I’d like some advice about a male member from another club whom I met a month ago.
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There’s a little over a 20-year age gap between us.
We meet anywhere from once a week to twice a week. Our adult relationship (intimate) isn’t every week.
His feelings seem to be getting a little out of control, and it’s becoming emotionally exhausting. Lately, I’ve been seriously struggling with it.
↓ Things that have started to feel too much:
・He calls me for an hour every day. When I gently suggest shortening the calls or ask whether messaging would be enough, he gets extremely lonely and disappointed. Recently, he’s even started calling again a little while after I hang up. I can’t relax mentally, and it’s becoming a considerable burden.
・He talks about his plans for after his upcoming retirement, including his current separation, divorce, and his future with me. For some reason, he seems to assume that we’ll eventually live together. I was shaken when he told me he was thinking about which area we should live in. I never remember agreeing to anything like that—it suddenly came up out of nowhere.
・He asked me something like, “Don’t you want children?” but phrased it as though he assumed he would become a parent with me.
・He tells me, “I want you to be exclusive to me, so could you take down your profile?”
To be honest, the allowance is quite low (a monthly payment—just over 50,000 yen, plus shopping, in the terms used on this site), and I feel that the burden on me is too great for the terms. He’s also pushing the distance between us closer like a boyfriend, and I don’t know how to handle it…
That said, there are good sides too. He worries about me and looks after me so much that it can almost feel overprotective.
If he can’t change the allowance, I’d at least like him to reduce the burden on me a little. But honestly, I want both less burden and a higher allowance!
I’m not good at speaking firmly, so people tend to push their way in with me. Would it be all right to clearly tell him that I don’t like certain things and that I’m not looking for a boyfriend or a marriage partner through this relationship? I’m worried that all my frustrations might explode during the discussion…
Before that, should I first clarify what he actually wants—whether he’s looking for a pseudo-romantic relationship, wants to become my boyfriend, or wants to get married—and then discuss things with him?
Also, is this kind of behavior just common at the beginning and likely to settle down over time?
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂30s👑Universe female member
People who are seriously in the process of getting divorced really are a bit off, just as Aya said.
I once dealt with someone who was in the middle of divorce proceedings, and when I left him on read, he started acting like a stalker.
So I think you should focus on finding a way to distance yourself from him safely. It’ll probably be difficult to keep things at a reasonable level, so I’d suggest ending things.
Marika
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Men are creatures who will keep misunderstanding things 100% of the time.
So, do you keep playing along with him?
If so, you’ll probably need a guy who can listen to the complaints you can’t share with anyone and serve as a stress reliever…
Otherwise, it’ll only be painful, so you should say goodbye as soon as possible…
Besides, if you’re seeing him about twice a week, there should already be plenty of interaction initiated by you alone—you really shouldn’t need him to contact you.
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That’s a bad papa if he’s already acting like that after only a month.
Men who are considering divorce tend to be emotionally unstable, so they’re difficult to cultivate—and I think they’re hard to control as well.
As for how to distance yourself, maybe make it look like you’re struggling emotionally too.
You could say anything, like workplace harassment or trauma from an ex, and act as though you’re too emotionally drained to have any room for a relationship. If your papa doesn’t increase your allowance, cut things off by saying you’re dealing with mental health issues.
I think it’s fine to hide “Universal Studios.”
You were just unlucky this time, but not all men are like that, so keep your chin up.
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I’ve never seen him go off the rails, so I can’t say whether he’ll calm down in the future, but he seems like quite a handful. People like that don’t usually settle down—they tend to escalate.
I think he’ll probably say he wants to be your boyfriend, or that he wants to marry you if he gets divorced. You may have financial reasons for putting up with this, but I think you’re a really good person for going along with him.
Since he’s 20 years older than you, this papa is much older than me, yet I can’t help thinking what a disappointing adult he is. There’s no one that tacky in my circle, and I wouldn’t deal with someone like that even if he got down on his knees and begged.
There are also plenty of stupid men in their 30s who don’t understand papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), but I’m surprised that people that foolish exist among older men too.
Since the allowance is low to begin with, I don’t think there’s any point trying to make this work. I’d suggest telling him how you really feel, as you intend to, and ending things if that doesn’t work. Just be careful about how you do it so he doesn’t harass you.
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I don’t think you’ll figure out the man’s intentions just by talking it over with him. Your concern is that he calls too often and it feels emotionally overwhelming, not what’s causing it.
If anything, it probably won’t improve and will only escalate, so I think you should simply tell him clearly when something makes you uncomfortable.
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> Will his outbursts settle down once we’ve been seeing each other for a while?
People’s personalities don’t change, so I feel he’ll probably stay this way.
If anything, I think he’d calm down toward you if he became interested in another woman—but by then, it would probably mean the end of your relationship is near.
> I don’t know what his intentions are. Should I clarify that first and then talk things over with him?
He simply wants to have you all to himself.
I think that includes wanting to monopolize your feelings as well, which is probably why he’s asking whether you have any desire to get married.
If he were serious, he’d probably have that conversation after getting divorced. For now, it seems like his possessiveness is getting ahead of everything else.
If this is genuinely painful for you, I think you should end things. But you should also consider the situation as a whole, including whether you actually need the allowance.
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That guy is a complete idiot. He’s definitely worth blocking immediately.
If you don’t have anyone else yet and you’re bored, you could try negotiating little by little. But seriously, an hour-long phone call? I can’t believe it. What’s supposed to be fun about that?
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