She’s continued seeing him even when she already had a boyfriend.
In that sense, getting married may not necessarily change the situation.
For now, I think you should still meet her next week.
Since she changed her profile picture to something that obvious, it would be difficult to pretend you haven’t noticed.
Normally, I’d suggest waiting for her to bring it up, but from a risk-management standpoint, it might be best to ask her toward the end of the date and then end the arrangement if necessary.
I don’t think this sort of thing happens very often.
That said, it’s fairly common for someone to have a boyfriend while keeping it hidden and continuing the relationship.
1. Should I meet her again next week?
2. Should I tell her I noticed the photo on LINE?
If we’ve already made plans to meet, I’d just meet her as usual.
If she doesn’t say anything, I’d probably ask her at the end, “You didn’t happen to get married, did you?”
3. Does this kind of thing happen often?
I don’t know anyone who has their partner or spouse as their LINE profile photo. Not many people even use a photo of themselves.
---
I have a strong aversion to being just like everyone else.
If something can be done by someone other than me, I’d rather leave it to them and follow a path only I can take.
I have a monthly arrangement partner who got married and had a baby. I was the one who encouraged her to get married, and I also strongly encouraged her when she was unsure about having a child.
Even though she never said it outright, I could clearly tell she was worried that I might leave her if she got married, or if she had a child.
Since I was the one who encouraged her to get married and have a child, I’m taking responsibility. She wanted me to remain by her side, so we ended our physical relationship to avoid it becoming infidelity. Even so, I’ve continued giving her the same allowance as before. It’s roughly the same amount I give my ace.
We go along a riverside with a beautiful view, with me pushing the stroller and her walking beside me. It’s the best kind of date—pure happiness. At least for me. I adore the baby as if it were my own.
She’s a woman equal to or better than my ace, and I expect we’ll continue seeing each other until I run out of money.
As for this question, I think the person asking has an option similar to mine.
One possibility would be to ease her guilt by saying, “I’m sorry. It must have been hard for you to tell me that you had a boyfriend and were getting married,” and then discuss what to do from here.
Even if you end the physical relationship, continuing to see her and give her an allowance could be a way of repaying her for the three years she spent with you.
Sex with a young woman is incredibly fun and enjoyable. But that’s a male form of desire. Although women receive money in return, their hearts must continue to hurt.
When someone reaches a major turning point like marriage, as in this case, I see it as an opportunity to repay her for everything she has given me.
I think the best thing is to properly face the monthly arrangement partner you’ve been seeing for three years—the woman who is presumably getting married—talk things through, and decide what comes next.
What’s the point of being with someone who cuts your allowance or breaks up with you as soon as an intimate relationship is no longer possible? I honestly don’t understand.
I take responsibility for a woman’s entire life, and even if intimacy is no longer possible, I continue supporting her.
I don’t think I’m in the same category as Paper Airplane; I think I’m more like Seattle. Seattle, I’m sorry if I’ve misunderstood you, lol.
> We can agree that Loser is something of a narcissist with strong self-esteem when it comes to women, right? If I’m wrong, let me know and I’ll reconsider, lol.
I do have high self-esteem when it comes to being able to devote myself completely to women, but I’ve never thought I was popular with them.
My competition is always other papas, and I’m confident that I can be more devoted to women than almost any other papa.
Whenever a woman is in trouble, I’ll rush over and do everything I can to solve the problem. If she catches a cold, I’ll naturally go shopping for her and buy medicine. I’ll even clean her house, do her laundry, and leave money behind for her.
I have the powerful ability to place myself beneath a woman. Most papas try to position themselves above women, but I’m the opposite.
I’m completely confident in putting myself beneath a woman. Whether I’m called an ATM or an old man, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.
You’re free to describe this in one word using conventional terms like “pervert,” “submissive,” “compulsive giver,” “overconfident,” or “high self-esteem.” I don’t think those descriptions would be entirely wrong.
But in my own words, what I’m aiming for is to go beyond papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). I enjoy observing how women change after reaching that point beyond papa-katsu.
There are two women who I believe have reached that point, and I’m currently trying with a third.
I suppose I got tired of simply giving money and having sex.
I think Seattle is also aiming to go beyond papa-katsu. I completely understand the feeling of giving money to grandchildren.
I dote on the child of my married monthly arrangement partner as if the child were my grandchild, and I think I’ll continue doing so until I run out of money. I’d even like to pay all the way through graduate school.
> I’m also close with 47.2-million-yen-chan’s husband. He says the two of us can even travel together. He says I’m the benefactor who saved his wife’s life with money.
That’s incredible! I’m outmatched. m(__)m
The difference between Mac and me is that I’m the kind of person who believes the Tokugawa buried treasure exists and keeps digging until I find it.
Mac, on the other hand, says, “I dug around, but it wasn’t there.” Mac is more realistic, and I don’t think he’s wrong.
I’m the kind of person who chases after things that probably don’t exist, but might possibly be out there. Most of the time they aren’t, of course, but I believe there’s something beyond papa-katsu, so I keep pursuing it.
Even if there is no such thing as “beyond papa-katsu,” I won’t be devastated. I’ll simply say, “It wasn’t there, but I had fun,” and move on with a smile.
The one thing I absolutely hate is giving up before finding out whether something exists. Right now, I’m with two women in what feels like the territory beyond papa-katsu. I won’t know until I die whether this really is what lies beyond papa-katsu, though.
■Addition
My thinking is close to that of Katase (female). To me, “because she’s married” and “because she has a boyfriend” mean about the same thing.
I can’t help wondering whether Mac simply lacks the courage to go beyond papa-katsu because he’s worried about infidelity. He should just continue looking after her.
That’s what justice looks like from my side. Since it’s “my side,” I’m not saying Mac’s sense of justice is wrong. By society’s standards, Mac is the one who’s right.
Still, I don’t think there’s any need to cut off a single woman completely. Does he really not forgive the women he cuts off?
I’ve cut off my ace twice. But I forgave her. There’s also a woman I cut off three times and eventually forgave.
In another case, a woman cut me off, but after a considerable amount of time had passed, she forgave me.
I feel that the bonds are stronger with women who have experienced a breakup, and that they’re more likely to reach the point beyond papa-katsu.
It’s papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), after all.
Of course, some women end up getting married.
Isn’t it enough to simply feel, “Congratulations on your marriage”?
Maybe she didn’t tell him because she thought he wouldn’t take it well.
From the start, Fuu has always supported women freely, whether they have a boyfriend, other papas (male supporters), or friends-with-benefits. So, among the women I had monthly arrangements with in the past, two of them happily moved on from my life.
After an adult relationship (intimate), they’d ask me things like, “I’m being approached by this kind of guy,” or “My boyfriend is like this,” and I’d give them some insight into how men think. We’d have a great time talking about romance, lol.
One of them still keeps in touch even after getting married. She’s sent me photos from her honeymoon and messages like, “My baby was born,” or “I’d like to see you again once things settle down.”
Another was raised by a single mother and didn’t have a father, so she asked, “Would you come to my wedding as part of the family?” LOL. I turned her down—it was a bit much—but she showed me the photos later.
Since papa-katsu involves money, isn’t this perfectly fine?
Of course, I also have married women with monthly arrangements. Their husbands are the non-sexual type, and they haven’t been intimate since having children, so they’re happy to have their desires fulfilled, to feel seen as women, and to have their need for validation met. I get plenty of compliments because we go twice quite enthusiastically.
Married women in their late 30s have a sexiness, emotional maturity, and girlfriend-like quality that women in their 20s don’t. They also put a lot of effort into their figures and skincare, so they can have a better sense of cleanliness than clumsy 20-somethings who drink, party at night, and don’t take care of themselves properly… Though I guess it depends on the person.
Fuu plans to keep things this way.
First, check whether you’ve been blocked.
(You can look up how to do this online.)
The fact that he’s using an icon that makes it blatantly obvious is a strong sign that you may have been blocked.
Changing his icon gives you the hint without him having to explain anything to you. (That’s pretty cowardly in itself.)
It’s unlikely, but you can’t know for sure whether he really got married. Photos can be edited in all sorts of ways.
Also, LINE’s sub-profile feature lets people use different icons for different contacts.
Whether you meet him again is up to you—assuming you can even get in touch with him…
You were together for three years and even traveled together. But that doesn’t change the fact that he betrayed you.
“Congratulations on your marriage”? Absolutely not! Words you don’t genuinely mean are meaningless. No matter how attached you are, don’t ever say that.
There’s absolutely no benefit to meeting him, so don’t indulge in wishful thinking.
Lastly, I doubt something like this happens very often.
Either way, the time has come to say goodbye.
Put an end to it as soon as possible.
Under no circumstances should you let your emotions sway you.
(Being kind doesn’t mean saying comforting things.)
I feel like that may be your biggest weakness.
(Sorry if I sound presumptuous. You remind me a little of myself, so I got carried away emotionally.)
You can’t just block her like that. It would make three years of memories fade away.
Tell her honestly, meet her one last time, give her as much money as you can as a wedding gift, and then part ways.
You could even let her have you one last time.
Depending on the amount, she may be grateful to you for the rest of her life. At the very least, you could become one of her good memories.
A postscript after seeing Mac and Make-Otoko.
I agree that I’d like to take responsibility for and embrace her entire life. But I’d only go that far for someone I’d been fond of for many years—and there are fewer than five of them.
Those women are aiming for a pseudo-family to have when they grow old. Isn’t that the same for Make-Otoko?
I even give their children New Year’s gifts and help with tuition. They’re like pseudo-grandchildren to me.
Normally, though, I part ways once things become impossible. I’ve also reduced the allowance for the dental hygienist I occasionally have dinner with, now that she’s married.
When I was young, I had no confidence at all. I thought I was a microscopic creature with no right to be alive—and, in reality, I was probably right.
Being able to give people money has actually helped me gain some confidence.
Half right? No, I’d say it’s about 80% right.
Back in the days when comments on the column appeared immediately, we used to have discussions about this kind of thing. It was fun, so I hope they’ll be posted once President Kida’s new site is up.
One more postscript.
That remaining 20% is simple: these days, I have about 20% confidence in myself.
The elementary-school-aged child of the cute housekeeper supported by the 47.2-million-yen woman Mac knows has been receiving tutoring from her for a long time. Her grades have improved, so she’s a potential future grandchild.
I’m also close with the pilot’s daughter. This is what “the other side” of papa-katsu looks like for me.
I’m even close with the 47.2-million-yen woman’s husband. He says it’s fine for the two of us to travel together. He considers me the lifesaver who rescued his wife with money.
To be continued.
Of course, I’m sure you already know this, but I didn’t spend a large amount of money to buy my way to “the other side.” When I was deciding the allowance for someone who had become a long-term monthly arrangement, the market rate had nothing to do with it. I simply decided the amount based on how much she needed to live happily. Yes, I was “buying trust.”
Mac, instead of blocking women and cutting them off, if you supported them until they became mothers, you’d probably have about 20 people who had made it to “the other side.” Don’t you think you could be a little less put off by married women? Compensation claims are only about three million yen, after all. (Though, of course, you’d need to check whether the husband is dangerous.)
Maybe the amount isn’t the issue. But Mac probably has too many women to have enough time to get involved with married ones. I suppose it’s a kind of selfless love—when I searched it, the word “agape” came up—helping many people far and wide.
Since I can only support a select few (that’s all I can afford), I also prioritize single women. Still, it’s enjoyable to give wedding or school-entry gifts after they get married, or go out for eel with the housekeeper and two or three others.
During COVID, I even became my own Uber Eats driver: shopping for supplies, buying medicine, and leaving money before heading home. Just like Make-Otoko. With enough history together, you can reach “the other side.” The woman Mac has entrusted with ten million yen must be grateful for life too.
When I die, I’d like about 20 women from the club to be called to my bedside. I want to hand out envelopes of money and ask them to create a LINE group called “Seattle’s Grave-Visiting Group.”
> I can understand being shocked after seeing the photo this morning.
But I’m not really sure what was so shocking about it. Maybe I’m not very good at risk management either, but just because her profile picture had been changed to a wedding photo, so what? That’s how I feel.
To begin with, did you want to marry this woman? Were you shocked because she got married before you?
If you had actually been planning to marry her, then yes, I can understand why you’d be shocked. But I assume that wasn’t the kind of relationship you had, right?
Since this was a relationship involving an allowance, I think you should remember the basic principle: when you’re not together, it’s best to think of her as a separate person living her own life.
Your relationship with her exists because you provide an allowance. While you’re together, she’s a wonderful woman—and there’s nothing wrong with that. So what exactly are you unhappy about?
It seems to me that you should simply continue seeing her as before.
That said, if this creates risks that you’re no longer willing to take, then I think it would be best to meet her normally next time, explain the situation, and say goodbye.
Perhaps she also sees next time as your last meeting and wants to part on good terms. It’s also possible that she won’t officially register the marriage for a little while yet.
I almost feel that you should properly congratulate her and part amicably. If you’ve had a good relationship until now, it might even be appropriate to give her around one million yen separately from the allowance—but of course, that depends on how you feel.
So, in short:
You should meet her next week.
First, I’d message her on LINE: “I noticed you changed your profile picture—did you get married?” Then I’d decide what to do based on her reply.
You must be going through an incredibly painful situation. Even from your message, I can sense your shock, distress, and inability to process everything that has happened.
To be honest, if I were in your position, I think I would be more deeply hurt not by the fact that he got married itself, but by the fact that after spending three years together, he never told me anything. Perhaps there were circumstances that made it difficult for him to say so, but even then, the fact that he never mentioned it would make me wonder whether we ever had that much trust between us. I would also feel deeply unsettled by how little consideration he showed.
Regarding your three questions:
First, if you’re asking whether this kind of thing happens often, unfortunately, I don’t think it’s unheard of. However, whether it’s normal or something you should accept is a separate issue.
As for whether you should see him next week, I don’t think you need to force yourself to make a clear-cut decision right away. You only found out this morning, and your emotions are still unsettled. Making an immediate decision would be incredibly difficult.
And regarding whether you should tell him that you noticed the photo, I think it would be very painful to meet him while pretending you haven’t seen it.
Personally, I don’t think it would be wrong to meet him one last time and talk things through properly. Three years is a significant amount of time, and it’s also true that you shared many happy memories.
You could meet him, thank him by saying, “Thank you for everything,” and “I had a wonderful time with you,” and then quietly create some distance. Rather than ending things in an emotional way, I think this could be a way of saying goodbye that also protects your own heart.
I completely understand that you want to bring things to an end without making them more complicated, rather than suddenly blocking him. Especially since he knows your address and where you work.
Today must have been a tremendous shock, and it’s only natural that you feel confused.
Please don’t blame yourself. Instead, think of this as proof of how seriously you faced the relationship.
Your feelings may not catch up right away, but with time, things will gradually become clearer.
I hope you can find even a little strength.
P.S.
Mac,
I can understand your opinion as one particular set of values.
It’s true that, legally, a married person’s papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) could potentially become an issue, and I don’t deny that some people view that seriously.
However, what troubles me is that your comments seemed to contain a fairly strong sense of discomfort and disapproval toward married people engaging in papa-katsu itself.
I understand where you’re coming from, but I also find myself wishing you could show a little more imagination toward the circumstances of the married women involved.
When someone is single, dating multiple people is less likely to be criticized, while when someone is married, it is considered completely unacceptable. Legally, that may indeed be the case. But when viewed from the perspective of “being dishonest,” I’m not sure the difference is always so clear-cut. The basic structure—having relationships with multiple people while separating one’s feelings and time—may have some similarities in both situations.
Also, in many cases, having children is a major reason why a married woman chooses not to divorce.
There is the responsibility of being a mother and the choice to avoid breaking up the family. At the same time, there may be an inner conflict between not being able to completely abandon her desires as an individual or her need to feel satisfied with her own life.
I don’t think that can simply be dismissed as “having no honor.”
She wants to be a saintly mother in her children’s eyes.
But her life only comes once, and somewhere inside, she also wants to feel at peace with herself.
I think people could try a little harder to imagine the reality that some married women live with these contradictions.
Of course, I’m not trying to change your values, Mac.
However, “honor” is not a law but a matter of personal values. Who someone feels responsible toward, what they consider betrayal, and where they draw the line between acceptable behavior and disloyalty can vary greatly from person to person.
For some, absolute loyalty to one’s spouse is the very definition of honor. For others, preserving the family and maintaining everyday life may be what honor means. Some may even believe that a relationship without emotional involvement does not violate that principle.
So even when people use the same word—“honor”—what they actually mean by it can differ from person to person. There is no single definition.
Whether what lies beyond papa-katsu is affection or emptiness is also not something with only one right answer. The circumstances that lead people there, and the world they see from their own perspective, are different for everyone.
This is simply a matter of risk management. You’re already aware that “anyone who isn’t single is high-risk,” aren’t you? So what are you talking about when you say things like “we’ve been getting along and seeing each other for a long time” or “I don’t want to cut off contact completely and make things awkward”? If you’re self-employed, you’re essentially on your own, so I’d expect you to have at least that level of risk awareness—or rather, animal instinct.
Putting a wedding photo on LINE has two implications:
① She herself has poor risk awareness → There’s a high risk that her husband will find out about the questioner.
② The questioner isn’t being taken seriously → To put it bluntly, she’s looking down on you. Don’t you think she sees you as a papa (a male supporter) who has little experience with women, is easy to manipulate, and easy to deceive?
There are all kinds of preferences in this world. Some people get excited by women who have boyfriends or husbands—the whole “netorare” or “netori” thing—but if you’re not into that, then cutting her off is the only option. I’d send a LINE saying, “So you got married—congratulations. I don’t want your husband to come after me, so I’m ending our relationship here. Thanks for everything,” save screenshots of the entire LINE history just in case, and then block her. That’s what I would do.
As for whether “this kind of thing happens often”: I’ve probably been in this world for about eight years now. One of the office workers I was seeing early on changed her LINE profile photo to a picture of a baby. I suppose she’s simply the kind of person who doesn’t block or delete people and has little risk awareness. I just quietly delete and block them without saying anything. Disappearing cleanly from her life—that’s part of a papa’s etiquette, or almost a matter of honor. Precisely because this is a lawless world, we should at least conduct ourselves properly so we don’t cause trouble for innocent outsiders—the husbands.
Kamikōki-san:
> I also think cutting her off is best.
Both Kamikōki-san and Makeotoko-san seem to have a bit of that tendency, too. I noticed it when Kamikōki-san wrote in a recent question about the different types of papas who only go out for meals, “I don’t fit into any of them.” It occurred to me that Kamikōki-san and Makeotoko-san might be similar in terms of category.
At the root of both of you is probably a firm sense of self-worth cultivated when you were young: “I’m popular with women.” From an outsider’s perspective, it can even seem narcissistic. You have a rigid internal model of how romance and relationships between men and women are supposed to work, like a fortified castle.
Whether money is involved or not, you want things to proceed slowly. At first, you want the woman to be reluctant about an adult relationship (intimate), but as you meet more often, you want her to gradually show interest in you of her own accord. With Makeotoko-san, there also seems to be a “financial-submissive” fetish, while Kamikōki-san may be somewhat more strongly narcissistic.
I’ve written whatever came to mind, so if there’s anything I’ve got wrong, please tell me. I’d like to correct my understanding and improve my ability to observe people.
> I think I’m in the same category as Seattle-san.
I don’t see you as being in the same category as Seattle-san, though. You may look similar on the surface, but to me there’s one decisive difference: I feel that somewhere in his heart, Seattle-san is looking for a return on his investment. He seems to be investing in the hope that these women will become something like a surrogate family for him when he grows old.
There’s also the difference in self-esteem. Seattle-san seems like a man with an extremely good overall profile, but for some reason he doesn’t seem confident in anything except giving women money. Am I wrong in thinking that Makeotoko-san is a narcissistic type with particularly strong self-esteem when it comes to women? If so, please tell me so I can revise my understanding.
> Seattle-san and Makeotoko-san
Thank you for explaining. I’m curious about the remaining 20 percent of Seattle-san. Is the part about “looking for a return” where I’m mistaken?
I got the impression that Makeotoko-san was extremely self-confident—basically a narcissist—because of the provocative writing he posted when he first appeared here. But did that come from a competitive urge toward me and the other papas? If so, the two of you have in common that you’re both aiming for “the other side of papa-katsu.”
The decisive difference between you two and me is that I believe the other side of papa-katsu is nothing but emptiness. The same goes for my relationship with the woman I’ve had a weekend marriage with for twenty years; it isn’t limited to papa-katsu. There is no “other side” in any human relationship, not just relationships between men and women. There is only the present moment. No matter how deep a relationship becomes, it can collapse and disappear overnight. I learned that through divorce, I suppose.
I feel that this answer really highlights the difference between me and the two of you, Kamikōki-san, and the other answerers. Aren’t you all rather naively assuming that this married woman’s husband would be surprisingly forgiving if he found out she had been secretly doing papa-katsu?
If it were me, I would never forgive the woman. And if I found out that the other papa knew she was married and continued seeing her anyway, I might even devote the rest of my life to taking revenge on him with everything I had. It isn’t about compensation or money. I know I’m writing something a little frightening and perhaps exaggerated, but people like that really do exist. That’s where the word “honor,” which I often use, comes from.
I’m also impressed, in a different way, by the story Kamikōki-san often tells about still being involved with an ex-fiancée. I could never imitate that. That’s why I value the relationships that exist right in front of me. I’m not pessimistic about the future so much as empty about it. Human relationships can disappear in an instant. You all seem rather optimistic about “the other side of papa-katsu.” Why is that?
> Seattle-san
Thank you for the follow-up to the follow-up. It reminded me of the saying, “Happiness can’t be bought with money. It takes a large amount of money.” And also, “Kill one person and you’re a criminal; kill many in a war and you’re a hero.” Maybe money can buy people’s hearts if the amount is large enough?
Another similarity between Seattle-san and Makeotoko-san may lie in their early experiences of success: the confidence that they brought one woman to “the other side of papa-katsu.”
Another difference between Seattle-san and me may be whether we struggled financially when we were young. In my case, I have always felt that there’s no way money can buy someone’s heart. I think that’s because I’ve never had financial difficulties in my life. How was it for Makeotoko-san again?
That’s probably why, when I project myself onto the woman’s husband, I think, “I could never forgive her.” I can’t sympathize by thinking, “She must have been desperate for money.” I know intellectually that there are people driven to despair and even death by financial hardship, and that money can save lives, but I don’t really have any personal sense of that.
I can understand becoming attached to, or trusting, a selfless wealthy person who gives you that much money. Rather than “buying someone’s heart,” it may be more accurate to say “buying trust.” That’s as far as I can empathize. If anything beyond that kind of relationship develops, then that must truly be the “other side of papa-katsu”—a place I don’t know.
That said, the 21-year-old currently sleeping naked beside me used to be barely getting by before she met me. She started papa-katsu because she was genuinely struggling with tuition and living expenses, met me, was able to catch her breath, and eventually chose to see only me because she decided that having me meet her a few times a month was enough. So I must have helped her, even if the amount was different. You’d think that if this relationship matured over time, we might reach the other side of papa-katsu, but I can’t see that happening.
I’ve had dozens of relationships with women who continued like this or have continued in the past. Is it because I’m the one who ends them? This may just be my own way of thinking, but it isn’t about the amount of money, is it? What matters is whether you can help someone with the money they genuinely need at that moment.
I’ve had several women tell me things like, “I’m getting married, but I’d still like to keep seeing you if that’s okay.” I turned them all down and blocked them.
Come to think of it, I recently met the mother of a 26-year-old woman who has had no other partner since I was her first time three years ago, and who still sees only me three or four times a month. She has no desire to get married and apparently wants to continue our relationship as long as I’m willing, eventually hoping to have her parents approve of us. Meeting her mother seemed to be part of preparing for that, although of course her mother knew nothing about the circumstances. We simply exchanged greetings along the lines of, “I’m always grateful for your daughter’s help at work.”
If there is anyone who might show me the other side of papa-katsu, it would probably be this girl. Even so, it could all collapse in an instant if she changed her mind. So to me, it’s still an illusion. The other side of papa-katsu. Only the present moment is real.
> Katase-san
I understand what you’re saying very well. When I talk about “honor,” I mean the kind of boundary found in the yakuza world—something like, “If you cross that line, you can’t complain if you get killed.” It’s about risk management and male self-defense: What would you do if the husband happened to have that kind of worldview?
It’s similar to why women insist on using condoms. I don’t condemn married women in the slightest for feeling that way. Just as I have nothing to say to a woman who understands the risks of not using a condom and still agrees to it, I don’t condemn men who choose to date married women after understanding the risks involved. I’m not exactly an ethical person, haha.
In this particular question, the point I especially want to emphasize is that the woman is displaying her profile icon to the questioner. That means she’s also careless around her husband, making it highly likely that he may eventually see their LINE exchanges. I’m thinking, “She’s trouble—cut things off immediately.”
If a married woman were extremely careful to make sure it never came to light, I might be open to it. It sounds appealing, after all, haha. I’d also want to know what kind of person her husband is and where he works. If he really had ties to that sort of underworld, things could become extremely serious. Even with laws against organized crime, if you give them clear evidence of wrongdoing on your part, they’ll strip you of everything. Someone I know lost not just money for compensation but his entire company.
> Maybe you simply don’t have the courage to go to “the other side” because of the infidelity?
Oh, Makeotoko-san is back with his microphone performance after all this time. “Bring it on!” That takes me back.
In this case, though, I think it’s less about courage and more about personal preference. I have absolutely no interest in netori or netorare. And that analogy about there being no buried treasure hits the nail on the head. I’m the kind of person who would never buy a lottery ticket.
Speaking of lotteries, about six months ago I found a ticket lying in the street before the winning numbers had been announced. I checked it excitedly, only to find that it had lost. I was disappointed even though I hadn’t paid for it myself. I actually regretted picking it up. That’s the sort of person I am.
For me, paradise isn’t “the other side of papa-katsu.” It’s “this side”—this very moment. Just as I don’t buy lottery tickets, I don’t invest in the future.
> I don’t think it’s necessary to cut off single women permanently. Don’t you ever forgive the women you’ve cut off?
When you talk about “forgiving” a single woman you cut off, I assume she must have done something that seriously damaged your trust, right? A few women come to mind, but for me it isn’t really about whether I forgive them or not. It’s more that I remain in a state of alert. That’s exactly what trust is.
This applies not only to papa-katsu but to relationships with men as well: I thoroughly avoid getting involved with anyone who has already caused problems. Building a new relationship is very easy, including in papa-katsu, so I don’t see any reason to remain in a damaged one.
As long as someone maintains a good relationship with me, they’re essentially family to me, and I’m extremely kind to people in that position. How kind? Even if a 20-year-old girl quietly took 10,000 yen from the wallet in my trousers while I was taking a shower, I’d simply start taking my trousers into the changing area so she couldn’t steal from me again, subtly teaching her without saying anything, and continue the relationship. She probably couldn’t have survived otherwise. It was like being bitten by a cat you keep.
But I have something like a sensitive nerve inside me, and if someone touches it, the relationship disappears instantly. That’s probably what “honor” means to me.
One of those boundaries is “don’t harm me.” I don’t care about 10,000 yen from my wallet, but the woman in this question is practically signaling through her carelessness, “I’m the kind of woman who doesn’t care if her husband finds out about this relationship.” I regard that as harm directed at me. So I block her.
Congratulations on the woman getting married!
Rather than complaining about it, you could interpret this as one of the better outcomes. From her perspective, she could have cut things off without telling you anything when she got married or started dating someone.
It’s probably just disappointing that she didn’t tell you or come to you for advice. As a relationship, it wasn’t bad, but it was a somewhat ambiguous one.
1. You should meet her.
2. You should say something.
3. It’s not entirely impossible.
Before I ever joined a club, there was a woman I met more than 20 times a month for several years and gave spending money to, in what was essentially a papa-katsu-like arrangement. She eventually got married, and I even had her and her husband help me with work. She still helps me with work today. Before she got married, she consulted me about things like the man’s occupation.
I’ve also remained in contact with my divorced ex-wife and a former fiancée who broke off our engagement. The latter still comes to me for advice about her family, her husband, and all sorts of worries and secrets.
You’ll probably understand what position you hold in this woman’s life once you meet and talk with her.
The fact that she didn’t tell you anything or ask for advice makes me feel that she didn’t necessarily want to end the relationship, but didn’t know what would happen if she brought it up. So she continued things until the last possible moment, hoping that if it could continue even after obtaining your approval after the fact, she could make that happen—and if not, she would give up.
In other words, you were an important papa, but perhaps not an important person to her.
> If the questioner isn’t that kind of person, then cutting things off is the only option.
I also think it would be best to cut things off.
The fact that she didn’t even come to you for advice suggests that there wasn’t really a relationship, or dating relationship, there in the first place. You were simply a papa who gave her money—someone she didn’t want others to know about.
Mac,
You’ve got the general idea right—actually, almost completely right.
As for the pattern that makes me popular, that’s just my own personal pattern. Or rather, it’s based on my strengths and characteristics.
I’m not handsome, so women don’t suddenly fall for me based on my looks, and ordinary-looking women who are only interested in handsome men don’t approach me either. I simply focus on my own strengths.
If she’s beautiful, regardless of her appearance, I’ll listen to her concerns and offer advice about things she’s interested in. In the process, she develops feelings for me and may even become my girlfriend.
So I’m the kind of ordinary-looking—or maybe unattractive—man who requires that sort of process.
A drama I watched yesterday said that wild animals have clear criteria for choosing a mate.
It also seemed to say that, in human romance, people end up breaking up if they don’t meet the other person’s criteria.
I think some people mainly care whether the other person fits their own standards, while others are interested in adapting themselves to the other person’s standards.
I’m not interested in my own standards; I’m interested in the other person’s. I think that’s why women feel comfortable with me. Since I turned 30, women have never been the ones to leave me. Even when they’re the ones who reject me, they apparently don’t want to cut ties.
As long as the other person is happy and enjoying herself, I don’t mind even if I’m uncomfortable. In fact, if she genuinely seems to be having fun, that makes me happy.
I do seem to have a fairly masochistic side.
If Make-Too-Much Money is a financial-support slave, perhaps I’m a consideration slave.
This applies to sex as well, since I’m only interested in the other person’s standards. So it’s not just in ordinary relationships—even more so with women from a club, since they can feel fulfilled without any burden on their part, making it especially welcome.
> I want her to show me little by little that she likes me.
Since I wasn’t handsome, I could only gradually attract a woman’s affection. It was simply an unavoidable process.
By the way, the beautiful woman who broke off her engagement is extraordinarily beautiful, but the man she married was less attractive than I am. He was someone she turned to for advice when she broke up with me.
The more beautiful a woman is, the less she tends to care about her partner’s looks. In fact, for some beautiful women, a man who isn’t handsome may be better because he’s more likely to be the kind of person who fulfills their wishes and does things their way.
After all, they’ve already experienced plenty of intense attention based on their appearance.
As an added thought:
When a man is handsome, it may actually be difficult for him to recognize whether a woman genuinely likes him. If she already likes him from the start, how can he tell whether it’s because of his personality, her true feelings, or simply superficial attraction? Many women will approach him because of his looks.
If a man isn’t handsome, women don’t approach him based on his appearance. Since there are no feelings at the beginning, changes in the woman’s feelings gradually become visible. She starts becoming interested, develops affection, and even changes the way she looks at him. Those changes are very gratifying for a man.
When a woman develops feelings for him, those feelings have grown out of the time they’ve spent together, including getting to know his inner self. They’re built through mutual understanding and the experience of meeting each other, so they don’t fall apart easily.
For some people, that person becomes a partner; for some women, he may even become someone more important than a spouse—or perhaps someone who surpasses one.
> “There is a firmly established process in my mind, like an impregnable fortress, dictating how romantic relationships between men and women should be.”
I think that’s the result of honing my own ability to handle situations.
I believe each person has a different process.
In my case, the fact that serving the woman isn’t painful for me, and that I want to adapt to her standards, makes it easier for me to build relationships—not only with club women, but with women in general.
I don’t demand anything in return for the allowance, so being with me can actually serve as stress relief for the woman. Since I also welcome that, I think it shows that this kind of relationship can exist.
First of all, if you had already agreed to meet, I think you should go ahead and meet.
As for her LINE profile picture, you can ask her about it when you meet. I assume your relationship exists only within the framework of the dating club, so I think it would be good for both of you to clarify that. Just be careful not to let things get complicated between you.
In my case, we’ve agreed to occasionally go on dates even after our arrangement through the dating club ends. I’m an old man, so I’d like to see her grow from time to time（笑）—and she seems to look forward to checking in and seeing whether this old man is still doing well（笑）
As for whether this is common or not, I’d say it’s probably not very common.
