Tips Jul 29, 2021 23:19

I’m a college student who falls for her papas, only to be left by them each time.

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My father died of heart disease right in front of me when I was eight. I suppose most daughters start feeling uncomfortable around their fathers by the time they reach high school, but because all I remember is my father as a loving dad who played with me a lot when I was little, perhaps because his death right in front of me was traumatic, I sometimes project my own father onto my papas... Of course, I’m in it for the money and I believe I keep things transactional to a certain extent. When I say I develop feelings, it’s not that I like being intimate with my papa, nor do I see him romantically. I just find myself wanting to rely on him more, or be a little more spoiled by him. When it’s a married papa, I feel sad thinking that after being intimate with me, he goes home, sleeps with his family, and spends the weekends happily with them. When that sadness comes across to my papa, he seems to find it too much trouble and distances himself, so my arrangements with married papas never last long. Do married papas generally want to leave when a woman becomes attached to them or they sense that she has feelings for them?
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1 answers

I’m Shingo Lee, a columnist. You’ve been through an incredibly painful experience. Gradually coming to dislike a beloved father and eventually seeking a partner with different genes is an important rite of passage for human beings. I imagine it must be especially difficult when you never got to experience that, since even your friends may have trouble empathizing with it. I understand how you feel, but I think it’s dangerous to project those feelings onto your papa (a male supporter). You’re also finding yourself drawn to the idea of a “papa”—someone you can depend on—and the “family” that he presumably has. Even if you think you’re keeping things transactional, it’s difficult to stay detached when “the loss of your father” has left such a deep mark on your life. Why not try dating a man about 10–20 years older than you? It may not be easy, but I think you could find someone by making good use of dating apps and the like. I myself once dated a woman half my age. She had problems within her own family and struggled to get along with other people, but after having a kind of simulated family experience with me, she recovered as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She now works for herself. It may be a somewhat unconventional suggestion, but I hope it helps in some way. A transactional relationship can be difficult because it rarely resolves the underlying problems within you. I sincerely hope you go on to have a wonderful life.
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