I’m the 24-year-old woman who posted asking whether I should pay for the rental car or the bento on an aquarium date, since I’ve never dated a regular guy before. Thank you for all the responses.
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To cut to the chase, I followed the advice I received: I didn’t bring anything like a bento and simply thanked him.
For lunch, we had a meal that cost around 1,600 yen, and he covered about 1,200 yen. We split the aquarium admission and snacks evenly, and even though we finished around 4:30 p.m., he drove me all the way home. At the end, he asked me to give him either 3,000 or 2,000 yen for the rental car, so I paid him and we went our separate ways.
Of course, there was no hand-holding or anything like that, and we just said goodbye. I know this is something only he can really answer, but is this about the usual level of splitting the bill and progression when dating someone you’re not officially seeing?
It was our third date, but he hasn’t confessed his feelings or shown any signs that I’m a potential girlfriend. At the same time, he doesn’t seem to be looking for an adult relationship (intimate) either. He even suggested that we go out together next month, so now I’m even more confused…
Maezawa from the CEO’s office here.
> As for how much people split the bill on dates with someone they aren’t officially seeing...
Back in my day, splitting the bill on a date was unheard of—the man generally paid.
So I’m not sure what the norm is for splitting the bill on dates these days, but unless the woman says she wants to split it, wouldn’t the man usually pay?
That said, considering that this man asked you to pay ¥3,000 or ¥2,000 for the rental car, it sounds less like a date and more like two friends going out to have fun together.
> He suggested going out together next month, which has made the whole thing even more confusing...
Why not ask him, “If this is a date, would you pay next time?”
If he says something like, “Even on dates, we split the bill,” or, “Sure, I’ll treat you,” then perhaps he likes you and invited you out because he’s interested, but is simply a shy or reserved man.
On the other hand, if he says something like, “I thought splitting the bill was normal since we’re both having a good time,” then I’d assume he invited you as a friend.
Of course, he might also say, “In that case, I won’t invite you out again.”
But even then, I’d think he probably wasn’t inviting you as a woman in the first place.
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I’m Mac, a male member.
Questioner, is it possible you also lost your virginity through papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan)? Apparently, there are a lot of guys like this nowadays.
That’s beside the point, though. As for how to win over a shy, passive guy, the only option is for the woman to make her intentions clear and take the lead.
So before your next date, try telling him: “Do you think there’s any chance you’d make me your girlfriend and date me seriously? If so, I’d like to see you again, but if not, I’d rather decline.”
Don’t mention your age. Men like him can’t understand or relate to a young woman worrying about her “expiration date.” He’ll just think you’re desperate and back off.
If he says, “I don’t want you as a girlfriend; I’d rather stay friends,” then simply say, “In that case, could you introduce me to a friend who’s looking for a girlfriend?” If he does want to date you as his girlfriend, that’s basically a confession—so next time, try asking him for a kiss yourself. If you hug him face-to-face and move your lips close to his, even he’ll have to give in.
You shouldn’t think of him as the same kind of person as a papa (a male supporter) from papa-katsu.
If he asks how many people you’ve been with, just say, “Only one, when I was 20.” After that, it’s all acting. Try to remember how things used to feel.
I’m starting to feel ridiculous writing this. Anyway, good luck. What a strange era we live in.
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It’s Nana Ayase ♡
Wait, maybe I wasn’t paying close enough attention? You two aren’t dating, right?
And if that’s the case, why would that guy take you to an aquarium? Does he not see a future with you, or is he considering you as a potential wife?
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
Whether I’m officially dating someone or not, I’ve never made a woman pay on a date, so I’m not sure how common splitting the bill is.
I’m a bit of a passive type myself, and a few times women have gotten impatient and asked me whether I wasn’t going to take them to a hotel. I don’t think it’s particularly unusual not to become intimate even after three dates.
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I’ve never had an experience like that myself.
I guess that’s what dating looks like for today’s herbivore men. It’s not really a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, though.
It sounds more like going out with a female friend, with everything split evenly. If you think you’d enjoy it and want to go, then why not?
I could understand it if you were still a student, but I’m surprised that working adults have relationships like that.
Marika
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Seattle here.
Anyway, I’m glad the date ended peacefully. I wonder if this is common among couples these days. When I got married a little over 20 years ago, I naturally paid for all the dates.
If things have been like that for all three dates, it sounds like you’re on the friendship track. Splitting the bill is fine between friends, though. If you’re open to making him your boyfriend, I think you should ask how he feels.
As for splitting the bill, it depends on both of your financial situations. Speaking personally as someone from an older generation, I can’t help thinking, “Dump any guy who’s too broke to pay for a date.”
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