I’d like to hear the opinions of those with more experience. Sorry for the long post…
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I’ve been seeing a woman long-term for about a year. She looks extremely demure—though she told me from the start that she only pretends to be demure. We meet twice a month, under a monthly arrangement of 150,000 yen. We don’t meet that often, but I care about her a great deal, and I feel that she cares about me too.
She also has about two other supporters. She recently ended things with one of them, who was paying her 200,000 yen a month, and has been actively looking for someone new. She says having multiple supporters is a form of risk management, and that narrowing it down to one person and meeting them frequently makes the relationship feel like an obligation.
To find someone new, she has been going to paid social drinking events and registering with dating clubs. I get the impression that she quickly becomes involved in an adult relationship (intimate) with other men, and that those relationships end after a short time.
At first, our relationship was friendly but transactional. However, I eventually fell in love with her, and we grew closer. I don’t like the fact that she has multiple papas, but I decided to accept it and cherish her, and we’re still seeing each other. (She also has a boyfriend, but that doesn’t bother me at all. I think it’s healthy and a good thing.)
Recently, I was drinking with a friend from university, and I found out that she had registered with the dating club my friend belongs to. Seeing her in lingerie in the club’s studio, with her terms listed as 50,000 yen—less than what I pay—has honestly made me feel like I’m about to lose heart.
I also see several other women on a pay-per-meeting basis, and I’m exploring new connections for reasons like this. However, I understand how difficult it is to meet someone I can see long-term—that is, someone I can genuinely fall for—so part of me thinks I shouldn’t break things off. On the other hand, I also wonder if I’d be better off seeing someone who is more reserved. (She’s the type who quickly enters an adult relationship (intimate) even through papa-katsu apps.)
Sorry for the extremely long preface, but I have two questions:
① Would you continue seeing her under these circumstances? (I don’t feel betrayed because she has always been completely honest with me. I had been putting up with her having multiple supporters and looking for others elsewhere, but seeing her in lingerie and realizing that her terms are lower has really damaged my motivation. That said, I’m struggling because I’m very attracted to her, we get along well, and our intimate compatibility is excellent.)
② If you were to continue seeing her, would you talk to her about the current situation and tell her how you feel—that you want to deepen the relationship and still cherish her? I’m also considering telling her that I’d be willing to meet more often and increase her allowance as a way of showing her how much she means to me. (She used to say that twice a month was ideal, but recently she’s said she’d be open to meeting more often, so that may be one option. However, as a matter of principle, I wouldn’t tell her not to look for other people; I’d leave that decision up to her.)
Thank you in advance.
I’m Tetsu, a male member.
If it were me, I’d end the relationship. Once distrust starts to develop, that’s where things end for me. You can’t enjoy seeing someone while continuing to harbor doubts about them.
It’s pretty pathetic to lose heart just because the woman’s stated terms differ from your own. You both agreed to those terms, so if you’re unhappy with them, you should discuss it. And if you can’t, then simply end things.
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Maezawa from the CEO’s office here.
Thank you for your question.
If he’s giving you 150,000 yen twice a month, then even if another dating club lists him at 50,000 yen, they’re no threat at all. You’re bound to beat any men he finds there, so there’s no need to worry.
Besides, in Japan, if you want someone all to yourself, the standard system is marriage. As long as you’re not married, he’s free to do whatever he wants when he isn’t seeing you.
And since you’re offering a better allowance, you’ll definitely be able to keep seeing him as long as there’s nothing wrong with your personality—so what exactly is there to worry about?
Incidentally, I hear that at other dating clubs, the club sets the amount on its own, regardless of what the woman wants. Since it isn’t necessarily his own decision, I don’t think you need to worry about it.
> ① Would you continue seeing him under these circumstances?
I don’t see any particular problem, so I’d simply continue the relationship.
> ② If you do continue, would you explain the current situation and tell him how you feel—that you want a deeper relationship while still cherishing him?
I honestly can’t see what benefit there would be in bringing it up. If you’re doing it just to make yourself feel better, then you aren’t considering his feelings at all, so I think it would be better not to.
That said, I feel that increasing the number of meetings may be necessary for you. For example, suggesting that you meet four times a month for 300,000 yen seems reasonable.
Assuming it’s within your means, of course.
> However, I’m really struggling because we’re highly compatible physically and in terms of personality and appearance.
If you’re that compatible, I think you should value and cherish the relationship.
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I’m in Seattle.
If you like her, see her more often and increase the allowance.
If you’ve lost interest, end it. It’s that simple.
Just don’t mope or sulk—it’s incredibly unattractive in a man.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
1. I’d continue seeing her.
I don’t really understand what there is to be concerned about. Someone you’re genuinely compatible with is hard to find. I think it’s pointless to compare the value of your relationship with her to some newcomer’s relationship with her based solely on the size of the allowance.
As for her being in her underwear, if you see that boldness as part of why you’re compatible with her, it shouldn’t feel strange at all.
2. I’d talk to her about it.
I’m the type to openly discuss how much allowance I’d like, and, like you, I also talk about my partners’ allowances and the status of those relationships. So I’d bring it up as an extension of that. Specifically, I’d probably tell her that knowing about it has left me feeling unsettled.
The key is not to reduce it to something specific, like being concerned about the amount of the allowance, but to express the vague feeling that you haven’t quite been able to process what you’ve learned. This is a way of relying on her emotionally, so I’d also explain that I’m aware I’m walking a fine line and putting the relationship at risk by bringing it up.
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I’m Date◎Yume, a male member.
Reading your post, I got the impression that you’re in a similar arrangement to mine—one year, twice a month, on a monthly basis. The only difference is that, in my case, things with the other women didn’t continue, and I eventually left the dating club.
In this case, I think the woman’s attitude toward the arrangement may be different from mine. Is it for financial reasons? Does she want to see other men too? Does she want to keep some distance? Is she simply hedging her risks?
It might be worth talking things over a little. In my case, she asked me things like, “Would it be okay if I did paid drinking gigs, or worked at a hostess club, or re-registered with a dating club?” So I showed her that I was generous and said, “I wouldn’t particularly recommend it, but you can do whatever you want.” In the end, she didn’t do any of it（笑）
In my experience, things will probably settle down a little more with time, so it may be best to continue while watching how the situation develops.
Once a woman feels that she’s receiving stable financial support and is being valued, she tends to calm down too. That’s just how it goes（笑）
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I’m Flag Maker, a columnist.
At this point, it’s not really about the other person—it’s about you.
Is it really okay to waver after making up your mind? Why not have a little more confidence in yourself and stand your ground?
Once I make up my mind, I’m single-minded—or maybe just persistent—so I’ll keep waiting until the other guys drop out. And when it comes to someone I like, I’m an incredibly good person no matter what happens, so I’m confident I’ll be the one left standing.
It feels like I’m talking myself into it, haha.
I’ll stay in the picture no matter what! (crying)
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
I’m quitting.
If you want to be with someone you genuinely like—not just have a transactional relationship—then all the more reason to quit.
Actually, thinking you can meet someone twice a month and fall in love is just stupid.
If you’re going to develop feelings, expecting a long-term relationship while only meeting twice a month is stupid, stupid, stupid…
Don’t get your hopes up from the very beginning if meeting twice a month is your ideal. At that point, it’s nothing more than a transactional relationship.
> “Meeting too often makes it feel like an obligation.”
That’s just an excuse. They simply don’t want to see you that often.
You say you’re treating her well, but you’re not—not at all. Don’t just focus on the allowance; get closer to her emotionally.
If she’s been doing papa-katsu for that long, she must have plenty of worries, things she wants advice about, and hardships she’s been through. After all that, she might actually appreciate someone who listens to her far more than someone who just gives her an allowance. Forget your own self-satisfaction and think about what she truly needs and what would make her feel special.
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I’m Taro, a male member.
Honestly, I’ve been through something similar, so this really hits close to home（笑). And even though allowances are negotiated between individuals and market rates don’t really matter, it still stings when you realize you’re paying more（笑）.
Putting myself in your shoes, I’d keep going. I’d also make every effort mentioned in point ②. Rather than simply making a suggestion, I’d carefully explain all the subtle nuances you mentioned in your question and have a discussion aimed at finding a middle ground where both she and you can be happy.
That said, looking at it objectively—as someone not directly involved—I do think there’s a fairly good chance it may still not work out. She may not genuinely be looking for that kind of relationship in the first place. In that situation, turning around someone who can be physically open and respond reasonably well—even to quite a significant extent despite having no feelings—isn’t easy.
But still, you should keep trying. You’ve fallen for her, so what else can you do? When you’re together, give her as much affection as you can, while trying every approach you can think of without making her uncomfortable. The trick is knowing where to draw the line—and that’s where your years of experience should help. Deep down, though, don’t give up. That’s what being a man is all about.
Once you’ve truly lost interest, you won’t be able to perform anymore. When that happens, it’s time to move on. But until then, no matter how many times you lose, don’t drop your fighting stance.
Stay standing, Joe!
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