I’m a male member. A few months ago, I met a woman who is very much my type and with whom I have great physical chemistry, and we’ve been seeing each other regularly.
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I have a great time whenever we’re together, but when we’re apart, she feels rather distant and aloof.
(We only exchange the bare minimum of messages, her replies are always short and simple, and she never contacts me unless I reach out first, etc.)
I’d like us to occasionally have some casual, pointless conversations, so that we think about each other at least a little when we can’t meet. Am I expecting too much from her?
Also, would she be put off if I told her how I feel about this?
Maezawa from the president’s office here, answering as well.
Thank you for your question.
I feel like you may be expecting too much from her. There’s no way of knowing how deeply she’ll become involved.
If you have a great time whenever you meet, I think you should value that time.
It seems a little unrealistic to expect her to spend all her free time on you.
Personally, I think things are fine as they are. If you ask for too much, she may end up disliking you, and you could lose the enjoyable time you spend together.
If you really need more than that, I think you should look for another woman who will also keep in touch when you’re not together.
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I’m Flagmaker, a columnist.
If you truly want to treat the woman you’re seeing well, the quickest way is ultimately to move at her pace.
She’ll probably be put off if you say this outright, but the mindset that “I’m paying her an allowance, so I’m entitled to ask for things” usually ends in failure. Unfortunately.
Put simply, you have two choices: take your time, or look from the start for a woman who’s a good match for you.
The idea I value most is not “demanding” but “drawing things out.” That’s why I play the role of a man who’s “not quite satisfying.”
If you continue to be well-mannered, never push yourself, and never make demands, she’ll eventually start wondering, “This guy doesn’t ask anything of me—is he okay?”
Once she starts thinking that way, you can gradually get some of your own wishes accepted.
Being a bad guy takes time and perseverance, too.
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I’m Taro, a male member.
Maybe she switches between “on” and “off,” or maybe she’s simply very brief over LINE. If it’s the former, I’m afraid that may be disappointing news for you, but at this point, there’s no way to know which it is.
I’d suggest casually casting a line now and then—sending her something on LINE that might spark her interest—without being too persistent. Even if it doesn’t work, don’t get discouraged; just be patient. You might suddenly hit it off and get the conversation flowing. That said, I’d estimate the odds at only around 10–20%.
If you feel you’re compatible when you meet in person, I think you should value that connection. I wouldn’t recommend discussing how you should continue the relationship. It doesn’t seem like the kind of relationship worth maintaining if both of you have to make that much effort.
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I remember telling someone, “Sure, it’s fine—won’t I be bothering you?” only for him to start emailing me every night until it became really annoying.
If you don’t ask for frequent contact, I think your current relationship will continue. But if you do, it’ll either go the way you hope or she’ll find you annoying.
Want to give it a try?
That said, it seems less risky to follow Kazu’s approach: keep things as they are with your current partner while looking for someone else.
Marika
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I’m a male member, “Paper Airplane.”
Have you tried things like waiting about as long as she did before replying when a woman messages you back, keeping your message about half as long as hers—or no longer than hers at most—and preferably not contacting her first to see whether she reaches out within one or two weeks?
When you’re a woman, being able to communicate at your own pace lets you express yourself in your own way, with messages that vary in length and content. So I think it’s perfectly fine to experiment with how you communicate.
You might want to take another look at whether you’re replying immediately, or whether your messages are becoming longer than the woman’s.
Also, judging from your wording—and putting it rather bluntly—it doesn’t sound like the two of you have been a good match, even after several months.
Could it be that what you consider good compatibility is simply your own wishful thinking?
If the physical compatibility, comfort, and sense of being emotionally soothed were all good, I think she would express her happiness quite openly through LINE or email, as women often do. And if she’s the type who writes rather matter-of-fact messages, then the joy she shows when you meet would probably be all the more intense—which should make you happy too.
If the woman feels, as you do, that you really click—even if she doesn’t specifically think of it as compatibility, but simply sees you as much better than other men or as someone special as a papa-katsu partner—then…
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I’m Date◎Yume, a male member.
> She only contacts me when absolutely necessary, her replies are always brief, and if I don’t reach out first, she never contacts me, etc.
Communicating with younger women can be difficult, can’t it?
She may also be holding back, so I think it would be best to talk it over the next time you meet.
That said, she likely prefers a fairly detached relationship, so don’t expect too much. Take an honest look at yourself in the mirror and consider how the woman is evaluating you in relation to the amount of allowance you offer（笑).
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
I think you may be expecting too much. Some women simply don’t like LINE, while others may have decided to keep a clear boundary between themselves and their papa. I don’t think it’s a good idea to try to change the other person. If you start meeting more frequently or continue seeing each other, her attitude might change—but it might not.
Everyone will react differently when you bring this up, but a woman who’s that emotionally detached will probably be confused. That’s because what you see as detached is simply normal to her. If someone suddenly tells you to stop acting normally, all you can really do is feel confused.
That said, although it’s rare, you may come across a woman with whom you naturally click without any of that being an issue. That’s one of the interesting things about dating clubs.
Rather than trying to change your current partner, it can also be fun to make lots of offers and look for someone you genuinely click with. When you find that person, it’s incredibly rewarding.
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