I’m a 30-year-old female member. This is a long post, but I’d like some advice. We’re very close—he even rented an apartment for me (though it’s in his name, not mine), and we travel together once a month. I happened to see my papa’s phone… The notification sounds were so loud in the middle of the night that I picked up the phone to turn it over, and saw a notification from a contact named something like “○○—a girl’s name, 19, Osaka” saying, “Let’s meet next time when you’re not on your period♡” On the same night, there was also a notification from another girl who looked about college age, saying something like, “Thanks for the Van Cleef earrings the other day.” This happened around Christmas, before the state of emergency was declared, so he may have been meeting lots of girls at the time.
This content is machine-translated.
Even though this is papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), I was somehow deeply shocked and haven’t been able to recover. The reason is that my papa has always said things like, “I can’t deal with girls who are too young,” “Around 30 is the best age. You’re the easiest for me to be with. You don’t have another boyfriend, right? It’s fine for you to have dinner with a man one-on-one, but not someone your own age because they’ll hit on you. You and I are together.” He also used to get angry whenever men hit on me. In addition, he has a 22-year-old daughter and had said, “I could never be with someone around my daughter’s age.” So I thought, It was all a lie… A 19-year-old is even younger than his daughter…
Since this happened, I’ve increasingly found it hard to breathe and have trouble sleeping even when we meet about twice a week. I’m also worried about STIs, but more than that, he has started to seem like an unknowable person because he’s been lying to me.
He has told me, “Don’t get a boyfriend. I’ll know immediately if you do, and the moment you get one, I’ll break up with you!” Given how often we meet, I assume I’m probably his main partner. Still, I don’t feel good about the fact that the person who told me not to get a boyfriend is involved with multiple women. As painful as it is, I’m thinking about ending things with my papa immediately.
So I told him, “I saw notifications from other girls. I can’t be with someone who’s cheating,” but he played dumb and said, “I absolutely am not cheating. After we’ve been together this long, how can you be suspicious of me? I don’t understand why you’re talking about breaking up.” Since we’ve been together for more than three years, ending things may take a lot of energy.
I’m divorced myself and don’t want to get married, so being involved with a married man was convenient. But I still hate the idea of him seeing multiple women at the same time, so I want to break up. The problem is that he absolutely refuses to admit to the cheating, which is the reason I want to leave… Should I push through no matter what and block his calls? I’m in my late 20s, have more than enough money, and can move out of the apartment right away, so that part isn’t an issue.
Maezawa from the President’s Office will answer this one too.
Thank you for your question.
If you truly wanted to break up, I think you would have already done it without needing to ask. You’d suddenly leave, block them, and be done with it.
I suspect 99% of you wants to break up, but there’s still about 1% wondering, “Maybe I shouldn’t?”
So I’d like to focus on that remaining 1%—the part that thinks maybe you shouldn’t end things.
There are situations where someone cheats despite being married, causing problems. Some people choose to break up, while others don’t.
For those who stay together, it often becomes a matter of:
“I’ll forgive you this one time.”
Some men admit what they did and apologize, while others, like in this case, pretend nothing happened.
I do think they were cheating this time.
But if they insist they did nothing wrong, there’s also the option of going along with their act.
Still, if you want to do something about the feeling of being betrayed, you could have them buy you something worth around ¥1 million, for example.
“Even if it wasn’t cheating, I was hurt by the messages you were sending. I’ll forgive you this time if you buy me this—but there won’t be a next time.”
Something along those lines.
Even if they buy you something expensive, it may not truly make you feel better. But the fact that they’re willing to buy you something expensive is also proof that they still value you.
So I think accepting something to settle the matter is one option. It’s essentially compensation for the emotional damage.
Although, if it’s compensation, would cash work too?
Well, cash feels a little too blunt, so I think something expensive would still be better.
If they won’t buy you anything even after you ask, then they clearly don’t value you, and I think it’s perfectly fine to end things for good.
There’s no need to get angry. Just realize that this is the kind of person they are, and quietly start preparing to leave without them knowing.
They probably understand the reason already, so if you suddenly disappear and block them, they’ll get the message.
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I’m a male member, Paper Airplane.
Since this is papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), let’s keep things simple and move on quickly.
If this were a romantic relationship and you truly cared about each other, you wouldn’t be able to part so easily…
With papa-katsu, you can move on right away, and someone new will come along.
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I’m Taro, a male member.
As you said, you were probably his main partner. It was a mistake to leave notifications visible on his lock screen, but I do think he did his best by continuing to deny it even when the woman who saw them confronted him.
People have different views, but there are certainly those who believe you should never admit to cheating. Some even manage to get away with it by insisting, “Nothing happened,” when they’re caught in the act. You could argue that honestly admitting it, bowing your head, and begging for forgiveness is the more honorable approach, but that’s really just a matter of personal ideals from an outside perspective. From the man’s point of view, both approaches come down to desperately doing whatever it takes because he doesn’t want to lose someone important to him. In reality, I doubt the rate of repeat offenses is all that different afterward.
Since it sounds like your mind is already made up, I think you should end things this time. I don’t think you’ll reach an agreement through discussion. The man’s only wish is not to break up, and he’s clearly prepared to go to great lengths for that. Unless you give in, there’s no way the two of you can reach a compromise.
That said, looking ahead, I think you should take some time to sort out what you actually want. If you don’t want someone seeing multiple partners, you probably would have had better odds looking outside a dating club. If the person is married, isn’t it only natural to assume from the start that he’s capable of seeing multiple people at once? Didn’t you knowingly choose a difficult path?
One more thing: when you meet the next man you date, bring this up at an appropriate time. Tell him, “I used to see someone, but I realized through his phone notifications that he was seeing another girl, and it completely turned me off.” If you explain the situation more specifically, he’ll probably be more considerate and avoid making the same mistake.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
The answer was actually right there toward the end of the question:
“I don’t like the fact that he’s seeing multiple women at the same time after all, so I want to break up with him.”
The questioner answered her own question.
By the way, I think it’s perfectly normal for men at a dating club to see multiple women. However, as you said, it does seem unfair for men to be allowed to see several partners while women aren’t. I believe the allowance is what balances things out.
“I’ll see multiple women, but you can’t. In return, I’ll give you this much allowance, so promise me you won’t.”
That would be a fair arrangement, in my opinion. He should have been upfront from the beginning that he would be seeing multiple people. What a foolish man.
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