The man I was introduced to here keeps saying he wants to come to my place, and I’m not sure what to do.
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He’s a really wonderful person, and I enjoy spending time with him, but whenever we’re on a date or talking on the phone, he talks as though our next date will naturally be at my place, which leaves me feeling a little uncomfortable.
I’ve always found it difficult to have people over at my home.
I’ve told him that, but he keeps insisting that he really wants to come, so I’ve left the matter undecided for now.
I’m worried that telling him clearly that I don’t want him to come will make him uncomfortable, so I don’t know how to put it.
Do people really want to come to someone’s home that badly?
I’d really appreciate any advice on how to turn him down tactfully.
Maezawa from the President’s Office here, answering as well.
Thank you for your question.
> I’m worried that clearly saying “I don’t want to” might make him uncomfortable, so I don’t know how to say it.
Even if you clearly tell him you don’t want to, he seems like the type who will keep insisting that he wants to go. So I think you should keep refusing repeatedly while maintaining a smile and being as polite as possible, saying something like:
“I really don’t want to. I don’t let anyone into my home, so even my past boyfriends have never been inside.”
In the end, you could also say—prepared for the possibility of ending things:
“If you keep pushing this, I’ll have to end our relationship. Are you okay with that?”
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I’m Flagmaker, a column writer.
These days, my wife’s obsession with cleanliness has rubbed off on me, so I can’t imagine letting a stranger come into our living room in their everyday clothes. Just thinking about how much cleaning I’d have to do afterward is exhausting.
I’d also have to remember every surface they touched and everywhere they walked. I absolutely hate the idea.
Would “I can’t because I’m a germaphobe” not be acceptable?
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I’m Tetsu, a male member.
There’s no need to agonize over it. Just politely but firmly say no. If you’re vague, some men will cling to the faint hope that, even after being turned down repeatedly, they might eventually get a yes if they keep asking.
Something like, “I value my time alone, and my home is my personal space, so I absolutely don’t want anyone else coming in,” should be fine.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
I completely understand how you feel. I don’t want strangers coming into my home either.
Maybe it feels good to think that she’ll allow something she dislikes only with you—but that’s no different from being the creepy guy who keeps asking for anal sex even though she’s clearly uncomfortable with it. It’s gross.
If it seems like what you want isn’t welcome, I think you should wait until the other person is comfortable saying yes. If someone won’t take no for an answer, the only option may be to make your refusal increasingly clear so they understand how strongly you feel.
Telling a man outright that you don’t like something might make him uncomfortable, but if he still doesn’t get it after you’ve shown several times that you’re unwilling, I think you have no choice but to say it clearly.
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I’m in Seattle.
Even with someone I’ve been seeing for seven years, I’ve never been inside his home. I’ve driven him home from the airport after trips before, though.
Maybe she wants to know his personal information so he can’t easily cut her off.
Find a backup person quickly, and cut ties with anyone who seems strange.
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