I have a papa (a male supporter) whom I’ll be meeting for the third time next time.
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He always offers to drive me home after our dates. He’s a really nice person, but we still have a long way to go in building trust, and honestly, I’m still scared to get into the car of a man I’ve only met twice or let him know where I live.
I’ve turned him down every time by making up an excuse, but it’s tiring to come up with a new reason each time. Besides, if I keep refusing for one reason or another, he’ll probably realize that my excuses are lies. I’m thinking of telling him, “I’m still nervous about riding in your car or having you drive me home, so I’d like to wait until we’ve built a little more trust.” Is it okay to be honest and tell him that I’m scared?
I’m worried I might make my papa angry.
I’m Nana Ayase ☆
Don’t let him drive you all the way home. I get in the car with them from the very first day, but on the way back, I have them drop me off at a nearby station.
Tell him, “I live with my family, so it would cause serious problems if they found out.”
I wonder why he wanted to take you all the way home. Was he just being kind, or did he have an ulterior motive? Either way, never let him take you home.
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I’m Shingo Lee, a columnist.
If you had to make the ultimate choice between this papa (a male supporter) and your own safety, which would you choose? When you think about it that way, the answer is obvious, isn’t it? Your own safety matters more, because you can’t replace yourself.
I think it’s perfectly fine to be honest. You could say that you live with your sister and, at her request, you don’t give men your address, or that your parents raised you not to do so.
As for the car, you could say that someone important to you died in an accident, so you try not to drive much—and thank him for being considerate.
If things go badly and you end up cutting ties, then so be it.
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I’m Dai, a male member.
It’s not just because of COVID—women are generally said to have a stronger instinct for self-protection.
After only about three meetings, the relationship is still far from being one of trust, and I think many women remain highly cautious.
Men, however, may feel that they’ve become close to you once they’ve been intimate with you. In that sense, men may actually be the more defenseless ones.
A gentleman may be disappointed if you’re honest with him, but he’ll understand.
The way he reacts will also give you a basis for deciding whether to continue seeing him.
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I’m Aya, a female member.
When someone offers to drive me home, I often happily accept and say, “Thank you.” That may be one of my weak spots, but I also think it’s a good quality for building a closer, friendlier relationship with a papa who’s considerably older than me.
That said, you may be the type who doesn’t leave any openings, so there’s no need to force yourself to let him drive you home. You don’t have to push yourself.
I also turn down offers from guys my own age to drive me home because I’m not comfortable with it. Somehow, I feel like men around my age are more likely to become stalkerish when they have less to lose...
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I’m a male member, Paper Airplane.
If you have to be that careful around each other, I think you’re probably not a good match.
If you haven’t been able to say what you want by the second meeting, it’ll be even harder to bring it up later—especially if you didn’t mention it from the start. Continuing the relationship probably won’t be easy for either of you.
Also, with a club arrangement, you’ll naturally get to know each other better the more often you meet. But I think one key point is whether you can build a certain level of trust by the first or second meeting.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
Unfortunately, there are people whose sense of personal distance doesn’t match yours. I think it’s perfectly fine to tell him that you feel scared.
If he gets angry about that, then being involved with a short-tempered man whose boundaries differ so much from yours would be nothing but risky. In a way, finding that out early is a good thing for you. What do you think?
Personally, I consider someone a good person if they’re sensitive to the other person’s feelings and can talk things through without getting angry when asked how the other person feels. Based on what you’ve written, I can’t see any qualities of a good person in this man. What exactly makes you think he’s a good person?
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