I seem to get along well with older men through papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), but I’m really awkward when it comes to actual romance. I’ve dated nearly 100 older men, so I’ve gradually figured out how to interact with older guys. Wear this kind of outfit, give this kind of response, and they’ll probably be pleased. So, although it feels strange to say it myself, I think I do fairly well in papa-katsu because I can act a little coquettishly and make the most of my cute looks. My papas often compliment me by saying things like, “You must be popular, right?” and “You’re really good with men.”
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However, in actual relationships, even though people compliment my looks, I’m not popular with men. I have no idea how to act around guys my own age. I feel like they’d be completely put off if I treated them the same way I treat my papas.
I use lots of emojis and heart symbols when messaging my papas. I also make a point of constantly complimenting them and making them feel important when we talk. But I worry that doing that with guys in their early twenties would come across as creepy. Honestly, I find it easier to respond during papa-katsu because my approach has become almost scripted around my motto of making the man feel important. I imagine that many papa-katsu girls are like me and tend to act cute, but if a girl they were romantically interested in treated them that way when they were younger, how would all the male members here feel? Wouldn’t you think, “Wow, she’s really used to dealing with men”?
I’m Date◎Yume, a male member.
Basically, since both your papa-katsu partners and younger men are men, I think it’s fine to treat them the same way.
If I had to make a distinction:
- Be friendly with men your own age.
- Show respect to your papa (a male supporter), since he’s supporting you.
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I’m Aya, a female member.
I enjoy papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) quite a bit myself, if I may say so.
But I don’t often hear things like, “You must be popular, right?” or “You’re good at dealing with men.” Maybe it’s because I only continue seeing papas who like me being natural rather than acting cute or trying to win them over.
I also talk naturally with men around my age, and I feel like that actually makes me more popular. Everyone’s different, of course, but maybe things go better when you don’t focus too much on the age difference.
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I’m columnist Fuu.
Aren’t you overthinking it a little?
Is there really that much difference between a papa and a younger girl?
Why not actually try it and see whether he’s really put off?
I think it depends on the guy.
Some like girls who are little seductresses and deliberately cute, while others prefer someone natural and not trying too hard.
You can figure out which type he is, right? Try things like light physical contact and see how he reacts.
I love the TV show “What’s Wrong with Being Cunning?” and watch it all the time. On the episodes with young actors, I agree with so much of what they say about liking this kind of deliberately cute girl. I don’t feel there’s that big a difference in how we see things, so why not make a move on him?
Most guys can’t say no when a girl comes on strong—and they’re usually happy about it.
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Maezawa from the CEO’s office here.
> I do get compliments on my looks in real-life dating, but I’m not actually popular.
If people compliment your appearance, there’s a good chance you are attractive to them. The reason it may not feel that way could simply be that men your age are more passive these days and don’t aggressively ask you out. You may be receiving subtle invitations without realizing it.
Also, perhaps it’s more common nowadays to start by casually grabbing a meal as friends, without the whole “date” concept. You hang out as friends, and before you know it, things develop—that sort of thing.
If so, the relationship may not progress unless you take the initiative and ask them out yourself.
Rather than worrying about what society expects, you may need to invite men you like out for meals and take the initiative in suggesting an adult relationship (intimate) yourself.
Of course, if you ask people out indiscriminately, you’ll only get rejected. So try studying how men in the Showa era used to ask women out and putting those methods into practice. You might be surprised by how well they work.
The fact that things go well with older men but not with men your own age may simply mean you’re overthinking it.
It probably won’t work exactly as-is, but with a few adjustments, I think it could work surprisingly well.
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I’m Mac, a male member.
When I look back on myself, my core hasn’t really changed since I was young. I’ve simply grown older, gotten used to things, and developed more skills. What I like hasn’t changed.
Even though I’ve always been a bit awkward, I’ve always enjoyed helping someone grow. So I imagine I’d be drawn to a young woman who patiently sticks with me through the trial and error—even when things don’t go perfectly—and who believes in me.
Try looking at young men as if you’re seeing the men they may become 20 or 30 years from now, and interact with them in a way that supports that future self. It’s like searching for a rough diamond who will one day become a wonderful papa (a male supporter).
When I work with women in their 50s or older, I make a point of imagining what they must have been like when they were young. You can still see traces of the young woman they once were in every grandmother. Once you do that, the way you interact with them naturally changes. The person asking the question simply needs to do the opposite.
Just as a grandmother may come to like a man who sees the young woman she used to be through her, young men may become captivated by a young woman who sees the successful man they could become through them. She’ll be their greatest source of support and comfort, and will help them stay positive and motivated to keep trying.
Women involved in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) are getting to observe that kind of role model firsthand. That should give them an advantage even when dating men their own age, compared with women who aren’t involved in papa-katsu. Be confident.
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Seattle here.
I’d love to be taken in by a little minx. Sounds fun.
As for what you want with men your own age, I think the little-minx act would work on young, passive men. It worked on me—I ended up marrying one and having a lot of money drained from me.
Even a young man will be an older guy in 20 years. Treat him the same way.
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I’m Taro, a male member.
I don’t think “You must be popular, right?” or “You’re good at dealing with men” are compliments aimed at you as a person. I think men say those things knowing that you’re just playing the role of a good papa-katsu girl, while keeping a certain distance. To put it bluntly, it’s all superficial. For someone who wants to build a genuine human connection, that can feel unsatisfying. If she’s reasonably attractive, good at H, and there aren’t any other options, I’d probably see her again, though.
As long as you’re acting out what you think will get a good response, the relationship is only something that exists on that stage. You should just be yourself.
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I’m Dai, a male member.
Not every older man likes women who act like little temptresses.
I feel most comfortable when we can be open and say what we really think, so I’m not good with women who put on that kind of teasing act. They give me the impression that they’re hiding their true feelings.
Whether I was younger or even now, if someone treated me that way, I’d honestly keep a bit of distance.
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