【How should I cope if my beloved papa has other women?】
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Hello everyone. I always enjoy reading this site. This will be a long post, but please hear me out. I currently have a papa (a male supporter) I’ve been seeing through a dating club for two years. He was the type who was extremely popular with women when he was younger.
For the past eight months or so, he has been saying, “I can’t believe how deeply I’ve fallen for you,” and we’ve genuinely become a very loving couple—not just in words. My monthly allowance has increased, we contact each other every day, he gets angry if I don’t answer the phone, and I accompany him on his monthly business trips to meet people he knows there. We’ve been seeing each other more and more often, and he even gave me an expensive watch for my birthday. He’s also planning to sign a lease on an apartment for me next week.
He also worries a lot about whether I have a papa or boyfriend, and he’s very possessive. He repeatedly told me, “I’m not seeing any other girls either.” I was happy that he felt that way, so although I do have a long-distance boyfriend, I tried to accommodate my papa’s schedule as much as possible. I thought that was the sincere thing to do.
But yesterday, I found out that he has two other women on monthly arrangements (lol). Apparently, he was still seeing women he had introduced to me in the past. On top of that, around the same time his feelings for me intensified, he was also getting very close to a Minato Ward girl who works at a lounge. His energy is incredible (lol).
The reason I found out about the overlapping relationships is that my papa gave me his phone passcode. Sometimes he hands me his phone so I can buy things at convenience stores and such. Yesterday, while I was shopping alone with his phone, I happened to see a LINE message from another girl. I can’t exactly admit that I was tempted and opened it, of course.
From the messages between him and the women, it seemed that after two years together, I’m currently “provisionally number one.” I have the highest monthly allowance, the most frequent contact, and the closest relationship, but it feels like some pay-per-meeting newcomers have been moving in over the past six months.
For example, I spend around ten days a month with him, while he sees a newcomer once every two weeks. My relationship with him has, for better or worse, become like that of a long-married couple—we argue, and he treats me rather casually. The restaurants we go to are ramen places that he likes, whereas with the newcomer, he takes her for sushi and expensive yakiniku whenever she asks (lol). Even the wording of his LINE messages made me think, “He’s really trying to look cool.”
He hasn’t taken the newcomer traveling yet, unlike me, but he did message her, “I’d like to go someday.” She seemed to vaguely dodge the idea, though. He also bought her an accessory worth about half the price of the presents he gives me after she asked for it. I mean…he really does want to be popular with women, doesn’t he? (lol)
I understand this situation, of course, since we met through a dating club. But if anything, I wish he had simply told me he was seeing other women. Being lied to and controlled, while I devote more than ten days a month to him, only to be treated more and more casually…it overwhelmed me with a strangely painful feeling. Now I’m even worried about letting him rent an apartment for me.
His explanation is: “You and I have been together for this long. Our sex keeps getting better. I devote so much time and money to you because I want us to stay together for a long time. I don’t think of us as having met through a dating club—we just happened to meet there. You’re my girlfriend. There’s no way I’d cheat on you, and I’m doing this much for you, so you don’t need to feel insecure.”
Even so, given the risk of being abandoned, I don’t really want him to cover my rent while he’s seeing so many other women. But we’re already at the stage of signing the contract, and if I refuse, the atmosphere becomes as though I don’t love him enough. He’s making it feel like there’s no room for me to say no.
I’m sorry—I can’t seem to organize my thoughts. In a situation like this, should I try to tone down my feelings for my papa and shift to a more detached, rational way of seeing him? Should I decline the apartment as well?
I understand why a papa who is deeply invested in his main partner would still continue seeking out new women. But even when a cute newcomer appears, why does he refuse to let go of me—in fact, why does he go so far as to rent me an apartment and try to keep me completely tied to him? Whenever there’s even a hint of another man in my life, he does everything he can to stop it. If I don’t answer the phone at night, he calls repeatedly, so even occasionally seeing my boyfriend makes me nervous. It doesn’t seem like he treats his other papa-katsu partners this way.
I really don’t understand what my papa is thinking anymore. Or perhaps he isn’t thinking at all. To put it harshly, he’s taking me completely for granted, isn’t he? If so, why is he so possessive? Being controlled like this only causes me more pain. But he wants us to have such an intensely close relationship.
I’d really appreciate everyone’s advice on how to handle this going forward and how I should manage my feelings. Thank you for reading such a long post all the way to the end.
Maezawa from Shacho-shitsu here.
Thank you for your question.
I have no doubt that you’re still his number one right now. However, that man is simply always looking to see if there’s an even better woman out there.
You’re currently in first place, but if someone better comes along, you’ll move into second place. That’s all it means.
And because you’re number one at the moment, I think he’s doing various things for you. One reason you’re his top choice may be that you’ve been willing to accommodate his possessiveness.
It’s not that he’s taking you for granted. I think it’s better to understand that this is basically how these relationships work.
Now that you know what’s going on, why not start loosening the restrictions you’ve been putting up with until now?
You’ve probably been doing your best to accommodate his possessiveness, but from now on, I think you should gradually and subtly steer things toward being less controlled.
That may lower his evaluation of you somewhat, since you’ll no longer be accommodating his possessiveness. But you might still remain number one.
Even if you drop to second place or lower, I think the relationship will continue. In the meantime, you should also start seeing other good men.
The more men you date, the less bothered you’ll likely feel about him seeing multiple women.
In Japan, there’s a system where people marry the person they truly want to spend their life with. Since you haven’t reached marriage, I think it’s best to be as accepting of him as possible.
> Should I hold back my feelings for my papa (a male supporter) a little and shift toward seeing him more calmly?
I think so.
Since you had both agreed that neither of you was seeing anyone else, you probably feel as though you’ve just discovered that your partner was cheating.
For now, try to put yourself emotionally above him. If you’d rather have sushi than ramen, have him take you out for sushi. It may be okay to make him cater to you to the point where you don’t care whether he has other women.
That said, making him cater to you is different from treating him carelessly. Think about how you can get him to spend as much money on you as possible without making him feel uncomfortable.
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I’m Flag Maker, a column writer.
papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) is about carrying those worries with you while still having confidence in yourself and living boldly. There’s no fundamental way to eliminate that anxiety.
Just be confident and hold your head high. That papa (a male supporter) already recognizes your good qualities, doesn’t he?
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I’m Date◎Yume, a male member.
> I don’t understand what my papa is thinking.
I think he’s pursuing both relationships energetically at the same time.
He must be quite a capable papa.
That’s what you’d expect from a “dating club member.”
I’d like to become like that too (tears).
I think it’s best to date while maintaining enough emotional, physical, and financial leeway.
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I’m Basil, a male member.
You have a boyfriend you’re seeing on the side without telling anyone too, don’t you? In club activities, it’s only natural in a sense to see other girls as well, and I don’t go around telling every woman about it.
It’s like, “You’re not being shortchanged on your allowance or anything, so what are you complaining about just because the restaurant’s a little less upscale?” Eating French cuisine or sushi every day would just be exhausting.
If the time commitment and possessiveness are too much, and you feel the arrangement isn’t worth it—including emotionally, then why not just end it on your own?
Find an ideal man who can become your current number one—or even closer than a long-married couple. Just be careful not to demand too much and end up losing everything.
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It’s Seattle.
If the allowance is that generous, and he’s your number one, isn’t that a good thing? Take what you can get. Money matters, and finding someone to replace him would be difficult.
If he’s a popular guy, that situation is probably normal. Just pretend you don’t know. You have a boyfriend anyway.
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I’m Hikouki, a male member.
Even though you met through a dating club, he’s acting as if you owe him something.
It sounds like this relationship isn’t comfortable for you either—you’re simply putting up with it.
Because neither of you feels truly secure or trusts the other, you ended up checking his LINE messages that closely…
Neither of you has confidence in the other, and you’re both trapped in a relationship full of suspicion and doubt.
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I’m Taro, a male member.
Smart women don’t go through a man’s phone. But you did, huh? (laughs) I understand why seeing behind the scenes shook you up, but after reading the entire long message, I didn’t find anything surprising. As a man, my reaction was basically, “That’s just how men are. Period.”
I don’t think he was lying when he said those things. Just as you saw, you’re currently in the provisional No. 1 spot. If anything, I’m more curious about what happened to him eight months ago. Maybe he made some extra money and expanded his roster, or perhaps there was another No. 1 girl who left him, and he’s now holding a major audition to fill that gap. If that’s the case, you’re the front-runner—you’re currently in first place.
It’s generally true that people stop feeding a fish once they’ve caught it, but I don’t think he’s treating you carelessly. In a sense, he feels secure with you, and you’ve become someone he can truly let his guard down around. That’s why he gave you his phone passcode. It was incredibly foolish of him, but if he gave it to you while anticipating that you might actually use it, then he may be quite the strategist.
You two have developed a deep relationship in many ways, and I think you’ve reached the stage where your mettle as the “old wife” is being tested. Rather than taking a passive stance—wanting him to do something or complaining that he won’t—try to take a broader view of the situation. I know several people like this, and I think the wives of business owners who constantly cheat are all more or less the same. If he strays a little but ultimately comes back to you, isn’t that enough? If you want him to express his affection, you can guide things skillfully and get him to say it himself. After all, you’re currently in first place.
Don’t stay passive. Step up to a higher vantage point, look at the situation objectively, and take control. This is a game you can win.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
I’m starting to feel that there aren’t many decent men who are overly possessive. If a man can support a woman so thoroughly that she would never have to worry financially for the rest of her life, then maybe he has the right to be possessive. But I can’t understand the mindset of telling her not to get a boyfriend when he’s in no position to do that. You might be able to say that to a sex doll, but women are human beings with lives of their own.
That said, the questioner had a boyfriend whom she was keeping secret from her papa, didn’t she? I thought maybe they were both liars cut from the same cloth. I also can’t understand the questioner’s mindset of getting angry about his lie when she was lying too.
If you still want the allowance, continue the arrangement. If you’re so angry that you feel you don’t need the allowance anymore, say goodbye. That’s all I can say as a third party.
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I’m Marika.
It’s less about how the man feels about you and more about whether, now that you know, you can accept it and continue seeing him.
He wants to keep things as they are with you while also meeting another girl.
Still, you must have gone through his phone pretty thoroughly to figure all that out.
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