I’m a woman in my 20s, and I’d like to ask those of you with more experience for advice.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for six months.
The first time we had sex (about six months after meeting and three weeks into our relationship), he had prepared condoms, but he hadn’t done it in a while and couldn’t put one on properly? I felt sorry for him, so I gave in and we had unprotected sex three times.
Afterward, I became worried and told him that I’d never had unprotected sex before and wanted him to use condoms. He started using them, but after we’d done it a few more times, he began asking, “Do we really have to use a condom?” more and more often. Each time, I ended up giving in and saying it was okay.
The same thing happened when we went on a trip recently, so I told him, “I feel worried and anxious when you don’t use a condom.” He apologized and hugged me, but then said, “I feel like everyone around us who’s pregnant must have finished inside.” I replied, “I don’t want you to think that’s just normal,” and we ended the conversation.
Over the next two weeks, we had sex twice and he used condoms, but the other day, after we had finished foreplay, he said, “We don’t have any condoms, so I want to do it anyway.”
I didn’t give in, so we stopped without going all the way, but should I have gotten angry?
If I prepare the condoms myself, I feel like I’ll have to keep preparing them from now on.
Was it wrong of me to give in even once…?
Since I already allowed it, do I need to let him occasionally have sex without a condom from now on? Will men become disappointed and cheat if they don’t get their way?
It makes me sad because, apart from this, my boyfriend has so many wonderful qualities.
Twice now, after foreplay, he’s said, “We can’t go all the way today because we don’t have any condoms.” When I replied, “Then let’s stop,” he said that he still wanted to. It’s made me wonder whether he simply doesn’t want to have sex with me unless it’s without a condom, and whether we need to have another serious conversation about it.
For context, I take birth control pills, just in case, but I haven’t told him.
I’m not anxious because I’m worried about getting pregnant. Rather, even if unprotected sex feels exciting in the moment, afterward I start worrying and overthinking things like, “Is he only dating me because I’m willing to have sex without a condom?” That’s why I don’t like it—it’s not good for my mental health. I actually really enjoy sex.
Sorry this is so disorganized. Thank you in advance for your advice.
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If your partner is serious about getting married, I suppose going without a condom might be okay, but I never had sex without one until I got married.
We were dating with marriage in mind from the beginning, but I wanted to do things in the proper order. I also thought that was just the normal way to do things.
Honestly, I’d been earning enough since I started working that I was financially in a position to get married at any time, but I felt that was a separate issue.
Also, there aren’t many shotgun marriages among the people around me, so I don’t think I’m anything special.
That said, at least among the people I know, those few who did have shotgun marriages tended to be seeing multiple people. Some of them ended up having children with someone who wasn’t their main partner and then getting married.
I do think you should take the time to figure out what kind of person your partner really is.
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Men in their 20s can still perform with a condom, though once they get older, they may not even manage without one.
Before I got married, I always made sure to use one. Maybe my boyfriend is thinking he’d be happy to marry me.
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I don’t use condoms with my girlfriend.
If she suddenly asked me to put one on, I’d actually start worrying and wonder why.
I can understand it if it’s a woman from a dating club, but if my girlfriend said it, I’d feel a little uncomfortable.
Also, if we’re in a serious relationship with marriage in mind, having sex without a condom wouldn’t be unusual. In that sense, a man would use a condom with someone he’s just casually seeing and not serious about.
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Is there really a problem with having sex without a condom with your boyfriend?
I’d understand if you didn’t want to get married yet and didn’t want to get pregnant, but you’re on the pill, aren’t you?
When I was having sex with my ex-wife, I also had unprotected sex and pulled out. If she happened to get pregnant, I intended to marry her.
Your boyfriend may feel the same way.
Thinking that he’s only dating you because you let him have sex with you without a condom shows that your self-esteem is far too low.
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You’ve allowed it to happen so many times that it’s probably difficult to ask him to use protection afterward. He’s come to think that if he pushes back, he can get his way. You were also the one who taught him how pleasurable it can be without using protection.
If being firm doesn’t work, either end the relationship or protect yourself by taking the pill or using another form of contraception. Of course, that won’t protect you from sexually transmitted infections.
Think carefully about what you want to do.
Marika
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Questioner, forgive me for saying this, but aren’t you being too preoccupied with the fear of being disliked?
Even if he dislikes you, there must be plenty of better men out there, so you should be more assertive. There are practically endless numbers of men who’ll use protection.
If you don’t want to break up with him, I think you’ll have to provide the condoms yourself.
When you leave contraception entirely up to the other person, men may get the wrong idea: “She has no initiative, so if I ask, maybe she’ll let me go without one.” To put it rather bluntly, your boyfriend will start looking down on you.
So, for example, get one of those “world’s thinnest” products, like Okamo○’s 0.01 mm condoms, and say something like, “I bought these because the reviews were really good♡” and have him use one. At the very least, do that much.
Also, it should be “the other day,” not “the other day” in the overly casual form you used. Judging from your wording, and I’m truly sorry to say this, you came across as perhaps a little lacking in intelligence…
To make it through life as a woman, you need not only kindness and charm, but also wisdom. Good luck.
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