Men often tell me stories about women who refused an allowance in the past, and on this Q&A site too, people talk as though it were a beautiful story about meeting a man without an allowance because they liked him.
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From the perspective of someone struggling financially, money is something you want so badly you could reach out and grab it from your throat. If a man offers you money, isn’t it normal to gratefully accept it? (I can understand refusing an excessively large amount because you’d expect something substantial in return.) If you refuse it, that suggests you aren’t struggling financially, so I don’t even understand why you’re doing papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) in the first place.
From the man’s perspective as well, giving money creates a clear boundary. A man who meets a woman after she tells him, “I don’t need an allowance, just meet me,” probably thinks, “Lucky me—it doesn’t cost anything.” Besides, you never know what a woman who doesn’t accept an allowance might do. An allowance creates a boundary, and isn’t it also a kind of hush money?
I could understand it if they had no romantic or intimate relationship whatsoever and were simply meeting as friends. But if they’re meeting as a couple, the woman is merely being used as an easy, cost-free option, and the man is just a stingy loser who can’t maintain a proper boundary with a woman. It would be an entirely different matter if they changed the relationship into a serious romantic relationship or marriage.
So, based on all of this, it’s not a beautiful story at all—it’s just a story about a convenient woman and a pathetic cheapskate of a man. It doesn’t matter if the people involved are happy with it, but a man I’m seeing told me about it as though it were something admirable, and said women should have that kind of humility. That annoyed me a little.
I think it’s normal to gratefully accept a reasonable amount, especially when you’re struggling financially, so I don’t understand why someone would hesitate to accept it. Does being such a convenient woman really look beautiful to men?
I’m Maezawa from the President’s Office, and I’ll answer as well.
> Unless the relationship changes into a serious relationship or marriage, it’s a completely different story.
I think the woman assumes they’re now in a serious relationship, so she feels she no longer needs an allowance. I can’t say for sure what the man thinks, but on the surface, he probably considers it a serious relationship too.
However, it’s actually easy to tell what the man really thinks. Does he introduce you to people at his company, his parents, or others close to him? That will show whether he’s serious about you.
If you date a man who won’t go that far without an allowance—or who brings up going allowance-free right after meeting—you’re probably just a convenient woman to him.
> The man I’m seeing told me this as though it were some beautiful love story, and said women should have that kind of humility. It irritated me a little.
In that case, play along and get him to tell you his real name, address, company name, company phone number, and so on. You could say, “If you have nothing to hide, you should be confident enough to tell me everything honestly,” and I doubt he could argue with that.
Then, starting the next day, call his office and say something like, “This is ___—is Mr. ___ there?”
You could call his company every day. If they ask, “What is your relationship with him?” answer, “We’re dating with marriage in mind.”
You might even go to his office around the time he finishes work.
Wouldn’t that make you feel at least a little better?
Of course, the key is to stay within what a normal romantic partner might reasonably do, so he can’t accuse you of stalking.
Since he was the one who wanted this kind of relationship in the first place, it might be fun to treat it as a game and give it a try.
> Does becoming such a convenient woman really look beautiful to men?
It probably doesn’t look beautiful to him; he simply wants a woman who’s convenient for him.
There are all kinds of people, so life would be boring if you got irritated by every single one.
I’m not sure venting here will help, but I hope you find a better man.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
Being short on money or wanting money is a separate issue from how you choose to deal with it. As you yourself said, “If the people involved are okay with it, then it doesn’t matter.”
You should direct your rebuttal at the man who told you that you should present it as a heartwarming story and show some humility. No one here said that.
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I’m Dai, a male member.
Are there really that many posts in the Q&A box about having an adult relationship without an allowance…?
At least, I’ve never had a relationship without an allowance.
Leave men like that and value the men who are willing to pay you a proper allowance.
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Column writer Flag Maker here.
I can somewhat understand how the person asking feels. That’s because I’ve never experienced a convenient relationship that continued with intimacy but no allowance.
In my case, things usually turn into friendship—with no allowance and no intimacy.
I’m married, and I can’t set marriage as the end goal, so a friends-with-benefits arrangement with intimacy but no allowance never becomes stable or lasts long. Even when it does happen, it ends almost immediately. That’s the reality.
I sometimes see questions like, “I’m dating him without an allowance, but I feel uneasy because I don’t really know much about him.” To me, they’re nothing more than cliché stories about a gullible woman and a man taking advantage of her. I don’t find anything romantic about them at all.
You said you felt annoyed when the man you’re dating presented that as a heartwarming story. But that man has simply never had that kind of experience. He can’t even have a meal with a woman without an allowance involved—he probably doesn’t even have the courage to pursue someone directly. He’s just not popular with women as a person, so he doesn’t know how the real world works. He’s merely a dreamy boy who has no idea what reality is like.
Maybe my way of thinking is strange, but if I were a woman and wanted a serious relationship with a man I met here, I’d go so far as to ask him for a copy of his family registry to check whether he’d been married before or had children. I think a serious relationship should be based on both people being completely open with each other, without holding anything back.
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
> As long as the people involved are happy, does it really matter?
That was truly a question about something that doesn’t matter at all.
> I got a little annoyed.
Did writing the question make you feel better?
> Does it make them look beautiful?
You don’t come across that way, questioner.
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