When I see couples in their 20s from the same generation going places together, actively enjoying life, and clearly in love, I think, “Ah, that’s so nice… peaceful and beautiful. I’m so dirty.”
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I’m the mistress of a papa in his 50s whom I met here. Our routine is going somewhere nice to eat occasionally, then being intimate whenever it’s convenient for him.
I can’t feel an emotion that truly fulfills me deep inside. He’s never told me that he loves me. I’m destined to be discarded once he gets tired of me—I’m not someone special to him…
I’m living a life where we don’t go shopping together, watch movies, study, or seriously consider marriage.
It’s not that I particularly want to go shopping, watch movies, or get married…
But when I think about how happy I would be if I could meet someone I felt that strongly about, I end up feeling empty.
I can’t help feeling that the time we spend together is superficial.
And that makes me feel even emptier, because I genuinely enjoy the time I spend with him.
I want someone to tell me they love me, even if it’s a lie. I want to live a life where I’ve been loved by someone.
What should I do with these feelings?
I was seeing a man in his 40s when I was in my 20s. He was married, but there was no allowance involved—it was simply an affair. I loved him very much, so it was painful in many ways. When he was drunk, he would say whatever sounded good, too.
Since you clearly understand that your relationship is based on an allowance, I think it may be easier for you to keep things separate emotionally. I think it’s perfectly fine for you to get a boyfriend your own age.
From the way you’ve phrased your question, he seems like a typical papa (a male supporter), but I don’t get the impression that he treats you as someone especially important.
Marika
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
You should try saying what’s on your mind.
If you don’t say it, it won’t get through—and the one making things feel shallow is you, because of your own assumptions.
Don’t expect the other person to magically figure out what you want without you opening up: “I want to go to the movies.” “Do you love me?” “I feel empty.”
Don’t hold back or be afraid. Just find the courage, and be prepared to take that next step.
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Maezawa from the CEO’s office here with an answer as well.
Even when it comes to couples of the same generation, men in Japan rarely say, “I love you.”
I guess that’s just part of Japanese culture.
That’s why quite a few Japanese women say they like foreign men. Apparently, foreign men are quick to tell you they love you.
Japanese men tend to be bad at expressing affection, so if you accept that’s simply how they are and pay close attention to their actions, you may realize that they really do love you.
Black Jack, for example, even has an episode where he walks behind a woman on her way home to protect her—something that almost makes him sound like a stalker.
It seems that not putting their feelings into words is part of Japanese men’s culture.
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Ayase Nana ♡
I agree with Kazu. Whether they’re in their 20s or 30s, once they get bored, they’ll toss you aside.
Ayase Nana genuinely loves me (though he sometimes bites me). No matter how angry I make him, he tells me, “I never said I hated you, and I never said we should break up.”
Look for someone like that. Don’t settle for someone just because they’re attractive—let yourself be loved by someone who’s completely captivated by you. It’s okay; that person is definitely out there.
Keep smiling.
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I’m Shingo Lee (Shingori), a columnist.
- I can’t seem to feel emotions that truly fulfill me deep down.
- No one has ever told me they love me.
- I want to live a life in which I’ve been loved by someone.
These three statements are so frank, and they really struck a chord. I could feel how lonely you must be feeling. It must be incredibly painful.
There are several possible reasons why someone feels the “emptiness of not being loved,” but in your case, I get the impression that the cause is that you don’t allow yourself to love.
To love someone is to trust them, and trusting someone also means taking a chance on someone who might betray you.
That’s why loving someone takes a great deal of courage and is, in a sense, an act of self-sacrifice.
Unless you love and give of yourself first, you won’t receive love in return.
Also, couples in their twenties may appear “beautiful,” but they aren’t necessarily “peaceful.”
They only look that way because their youth allows them to trust blindly; the situation can change over the smallest thing. I don’t think it’s truly peaceful.
Mutual love and peace need to be rather boring.
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I’m Meg, a female member.
It’s a difficult situation, isn’t it?
It can leave you feeling empty, too.
And I’m sure there’s anxiety about what the future holds.
After all, this isn’t the kind of relationship you can openly talk about with other people.
But I don’t think you need to put yourself down or think of yourself as dirty.
Even if your papa doesn’t say it out loud, the fact that he keeps seeing you regularly means that you bring him comfort.
Thinking, “What’s the point?” would make things feel dull, wouldn’t it?
Have confidence in yourself as a woman who can make one man feel this fulfilled.
At the same time, keep your eyes open to see whether there might be someone around your own age who’s been paying attention to you.
You may simply not have noticed them yet.
Your life is only just beginning.
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I’m Fuu, a columnist.
You should value the papa (male supporter) you’re seeing, but unless you’ve agreed with him on a monthly arrangement that means you won’t date other men, I think you’d be better off getting a boyfriend your own age.
As you said, it’s true that there are experiences you can only enjoy with someone your own age.
From what you wrote, whether you put yourself down and feel “tainted” for spending time with such a wonderful papa, or choose to see it as a valuable experience, is ultimately up to you.
You only live once, and youth passes in the blink of an eye. I hope you enjoy it without regrets.
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