I cheated, and now that I almost got caught, I regret it—albeit too late
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This is a relationship question, but could you please scold me and give me some advice?
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year, but lately we’ve been arguing a lot. When I started thinking about breaking up, I downloaded a dating app (Tinder) and ended up meeting one of the men I matched with.
The man I met wanted a serious relationship, and I hid the fact that I had a boyfriend. We went on one dinner date.
The date was fun, and afterward we continued exchanging casual messages and talking on the phone every day for about three weeks.
After communicating with him for a while, I realized that I wanted to make up with my boyfriend after all, so I told him that I couldn’t see him anymore because I couldn’t develop feelings for him.
Then he said, “Actually, one of my friends is friends with that guy you know—your boyfriend—and I heard from him that you posted a photo of the two of you together on your Instagram story.”
Apparently, my boyfriend knew the friend of the man I met on the app, and they were connected on Instagram.
Now I can’t stop thinking about what might happen if that man’s friend tells my boyfriend that I was using a dating app.
I feel terrible and regret what I did more than I can say, but I want to take this to my grave.
I ended things amicably with the man I met on the app and won’t see him again. He apparently assumed that my boyfriend was also someone I had met through the app, but I’m still nervous that he might find out I actually had a boyfriend.
Should I contact the man I met through the app myself and tell him something like, “That guy was my ex, and we got back together”? Or should I simply reflect on what I did and leave things as they are?
I’m sorry to bring such a pathetic problem here. I had no one I could talk to, so I decided to ask here. Thank you.
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I don’t believe that arguing means you’re close, so I’m questioning the relationship in the first place. And if your boyfriend considers simply going out for a meal to be cheating, I feel you’ll only end up exhausted down the road.
So I hope you continue as you are, doing nothing and without reflecting on your actions.
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> “I cheated.”
I understand the idea that getting carried away and going on a date with someone of the opposite sex counts as cheating.
However, generally speaking, most people consider it cheating when you actually have sex with someone else.
By that definition, since you only went out for a meal, it seems you haven’t actually cheated—you were more in a situation of:
“Attempted cheating” (you tried to cheat but didn’t go through with it).
If that’s the case, and you consider that you didn’t actually cheat, I don’t see any problem with continuing to date your ex-boyfriend.
Even if he finds out about this, if you explain clearly that it was only a meal, I think he’ll understand that it wasn’t really cheating.
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I think the only thing you did wrong was signing up for a dating app just because you had a fight.
There’s nothing unusual about having friends you go out to eat with or keep in touch with.
If you sincerely reflect on what you did wrong and don’t repeat the same mistake, I think that’s enough. But if you end up using a dating app again whenever you have a fight, then you haven’t really reflected on it or considered it wrong—that’s simply who you are.
So I don’t think you’re that terrible. What matters is what you do from here on out.
If you’ve realized that you don’t want to lose your current boyfriend, then you should start treating him accordingly. There’s no need to bring the matter up again yourself, but if he asks you about it, I think you should be honest with him.
What he decides to do after that is up to him.
From now on, just try to live without having regrets.
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Rather than being “something pathetic,” it’s perfectly natural and normal—it’s part of youth.
Just keep moving forward and gaining experience as you are, without forcing yourself to do anything. There’s nothing wrong with that.
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I’m Misato, a female member.
When I was 20, I got tired of my boyfriend being so controlling. After breaking up with him, I went on a few dates with someone who had confessed his feelings for me. But after a while, I realized I still preferred my ex, so we got back together.
You may have had a change of heart before ending things, but perhaps this also gave you a valuable opportunity to realize what you liked about him.
Having a meal and keeping in touch with someone is something I’d do even with a male friend. You don’t need to tell either of them anything, and even if they find out, I think you should just be confident about it.
You may be feeling guilty, but telling the truth isn’t necessarily always the best thing for the other person.
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I recently broke up with my boyfriend too—we’d been together for two and a half years, but all we ever did was argue…
Now that we’re apart, I feel so relieved. It’s almost strange how I wonder why I was ever so attached to him.
You’re still young, so I’m sure you’ll meet someone who’s right for you. Before he has the chance to break up with you, be the one to end it. Just make sure you tell him, “Thank you for everything,” before you part ways.
Wishing you all the best.
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