I’m a female member, Type B.
I’d like some advice about what time to end my dates with my male supporters.
When arranging our next date, I generally work around the dates they suggest. However, if I have work the following day, I tell them in advance what time I’d like to leave, and we make plans on the understanding that the time works for them as well.
However, they still either let the date run past the agreed time or try to turn it into an overnight stay.
I make sure to set aside around five hours for the date, so I don’t think the time is particularly short. Also, this doesn’t happen every time—when I have the following day off, I stay with them until they’re satisfied.
In this situation, what would be an effective way to make sure they respect the agreed end time without offending them?
I’d really appreciate any advice.
This is Joe.
First of all, I owe you an apology. I’m sorry.
Joe’s watch is broken—even though it was fairly expensive.
My record for the longest continuous time spent together is 96 hours. I know I shouldn’t say this myself, but even I’m amazed we managed to stay together that long. I was out of my mind.
The euros I spent over those 96 hours would have been enough, converted into yen at the exchange rate back then, to buy a lower-end BMW. That works out to ¥30,000 an hour. Since that’s about what the clubs around here charge, it’s hardly an excuse.
I’d like to believe my companion enjoyed it too, but I can’t confirm that now—and I don’t want to.
The only thing in your question that caught my attention was the phrase “I hope I haven’t offended you.” Joe doesn’t think you need to worry about that at all. Though in my case, I have a rather troublesome kink: being scolded makes me happy. So please be careful!
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I’m Flagmaker, a columnist.
This doesn’t really sound like the usual kind of back-and-forth you’d expect from a dating club.
Is the issue that it’s unclear whether you’re going to a second location or a hotel—in other words, whether anything is actually going to happen? Rather than refusing to stay out for a long time, wouldn’t it be fine to plan things so you wrap up in time to catch the last train?
Even if nothing happens, once things are over, the man should naturally enter his “sage mode.”
If that doesn’t work, you might try a child-rearing approach.
Before going to the park, make sure you get down to their eye level and say firmly, “We’re going home at [time] today, okay? No being selfish.” Then, when it’s time to leave and they start throwing a tantrum, get down to their eye level again and say, “We agreed before coming to the park that we’d leave at [time], remember? You mustn’t be selfish, okay?” If they still keep fussing, offer a condition: “I’ll make an exception and give you ten more minutes.”
It’s also good practice for raising children, so give it a try.
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Maezawa from the CEO’s Office here with an answer as well.
Thank you for your question.
> What’s the most effective way to make sure we stick to the agreed end time without upsetting the man?
I think it’s difficult to get him to respect the end time unless you’re firm about it. He may be upset, but I think you just have to accept that as unavoidable.
The issue is finding a compromise between two opposing situations:
- The man wants to stay overnight every time.
- The woman wants to leave early because she has work the next day.
Since the man feels that, because he’s paying an allowance, his wishes should take priority, simply saying it casually probably won’t change the situation.
Specifically, when making plans, say something like:
“Since I have work the next day, we’ll need to wrap things up at 11 p.m. Is that okay?”
Then remind him on the day:
“Sorry, but we’ll be wrapping up at 11 tonight.”
When 11 p.m. comes, say:
“I’m sorry, but it’s time for me to go home.”
And actually leave. Even if he tries to stop you, leave.
If you consistently do that, I think things will gradually change.
He may complain at first, but it’s best to deal with it as if a child is throwing a tantrum. Honestly, he’s acting like a child, so no matter what he says, it may help to think, “That’s just something a child would say.”
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I’m Tetsu, a male member.
That sounds like the old-fashioned strategy of dragging out the date until she misses the last train, then turning it into an all-night date (lol).
If the date duration follows the club’s rules and you’ve already told him in advance that you can’t stay out too late, you’re perfectly entitled to tell him when it’s time and leave. If a man gets upset about that, he simply isn’t very mature.
You could even give him a heads-up about ten minutes beforehand, like, “I’ll need to leave soon.” You don’t need to worry about the feelings of a man who can’t keep his promises.
Even if dating someone who doesn’t understand Japanese seems fine at first, over time you’ll just end up being pushed around—because, after all, “Nihongo wakaranai” (“I don’t understand Japanese”).
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I’m Gaku, a male member who prefers spending longer stretches of time together once we’ve gotten comfortable with each other.
Usually, I try to wrap things up after about four hours, but if the woman says she’s still okay, I’ll extend our time together.
Only about one woman in ten is someone I can spend a long time with without feeling stressed, so I’m grateful for my current monthly arrangement partner.
I feel like we’ve discussed and confirmed everything properly, but maybe she actually feels the way you do.
I’d like to have another honest conversation with her.
Ah—
As for my answer, I still think the best thing is to face each other and talk it through.
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Seattle.
Drop that idiot who can’t even read a clock.
Four hours is plenty for a date.
P.S.
Joe, you made me laugh. Expensive is fine.
It’s also nice that Mari gave you a hard time.
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You sound like you’re feeling a little stressed.
I’m Papercraft, a male club member, and lately I’ve been hearing more and more women from the club say they’re feeling stressed when they come to me for advice.
If I were in your position, I’d think it would be better to end things if seeing him is causing you stress…
Once you’ve been a member for about six months, the number of offers naturally settles down compared with when you first joined. (I know I’m being foolish by meeting men who contact me just because they want someone to listen to their complaints…) Still, I can’t help thinking, “Come on, men in these arrangements—try to consider the woman’s perspective a little more!”
If the man you’re seeing regularly goes over the agreed time, that means he can’t even be considerate about something that’s easy to understand and follow—the most obvious rule there is.
So I feel that, going forward, you may continue to experience stress over less obvious matters and all kinds of other things.
As for time, the proper etiquette is for the man to say, “It’s about time for you to head home, right?” and let the woman leave earlier than the time she was expecting to stay until, with her saying, “I’m still okay!”
I’m sure you can meet a man who won’t cause you stress.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
If you want to get your point across without offending her as much as possible, I think your only options are to leave at the agreed-upon time—or even earlier—or to give yourself some leeway when stating the time.
Leaving at the agreed-upon time means not creating a pattern where she gets used to you accepting it when she runs over. The more often you let the time go over, the harder it becomes to get her to keep her promises.
Giving yourself some leeway means, for example, saying you need to leave at 10 p.m. when you actually want to leave at 11. That way, even if she manages to keep you for another hour, you can still leave as planned.
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