My wife and I haven’t been on good terms for years. We’re obviously no longer intimate. Everyone answering here seems to regard their wife or girlfriend as the most important person in their life, and no matter how many years they’ve been together, they still seem to have a good relationship. I can’t help thinking that truly wise people know how to protect what matters most.
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The more I try to get closer to my wife and improve our relationship, the more we end up arguing, and now we hardly speak at all.
I’ve seen opinions that the institution of marriage itself is the problem, and I find myself making excuses that perhaps things would have worked out if we had just been boyfriend and girlfriend. Does that mean there’s no hope for me? When I think about spending the rest of my life this way, I feel so empty and regretful that I could die with regrets.
Recently, things have also started to deteriorate with the much younger woman—two zodiac cycles apart—I had been seeing through this kind of arrangement for a long time. She no longer seems to be enjoying herself and doesn’t seem keen on meeting.
I would appreciate any advice on what you make a point of doing to build and maintain a good relationship with your partner.
I’m date◎yume, a male member.
> The closer we try to get in an effort to get along, the more we end up arguing.
> What do you keep in mind when trying to build a good relationship with the other person?
Even married couples are, at the end of the day, unrelated individuals.
I think it’s best to maintain a considerate attitude while avoiding too much interference and keeping a comfortable distance. Even thoughtfulness can provoke resistance when taken too far.
The same applies to relationships with women you’re dating: maintain an appropriate distance and show consideration.
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I’m Aizawa, Sub-Chief at Universe Club Tokyo, and I’ll answer as well.
I have a wife and daughter, and they both have me completely wrapped around their fingers. Whenever something happens, I basically apologize right away without talking back.
Even when I think, “Wait, was this really my fault?” I remind myself that this is just how my wife is, that I’m the one who chose her, and that she’s always cooking for us and taking care of our daughter. Then I apologize out of gratitude.
I guess it’s also about taking action...
I do the dishes alongside her while she’s cooking, quickly go comfort our daughter when she cries, and make a point of expressing my appreciation out loud in everyday life.
It may seem like I’m being overly careful, but when she’s in a good mood, I feel more comfortable too, so I do it for my own sake as well.
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I’m Flag Maker, a column writer.
This is just my personal impression, but women tend to value a man’s attitude and sincerity more than men do.
When things go wrong between you, are you neglecting the root cause? Do you apologize on your knees or write a pledge promising never to do the same thing again?
When women get emotional, they sometimes make unreasonable demands of men. But do you take those demands literally and say, “There’s no way I can do that”?
That’s not the point. Even if it’s something you can’t do, what matters is showing the attitude of, “I’ll do everything I can for you!” If you fail, you can always apologize again. The important thing is to convey that attitude and your willingness to make the effort.
We have our share of problems too, but every time, I swear with all my heart, “I love you so much that I’ll fix anything, and I’ll never make the same mistake again!” I get scolded for the same thing again, but each time I make that promise just as sincerely.
In other words, instead of focusing on the cause or the logic of the situation, you need to concentrate entirely on calming her emotions first. There’s absolutely no room for pride or stubbornness. It’s not about whether she misunderstood or got the wrong idea. At that point, the worst thing you’ve done is simply make her angry.
That approach has generally worked for me.
As for how to apologize, check out the manga <i>Shaman</i> by Itagaki-sensei for reference.
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I’m in Seattle.
*Familiar Wife* is really interesting, isn’t it? I know what you mean.
If the relationship can’t be repaired, just get divorced. It’s a waste of your precious time.
If you’re not compatible, I think it’s better for both of you to look for someone else.
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member whose wife sarcastically says, “Must be nice to sleep until noon,” and then mutters, “You got up right when things are busy—what a nuisance,” when I wake up early for a date.
Nothing turns into an argument faster than a conversation between spouses.
All I can do is show it through my actions rather than words.
Ever since our first child was born—when my wife got up every time the baby cried at night while I slept soundly through it all—it’s been difficult to erase the resentment she’s felt.
The only thing I can do is steadily keep making an effort, little by little, so that my wife can heal, even if only somewhat, from her desire for revenge.
Watching the current drama *My Dangerous Wife* and reflecting on my own behavior has really made me understand what’s going on.
It’s difficult to truly understand what the other person is feeling. Like the husband in *My Dangerous Wife*, I suppose all I can do is change my behavior.
I don’t know whether things work out in the drama, but I believe that someone who can cherish and care for the most important person in their life can also value the people around them and everyone else.
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I’m Taro, a male member.
Sometimes, the more you try to build this kind of relationship, the less smoothly things go. It’s best to keep your expectations as low as possible and just be yourself.
There’s one thing I always try to do: express positive feelings out loud whenever I can. Even simply saying “thank you” or “I’m happy” seems to make quite a difference over time.
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I’m Maezawa from the CEO’s Office, and I’ll answer your question.
Thank you for reaching out.
If things have recently stopped going well even with a long-term partner, perhaps relationships tend to fall apart once they continue for a long time.
I’m not sure what the problem is, but I think it might help to look for someone new and try approaching the relationship a little differently this time.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
Arguments happen when you try to force your opinions or wishes on someone. I think the key is to respect them as another person. Whether they’re your spouse or someone you’re dating, ultimately, they’re still a separate individual.
Specifically, I try not to interfere with what they do. If they ask for my opinion, I give it, and if they ask me to help, I help. That way, we don’t end up arguing.
Occasionally, someone will ask for my opinion and then get upset because it’s different from what they expected, or ask for help and become angry when the result isn’t exactly what they had in mind. That simply means we’re not compatible. Life is too short to try to bridge that gap, so I choose to spend time with people I’m compatible with.
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