I’m a male member in my early 40s who joined a few months ago (I pay close attention to my appearance and grooming).
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I’ve made offers to several women so far.
Things haven’t progressed beyond the second meeting, so I’d be grateful for any advice on the mindset of female members and on how I should approach my future activities.
This has gotten quite long, but I’d appreciate it if you’d bear with me.
All of my offers have been Type C (women in their mid-20s or older, excluding students). The first meeting is dinner only (no intimacy), and things tend to stall when we try to arrange a second date over LINE.
Here’s a condensed version of the messages:
A:
She replied, “I look forward to getting to know you!” and we exchanged messages a few times → “I’m not feeling well, so could we wait a little before arranging a date?” → (a few weeks later) “I’ll contact you once I get my work schedule!” → (another few weeks later) “I’ve been busy and couldn’t get in touch. How about tomorrow?” → (Me) “That’s a little too last-minute… Please let me know another date that works for you.” → “I’ll check my schedule and contact you again!” → No reply after that. (If she wasn’t interested, why contact me in the first place?)
B:
(Me) “I’d love to spend time together again!” → “I’d definitely like that ♡ I’ll contact you once I know my work schedule!” → (After half a month without hearing back, I asked) “How does your schedule look?” → Left unread. (If she said she’d definitely like to meet again and would contact me, why say that?)
C:
(Just before the date we had arranged, she said) “I have to go back to my parents’ home for a while to care for my grandmother. I’ll contact you when I come back.” → I gave up… (Why leave me with a note saying she’d contact me?)
Looking back, during the first dinner, perhaps because I was trying to be gentlemanly or because I felt embarrassed, I didn’t know how to bring up the terms of the arrangement. I ended up having nothing but harmless small talk, like having lunch with a newly hired female employee and simply getting to know her as a person.
Incidentally, the other day, while I was at a coffee shop for a meeting, I happened to see a first meeting between a man over 50 and a woman under 25 at the next table (probably through a dating app). The older man clearly laid out what he was looking for. It felt quite condescending, but it made me think that the first meeting is supposed to be a time for discussing the terms, rather than just making small talk.
Maezawa from the CEO’s Office here.
As others have pointed out, I don’t understand why you would make an offer to a Type C woman and then only have dinner on the first day.
I’m sure the woman felt the same way.
Also, this part seems strange:
“We exchanged messages several times → I started feeling unwell, so let’s wait a while before arranging a date.”
Exchanged messages several times just to arrange a date? It makes me wonder what kind of back-and-forth was necessary—and what kind of exchange could have made the other person feel unwell.
> We only made harmless small talk, like having lunch with a new female employee and getting to know her personality.
Basically, I think that’s fine, but it’s also important whether the conversation is enjoyable.
And with a Type C woman, toward the end of the meal, you should discuss whether an adult relationship (intimate) would be possible afterward and the allowance she’s hoping for.
Even then, I think it’s best to keep things as simple as possible.
“Could you tell me how much allowance you’re hoping for?”
“¥〇〇,000.”
“Understood. Shall we go, then?”
Something along those lines should be fine.
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I’m columnist Fuu.
If you’ve chosen someone as a Type C, you need to discuss an adult relationship (intimate) and the allowance on the very first day. The female member has come prepared and fully aware of what to expect.
By not discussing it, you’re sending women home disappointed after they came expecting to receive a reasonable allowance, questioner.
There’s no need to take a condescending attitude when discussing the allowance, and the conversation over dinner is important. In a sense, the foreplay has already begun at dinner. Before the meal ends, discuss and agree on the future terms and allowance. If you haven’t agreed on the terms, she won’t know how much she’ll receive, and she probably won’t want to come a second time. Conversely, questioner, would you buy a product or service without knowing the price?
Even if you couldn’t bring it up, at the very least, discuss it on LINE before setting a date for the second meeting—for example, “Next time, would it be okay to go to a room, and how much allowance would you like?” or “Is there anything else you’d like?” Make sure you reach an agreement with the female member.
Please find the courage to confirm whether an adult relationship is possible and agree on the allowance once you’ve finished eating!
If you don’t want an adult relationship from the first day, please change the offer to Type B or Type A.
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I’m Date◎Yume, a male member.
I don’t get discouraged very often. Since I started out having my offers rejected, I think I’ve actually done pretty well.
It sounds like you’ve exchanged contact information, too, so sooner or later, a woman who says yes will come along. (笑)
When someone does accept, be grateful and treat the relationship with care.
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I’m a male member, Dai.
As many people have already pointed out, if you’re making offers to Type C women, the reason may be that you’re not inviting them to an adult relationship (intimate) on the first date.
Your dating style is more suited to Type B women. (That doesn’t necessarily mean things will go smoothly with every Type B woman, though.)
Based on the summaries of your LINE messages:
A-ko probably started finding it too much trouble while you were trying to arrange the date. I had a similar unpleasant experience when I first started online dating…
B-ko and C-ko may have exchanged contact information just for the time being (because they didn’t want to be asked, “Why did you turn me down?”), but they never intended to take things any further.
That’s the impression I get.
Also, the first meeting isn’t really the place to negotiate the terms of the arrangement. There should only be a very brief discussion of the terms.
Good luck!
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That’s because you’re offering a Type C arrangement but not inviting them to an adult relationship from the very first meeting.
If you only want dinner at first, I think it’s best to say so when you make the offer.
Alternatively, you could try dating Type B women in the same way. If you still lose five in a row, feel free to ask again.
Marika
P.S.
Also, you may come across as boring or overly concerned about saying the right thing. If I were the woman you were meeting, I might get frustrated wondering, “What is he trying to say or do?”
You may also seem lacking in confidence.
Being a gentleman isn’t just about gently asking women what they want. Maybe you come across as indecisive.
Hope this helps.
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I’m Nana Ayase ♡
Why didn’t you move on to an adult relationship after offering the questioner a C-type date?
The way you handled the date sounds like a B-type arrangement, doesn’t it?
C-type means she’s open to an adult relationship that same day. If that doesn’t happen, she may wonder, “Was I not good enough?”
Please read the details of the B and C types carefully.
Toward the end of the meal, ask something like, “Would you be comfortable continuing after this? Are you open to it? I’m thinking around ¥〇〇 for an adult relationship, about 〇 times a month.”
If you only want dinner on the first date, please offer a B-type arrangement from the start, and make future offers accordingly.
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I’m Tetsu, a male member.
Simply put, she probably found the conversation boring. With a Type C arrangement, she’s prepared for an adult relationship (intimate), so if the date ends with nothing but dull conversation, it feels like a waste of time. If the conversation is interesting, she may still be open to meeting again—but if she won’t see you again, that’s probably why.
I’ve also had dates with Type C women where we got so caught up in conversation that the first date ended without discussing an adult relationship. Even then, I always make sure to bring it up before we part.
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I’m a male member, “Paper Airplane.”
If you were able to keep in touch, I think you probably could have gone to a hotel on the first day.
Unless you start giving her the allowance for an adult relationship, she won’t feel much incentive to see you again.
She took the courage to choose Type C, so try to understand her main purpose as well.
Set aside your own desire to achieve your goal. You should almost feel obligated to give her the allowance for an adult relationship on the first day. Naturally, if you want things to progress to an adult relationship, you need to make sure she likes you. And by figuring out what she wants—not just focusing on the allowance or sex—I think you can build an ongoing relationship.
For a Type C woman:
- Give her the allowance for an adult relationship on the first day.
- For future communication, start by setting a date and time.
I think the appeal of a Type C offer is that both people can be upfront about the benefits the other person can receive.
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I’m Taro, a male member.
If she’s looking for an adult relationship (intimate), you need to seal the deal that same day. If you personally don’t want to proceed that day, explain that clearly, discuss the terms properly, and then part ways. As for the terms, you need to accept 100% of what the woman wants. Even after doing all that, I’d say the odds of seeing her again are probably only about 50–50.
I think women seeking an adult relationship are generally fine as long as the man doesn’t have any obvious deal-breakers. They’ve already made a level of commitment that would be unthinkable in ordinary dating. If you sit there hesitating and playing at romance in front of her, she’ll decide you’re a frustratingly slow man, and it’ll be over. If you’re not going to make it happen that day, then you shouldn’t negotiate the terms either. If she compromises on something during the negotiation, isn’t it only natural that she might go home, think it over calmly, and say, “Wait a minute…”
Even if it eventually develops into a good, romantic relationship, I think with this kind of arrangement, it starts with intimacy. It may actually feel awkward for both of you at first, but that’s the game you’re choosing to play. Understand that, and do your best.
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