I’m Taro, a male member.
That sounds like a man you’ve known for quite a while. I doubt he would say something like that when meeting you for the first time.
Some people start making comments like that once they’ve known someone for a long time and become comfortable around them. This is especially common among men in their 50s and older—the generation known for sexual harassment and workplace bullying. They can be pretty slick with their words. It was also an era when the concept of not smoking didn’t really exist, and people would casually smoke at work. Some have adapted to modern times, but others are still stuck in the past. So there’s always a certain chance you’ll run into this kind of problem.
You don’t have to put up with it, but the way you address it matters. From his perspective, he probably feels that the two of you have become comfortable with each other, so he makes blunt comments or edgy jokes to express that sense of familiarity. Mr. Mori’s remarks were probably similar. He likely thought he was saying them with affection, in his own way. Though in that case, the media also deserves some blame.
Since he isn’t trying to attack you and probably does care about you, but is hurting you because he expresses himself badly, it’s best to handle it tactfully. At first, you could push back jokingly, saying something like, “That’s awful—you’re going to hurt my feelings saying things like that, haha.” If he keeps doing it, try, “No, seriously, that’s really not okay, haha,” still with a smile. Finally, say something a little more seriously: “No, seriously, stop. I’m not joking about this.”
If you handle it well, he should look confused or taken aback. That’s the moment he realizes that something he thought he was saying for your benefit was actually hurting you. If that happens, your message has gotten through, and his behavior should start to change. If the change is limited, repeat the process and gradually work on improving things.
It’s a hassle, I know. But people generally don’t change unless you handle things this carefully. If you want to maintain a long-term relationship, think of it like training a dog or cat and keep at it.
I’m Aya, one of the female members.
That sounds incredibly painful… When my skin broke out, my face became red and swollen, and I hated even looking in the mirror. But one foul-mouthed papa (a male supporter) said, “Your face is bright red—do you have slapped-cheek syndrome or something? LOL!” I ended up crying.
I’ve had HIFU and masseter Botox too. They’re expensive, and the results aren’t permanent, so it’s tough.
Men with a power-harassment streak may be more likely to make digs about women’s looks. It really wears down your self-esteem, so I wish they’d stop. If a papa (a male supporter) is a generous (well-paying) client, maybe that’s one thing, but I wouldn’t want someone who makes fun of my appearance as a boyfriend or marriage partner.
That said, after I cried that one time, I regretted it, thinking, “I really showed a client an unprofessional side of myself.” Crying doesn’t get through to people like that, so I felt I’d just wasted my energy.
So ever since then, if someone says something hurtful, I just go completely expressionless and stay silent.
I shut off all emotion and put on a face colder than minus 50 degrees—as if all that remained was the calm composure to look down on a papa (a male supporter) who would hurt someone else by saying such things.
At first, the papa (a male supporter) would tease me, saying, “Oh, are you mad?” But my expression was so cold that he eventually seemed unsettled and stopped saying anything weird.
So if you want to continue seeing this papa (a male supporter), perhaps you could try silently giving him an icy, frozen expression. If you genuinely want him to stop, I think it’s more effective than forcing a smile. Hang in there.
