I’m a woman in my early 20s who is currently on hiatus from the club. I’ve been seeing a man I’ve known for a long time (about two years) on a regular basis—one dinner-only date and six adult meetings, roughly once a month.
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He seems to be separated from his wife, and whenever Golden Week or summer vacation came around, he would invite me to go somewhere on a trip. However, our schedules never worked out, so I kept turning him down. He invited me again this summer, and since he’s a monthly arrangement I’ve been seeing for a long time and I’m grateful to him, I thought I should go with him at least once. So I took time off, and we recently went on a two-day, one-night trip.
I believe he spent around ¥200,000 on the two of us, including round-trip airfare and a luxury ryokan, but there was no allowance... At the time, with the lavish ryokan and delicious food in front of me, I couldn’t bring myself to ask, “What about my allowance?”
I saw him once afterward as usual, and of course I received my regular allowance then, but I still couldn’t bring up what happened on the trip.
How would he feel if I said, “Since I took time off and went on the trip with you, I’d appreciate it if you could give me at least something for that day, even just a token amount...”?
If possible, I’d especially like to hear answers from a man’s perspective.
I’m Dai, a male member.
Since he gives you an allowance of 60,000 yen per pay-per-meeting date and is even willing to travel with you, you probably don’t want to say goodbye to him.
So with this man, if you’re going to travel together, you shouldn’t expect an allowance. If you bring it up clumsily, you may damage the relationship and end up parting ways.
In the future, when you’re seeing someone else, hint—before the subject of traveling comes up—that you would need a separate allowance if you were to go on a trip.
For example, you could mention a trip you took with another man and subtly let him know that you received a separate allowance for it.
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I’m Tetsu, a male member.
Most people would probably feel uncomfortable having something from the past brought up and used against them.
I’ve had plenty of opportunities to travel with women I’m seeing, but I always discuss the allowance beforehand. To avoid unnecessary trouble, you should talk things through in advance whenever the situation will be different from usual—such as traveling farther away or spending a longer period of time together. Women are also giving up their valuable time, so they have every right to turn down an invitation if it doesn’t feel worth it.
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Ah, so the right way to look at it is: “This is someone who doesn’t provide an allowance for trips.”
If you enjoyed the trip itself and are fine with him covering the travel expenses, then go again. But if you took time off work and made the time, only to think, “What about my allowance? None?” then simply don’t go next time.
If you bring up what happened this time afterward, it may end the relationship.
That said, since he invited you—not the other way around—I do think he should have properly considered the allowance.
Marika
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I’m Hikoki, a male member.
If you only meet about once a month, I don’t think you should bring it up.
Actually, if you can’t talk about it by the time the trip is over, then you’re better off not saying anything.
If you meet three or four times a month, you can just bring it up casually. You can also let her bring it up—or not bring it up at all. And even if she says she’ll give you something, you can say, “I can’t accept it; you’ve already done enough.”
I think it’s best to have a relationship where you can say whatever you want right away…
That said, a man who gives nothing to someone he only sees once a month—where both sides have to be considerate—and doesn’t even ask about it isn’t very good. That’s really not acceptable.
And on top of that, he can’t even arrange a trip that the woman would enjoy…
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It’s been a while since I had a drink, so I’m feeling a little light-headed.
This is Nana Ayase ♡
A ¥200,000 travel budget sounds like it made for a wonderful trip. I don’t think you should bring up the allowance there—I wouldn’t be able to say anything either…
If you’re receiving ¥60,000 a month, wouldn’t it be best to just meet as usual again? Unless you dislike him, try to think of it as having enjoyed a nice trip and leave it at that.
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Maezawa from the president’s office here—I’ll answer too.
> How do you think he’d react if I said that?
I see the trip itself as the gift.
Of the ¥200,000 in expenses, I’d consider about half—around ¥100,000—to be the allowance.
I don’t feel like I accompanied him on the trip for his sake.
(Though I probably did, at least a little.)
So if he brought it up afterward, saying something like, “What about the allowance for that time?” I’d probably be thinking:
Huh?
?
?
?
Since the trip is already over, I don’t think you should bring up the allowance now.
However, if he invites you again, and it’s a two-day, one-night trip, you could say something like:
“Would you be able to give me two days’ worth of allowance—around ¥120,000? I’ve had a lot of expenses lately, and things have become difficult.”
That might work.
But it could also create some tension, so it may be better to turn down the trip by saying:
“I’d be happier if we just met normally rather than going on a trip.”
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
Since I’m just an outsider and can’t read men’s minds, I agree with Mac’s opinion. It’s probably best to consider the 60,000 yen tuition and let it go.
You’ve been seeing him for about two years, so I doubt he’d cut you off if you said, “Even just a little something for that day would mean a lot…” That said, I do wonder how strong your relationship really is if you only see each other once a month.
Since this trip has now set a precedent, I think you should always confirm the allowance beforehand from now on. If he suggests taking another trip, you could reply, for example, “I’d be happy to, as long as I receive the same allowance as usual.”
Sometimes, when a woman chooses not to accept an allowance, it can really make a man feel that the relationship isn’t just about money. But in this case, she didn’t actually decline the allowance—he was simply able to take the trip without giving her one—so I don’t think it’s likely to have the same emotional impact.
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