How should I deal with a foreign papa (a male supporter)?
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The other day, I sent a foreign papa I hadn’t seen in about a month my schedule for the week, when I was available to meet. A few days later, he contacted me by email and chat, asking if I could meet that evening. I replied yes and sent him the times I was available, and we exchanged several messages about the schedule. We had roughly settled on a time, but just as it was getting close, he asked, “How about tomorrow? I can’t make it today,” and in the end, we didn’t meet.
The same thing had happened before, so I asked him why. Apparently, he had contacted several girls at the same time to find out who could fit his schedule, then chose whom to meet based on everyone’s availability and how quickly they replied. He said he hadn’t contacted me with the intention of making plans with me specifically. He simply wanted to find out whether I could accommodate his schedule, then decide whom to meet based on everyone’s circumstances and response times.
It seems he chose someone who was able to respond to his request more quickly than I was. But if he was going to decide based on who replied first, I thought he should have just chosen the fastest responder from the beginning. Why did he spend an hour and a half coordinating the schedule with me? I told him that he had simply wasted my time.
He completely ignored that question and replied coldly, “I don’t know how much those few exchanges wasted your time, but if you don’t want me to contact you, I won’t contact you at all.”
Even though ours is a transactional relationship, getting ready to meet and translating messages into his language both take time, so I felt really hurt and carelessly treated.
All the other papas I’ve met through the club have been Japanese, and I’m used to people being considerate of each other’s feelings. For a moment, I wondered whether I was being too narrow-minded and overreacting in this situation, but now I don’t know what to do. What do the members here think? Should I stop having anything to do with him?
Maezawa from the CEO’s Office here.
Thank you for your question.
I sometimes feel that Japanese people may be the most sensitive in the world, to the point that their way of thinking differs greatly from that of people overseas.
For example, when you ask someone to create a program, a Japanese person will usually fill in the gaps and complete it based on what they think you meant when you say, “Make it something like this.”
But someone from another country may only create exactly what you specified. Then you end up wondering, “Wait, where did the ‘something like this’ part go?” They’ll say, “I couldn’t create the parts you didn’t mention.” And the result turns out completely different from what you expected.
But when I looked into it, apparently Japanese people are the only ones in the world who can communicate this way. In most other countries, it’s considered perfectly normal that people won’t do anything beyond what they were explicitly told.
I’ve gone a little off track, but I think it’s important to recognize that Japanese and overseas cultures are different.
Now that you know the reason this happened, I think you should reply within seconds from now on. Send just a YES or NO first, then add the details afterward.
Also, when dealing with foreigners, you should ask lots of questions. In Japan, there’s a culture of reading the atmosphere and wondering whether it’s okay to ask something, but that probably isn’t the case overseas.
So I think you should keep asking questions and figure out how to increase the chances of meeting them. Women who date foreigners are probably the type who ask lots of questions.
However, if you find that difficult, I think it would be better not to date anyone other than Japanese people.
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I’m Tetsu, a male member.
Regardless of whether he’s a foreigner or not, isn’t that a transactional relationship? If he’s good-looking or offers a generous allowance, I guess you just have to put up with it—but otherwise, what does that say about him as a person?
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I’m Hikōki, a male member.
Aren’t you becoming the person who meets him anyway, despite everything?
You probably realize that you’re low on his list of priorities, too.
He simply meets the people he wants to see first. You have two choices: accept that reality or walk away.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
Some people have that kind of mindset and approach. They’re probably looking for women who will stick around even if they’re treated carelessly.
Whether you want to get involved is up to you. If you’re willing to accept it, you can continue as things are. If not, just tell him not to contact you anymore.
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I’m in Seattle.
It may not be because he’s a foreigner so much as because he’s just an arrogant, condescending person. Let’s ignore him.
Although if he were offering a million yen, I’d have to reply at lightning speed.
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