About my boyfriend, who’s more frugal than I am. I think people’s attitudes toward money—or how they spend money and use things—differ depending on the family they grew up in. When those values don’t line up, something that feels perfectly normal to me can make the other person see me as an awful, extravagant person and give me disapproving looks.
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He’s the kind of person who is poor in spirit and tries to force his own values on others.
The habits you develop from your upbringing are difficult to change. He’s now wealthy after starting his own business, but his mindset hasn’t changed at all. Because he sees me through the lens of the values he grew up with, even the smallest things I do make me a terrible person in his eyes.
I do my best to adapt to him, from how I buy groceries to how I use wet wipes, but every now and then he still seems displeased with something I do. Sometimes he tells me directly, but most of the time, his expression changes…
Since I’m living off his money, I don’t feel I can say anything.
Even if you’re compatible in personality and physically, is it difficult to stay together long-term if you’re incompatible when it comes to money?
I keep thinking about something someone once told me: “You can only really get along with people who grew up in a similar environment.”
I met him here. (We grew up about ten years apart, and we’ve been together for two years.)
I’d appreciate any advice.
I’m Meg, a female member.
That guy is seriously nitpicky!
You’d probably have a hard time if you married him.
You’re already under plenty of stress as it is.
I feel like it’ll only get tougher as the years go by (sweat).
Putting up with too much isn’t good for your health…
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I’m Flag Maker, a column writer.
That’s more or less what living together entails. Consider whether, overall, it falls within what you can tolerate. If it does, try to make things work.
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Maezawa from the CEO’s office here with an answer as well.
People who are good at saving money may wonder why anyone would struggle with it.
Wet wipes may seem unnecessary to someone who doesn’t feel they need them, and when it comes to groceries, it might be more practical to decide in advance what you’re going to make and buy exactly what you need.
But this isn’t your future spouse, so maybe it’s enough to think of it as simply one of those things that happens sometimes.
I also think this experience will help you when choosing a marriage partner.
In other words, in your case, it seems you’ve realized that shared values are more important than other qualities.
By the way, if money is what you’re arguing about, one option might be for you to earn more.
You may feel it’s wasteful, but you could say something like:
“I want to do things this way, so let me pay for it with money I earned myself. I don’t want us to become hostile over something like this.”
That might be another way to handle it.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
Exactly. That’s why I think marrying someone with similar values and lifestyle habits is important; otherwise, it can cause problems down the road.
I think the questioner’s boyfriend is also in a position where “habits developed from one’s upbringing are difficult to change.” When someone’s perspective has changed, perhaps it means they’re trying to restrain themselves so they don’t impose their own way of thinking on their partner.
It goes both ways. If you were married, this would be a matter of adjusting the distance between you. But in the questioner’s situation, adjusting that distance could end up leading to a breakup. I think the choices are either to adjust the distance while accepting that risk, or to try to accept the other person without becoming so fixated that you see them as “a poor-minded person who even tries to impose their own way of thinking on others.”
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
> Even if you’re compatible personality-wise and physically, is it difficult to stay together long-term if you’re not financially compatible?
Since these relationships usually last six months at most, and rarely make it to a year, you should be fine if it’s already lasted two years…
> From the way he buys groceries to how he uses wet wipes…
That tells you everything, doesn’t it? Still, I think the way his eyes change is part of his personality. Isn’t it better than being cut off without a word…? If you see it as him being straightforward and showing you his true self, you could take that as a sign that you’re genuinely compatible.
If you’re not planning to get married, I don’t see a problem…
> Over something so trivial
If this were a marriage, it might be enough to call off the engagement.
> Even though he’s wealthy, his outlook hasn’t changed at all
As long as it’s not excessive, that’s a wonderful thing.
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