This is a serious concern. I’d like to learn how to talk in a way that makes a man think, “I want to talk to and get to know this woman more.”

I’m Shingo Lee, a columnist. I understand that vicious cycle of “Once you start worrying about something, you can’t stop worrying about it, and it only gets worse…” It’s especially easy to fall into that cycle when you’ve identified a problem but don’t know how to solve it. Communication in particular requires spontaneity, so it’s very common to replay conversations afterward and end up feeling bad about yourself. Anyway, these are things I learned to improve myself back when I wasn’t popular. I hope they help. I’d like to share two things that made an immediate difference for me. ＜1＞Don’t be overly cautious—other people don’t remember what you say as much as you think they do I used to worry too much about saying things the right way, looking uncool if my joke fell flat, or accidentally saying something weird. As a result, I would often speak at awkward moments—or not speak at all. At one point, I realized that I didn’t pay that much attention to what other people said. After that, I focused on keeping the conversation moving, even if I occasionally fell flat. Eventually, people started telling me that I was fun to talk to. People don’t remember your “good lines,” the times you fell flat, or the strange things you said as much as you think. If you stop worrying about that and talk more, people will mainly come away with the impression that you’re good at conversation—and they’ll start seeing you as an interesting person. ＜2＞Understanding that “women’s conversation rules” and “men’s conversation rules” are different makes things easier As people often say, women’s conversations tend to involve sharing emotions, sharing stories, and sorting through feelings. Men’s conversations tend to involve sharing theories, sharing facts, and sorting out social status. In conversations between men, as long as what you’re saying is logically coherent, they’re generally satisfied simply by listening. They may even find it more enjoyable to hear you explain recent news in a clear, organized way than to hear stories from the past. That’s why you often hear that hostesses in Ginza make a point of keeping up with the news. Men also tend to care a lot about their pride, so openly trying to one-up them is out of the question. You should let the other person take the higher position, as long as it doesn’t damage your own self-esteem. You also mentioned that you don’t have many friends, but with women’s conversations, “empathy” is the key. Your reactions are more important than the actual content, and it’s important to focus on emotions. Among female friends, personal stories and everyday topics tend to get a better response. Conversations that spark the imagination are important, and they don’t necessarily have to be entirely true. If you keep the above points in mind, I think you’ll be able to have conversations that leave both men and women with a favorable impression. NLP is another communication skill that may be useful, although its scientific basis is limited.

I agree with what Fuu said. I think the girls who can do this without overthinking it—and who are reasonably cute—are probably the ones who do well with papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). That’s just my personal guess, though; I have no statistics to back it up. If, like the person asking the question, you have trouble keeping a conversation going, worry that you seem boring, or get told that you sound like you’re bragging, I think it helps to practice the “sa-shi-su-se-so” responses. If the man is relatively talkative, you can probably get through about 30 minutes with nothing more than “Oh, really?”, “I didn’t know that!” and “That’s amazing!” lol From there, the conversation can expand or lead to the next date with comments like, “I like ___ too. Let’s go try it sometime,” or “I’ve never done ___. I wonder if I could do it too. Would you teach me?” I don’t really think about what I’m saying either, so it’s hard to explain to someone else. Seattle’s comment about physical touch reminded me of something. I was on a date yesterday, sitting next to my papa (a male supporter) at the counter. He got pretty drunk and put his hand on my thigh. I kept chatting as if nothing had happened for a while, then gently pressed my thigh against his leg. He said, “Are you doing that deliberately, or is it just natural for you?” Basically, he meant that if I was doing it without thinking, I was a sexy woman who naturally knew how to excite a man—but if I was deliberately manipulating him to make him happy, that would be scary. I was doing it naturally, not as part of some calculation, but either way, the result seems to be that he thinks I’m sexy and absolutely loves me. Along with conversation, try using effective physical touch too. Just be sure to read the situation and the person carefully. Marika

I’m Maezawa from the President’s Office, and I’ll answer this too. Don’t worry too much about being bad at conversation. I think it’s best to keep a “que sera, sera” attitude no matter what. It’s good to want to improve, but this isn’t something you can fix overnight. The key is to meet as many different people as possible. That’s really all there is to it. For starters, whenever the conversation comes to a lull, “Smile.” That alone will usually leave a good impression on men. I think the goal is to become the kind of woman who makes him want to kiss her right then and there.

I’m Tetsu, a male member. Being bad at conversation can be a problem, but sometimes I also think being too good at it is a bit much. If someone is too smooth, they can start to look like a con artist (lol). As for your question, I think it helps to focus on enjoying the conversation yourself. If you’re talking while feeling nervous about something, the other person can pick up on that from your facial expressions and the tone of your voice. First, enjoy yourself. That positive energy will come across to the other person, and they’ll start having fun too. Good vibes are contagious♪ For topics, I think it’s good to casually share stories about your own mistakes, embarrassing experiences, or mildly unfortunate things that have happened to you. People do love hearing about other people’s misfortunes, after all. Just don’t go into anything genuinely tragic—keep it light, and preferably a little funny. One way to practice becoming better at conversation is to talk to yourself. Many people who are good conversationalists tend to have vivid imaginations. By thinking about how to steer your own stories and anticipating how the other person might respond, you can improve your conversational skills. The most important part is imagining their possible responses. If you can come up with several different ways they might reply, you can also think of several ways to respond. That will help you expand the range of topics you can talk about.

I’m columnist Fuu. When you try too hard to be a great conversationalist or make yourself do all the talking, you end up setting the bar too high—just as the questioner seems to feel—and can fall into a negative spiral where you can’t speak naturally. For now, focus on simply keeping the conversation going. Asking your papa (the person you’re seeing) lots of questions will make him happy. Ask questions that make the other person feel good and appeal to his self-esteem, then let him do about 70% of the talking. There’s even psychological research suggesting that asking lots of questions makes people like you. Remember what he likes and is interested in during the conversation, jot it down afterward, and ask about it next time. Listen carefully to his answers, pick up on key points, respond appropriately, show empathy, and then compliment him. For example: “Exactly. I know what you mean. I’m the same way when it comes to XX. You really are amazing, Mr. XX.” (lol) The “sa-shi-su-se-so” compliments of a capable woman: - Sa: “As expected of you.” - Shi: “I didn’t know that.” - Su: “That’s amazing.” - Se: “You have great taste.” - So: “Oh, I see.” They aren’t exactly compliments, but men also like hearing, “I’ve never experienced anything like this before.” When it comes to what to praise, women tend to appreciate having their efforts praised, while men like having their results praised. Keep that difference in mind when complimenting them. You can also expand the conversation by asking follow-up questions based on his answers. If you prepare in advance for questions he may ask you in return, you can keep the conversation going in a way that makes him happy. A lot of men enjoy the sequence, “I didn’t know that—tell me more,” followed by, “Thanks for explaining. You’re really amazing, XX.” People tend to like those who listen and show empathy—especially people who compliment them, right?

I’m Kazu, a male member. I don’t think this is something you can solve with a few superficial techniques. Fundamentally, isn’t it important to have your own subjects and experiences to draw on? The dirty jokes Seattle mentioned are easy conversation material. Hostesses and cabaret club girls bring them up when they can’t think of anything else that will entertain a man. However, if you rely too heavily on sexual topics, you’ll end up being seen as the “erotic entertainment,” so keep it moderate. I think it’s important to broaden your conversational repertoire through your hobbies, work, or studies. In a dating club, talking about dating clubs is also a shared topic. If you don’t have many topics to bring up, it seems your best option for now is to become a good listener. Find something in what the other person is saying that genuinely interests you, and help them feel comfortable talking—that’s probably the only technique that really works.

I’m in Seattle. Since you’re aware of it, there’s room for improvement. The opposite of bragging is being able to poke a little fun at yourself—that usually works best. If you really can’t keep the conversation going, try initiating some light physical contact early on. Most men are happy when a woman touches them. It may not apply in ordinary friendships, but within the club, talking a little suggestively and acting a bit sweet could leave a good impression.