationship, but I can’t bring myself to trust him.
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He’s registered both here and on an app, and secretly maintains relationships with other women. I’m deeply anxious about talking about a future with him. I smile and go along with it at the time, but when I’m alone, I start thinking that he’s only saying these things on a whim and that they’re probably just empty promises.
Even when he says things like “I’ll do this for you” or “Let’s do this together,” I can’t simply accept his words and wait. Instead, I find myself thinking about how I would cope if he suddenly changed his mind. Although we’ve promised not to see anyone else, I always end up thinking about meeting another papa (a male supporter), re-registering here, or using an app.
I’ve met a lot of people, but he’s the best person I’ve met so far, so I feel like this will just become a repeating vicious cycle.
I’m preparing myself for the possibility that he’ll cut me off someday, and I don’t intend to rely on him completely going forward. But because I can’t trust him, even small things constantly leave me feeling uneasy.
I like him as a person and want to trust him, so it’s painful that I can’t.
Has anyone here been able to build a trusting, emotionally connected relationship with someone they met here? How do you trust your partner?
We’ve known each other for two years. There’s a 26-year age gap between us.
I would really appreciate any advice.
I’m a male member, Date◎Yume.
I agree with what everyone here has been saying.
I think it’s best to fully understand the other person’s situation and then decide how you want to handle things.
If you’re involved with someone who has a wife and children, or you’re seeing multiple people, you should proceed with the understanding that the relationship will eventually come to an end. That way, you may be able to avoid feeling so conflicted...
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I’m Maezawa from the CEO’s Office, and I’ll answer this as well.
> He says we’re in a romantic relationship, but I can’t bring myself to trust him.
That’s only natural.
That’s precisely why marriage exists as an institution. Once people are married, one person alone can’t decide to get divorced.
In other words, marriage is basically the system people use to establish trust. If marriage isn’t an option, then the other person also assumes that the relationship may eventually end. So it’s only natural that you can’t fully trust him.
It means the relationship could fall apart at any time.
> It’s painful because I want to trust him, but I can’t.
Why is it painful?
I think it may help to accept that, under your current circumstances, not being able to trust him is only natural.
> I always end up thinking about meeting another papa (a male supporter), re-registering here, or using an app.
That’s perfectly understandable, too, so I think you should do that.
Seeing multiple people is also a way of spreading out your risk.
> How do you trust someone?
You’re not married, so the relationship may end.
But for now, I trust this person.
I may get hurt someday, but when that happens, I’ll deal with it then.
I think it’s best to approach it with that mindset.
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I’m Dai, a male member.
That man is probably the type who can’t be in a relationship with just one woman.
I think he genuinely means what he says in the moment, and that he does care about you.
Wealthy men can support two or three households comfortably, and I think that’s what mistresses were like in the Showa era.
Rather than worrying about when he’ll cut you off, remember that he’s considerably older than you, so the relationship will eventually come to an end.
If you become too dependent on him, it’ll only hurt more when that happens, so try to keep your dependence in check.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
I find that kind of suspicion and tug-of-war exhausting, so I make a point of telling people about my arrangements with other women. When both sides keep their cards hidden, it’s easy for suspicion to arise. I believe that showing your cards to each other reduces both suspicion and unnecessary hassle.
If someone won’t show me their cards even though I’ve shown them mine, I assume they prefer to keep things hidden. I respect that people can have different views, but with someone like that, I keep an even greater distance than I would in a typical allowance-based relationship.
So I think it’s only natural that you can’t fully trust him when he’s secretly seeing other women and hiding his cards from you. In that situation, I’d recommend keeping an even greater distance than you would from a papa who provides you with a place to live.
A follow-up after reading Mac’s answer:
> It’s not being asked to register again—it’s being specifically hidden from that really hurts.
I think keeping something secret and lying are two different things, but I can understand why being hidden from someone while they work behind the scenes would hurt.
If someone I was seeing did that, I think I’d feel empty and think, “I guess he never trusted me after all.”
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I’m Aya, a female member.
I’m in a similar situation, but does your papa (a male supporter) have a wife or children? When I think about that, I start feeling a little disappointed, like, “I like him as a person, but he’s still a terrible man for betraying his own family.” I deliberately hold on to that feeling of disappointment.
Because I see him as somewhat disappointing, I don’t get too emotionally invested and can stay reasonably level-headed. As a result, I feel like my papa senses that I’m not completely wrapped up in him, which makes him pursue me more.
It might also be a good idea to have other papas or a boyfriend and see them without ever letting him find out. By getting a boyfriend and betraying him, you can feel sorry for your papa and treat him better. Is that awful? Still, when it comes to your emotional state with the opposite sex, it’s like a chair: three or four legs are more stable than two.
Once things become stable, they might get boring, but I think that’s still better than being unstable.
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