I'm dating a boyfriend who's more than 20 years older than me. To him, I'm more like a mistress. We met through papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) and have been together for about three years.

When I hear my friends talk about their relationships, they tease each other about their partner's unattractive, embarrassing sides—like farting, smelly feet, or a belly with two rolls—saying things like, “You stink!” or “That's so gross!” while laughing. I find myself thinking that they're strong, and that I'm envious of them. Is this the difference between being a mistress and being a girlfriend? Could it be because of the age gap? I don't have the courage to show my unattractive sides in front of him, but I'm so envious of the trust and sense of security that comes from being with someone who won't stop loving you no matter what side of yourself you show them. Knowing that relationships with that kind of bond exist makes me feel lonely, as though it highlights just how shallow our relationship is. Is happiness as a mistress something fleeting? Is it wrong to hope for eternal love?