I can’t help but wonder if this is how much I’m worth, based on the number of offers I get, the allowance I receive, the men’s profiles, the quality of the love hotels they choose, and so on. (I’m still too scared to ask what rank I’m in.)
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Especially when I’m unhappy with a man’s profile or choice of hotel, thoughts like “Well, that’s all I’m worth…” cross my mind. Then, suddenly, I feel like I have very little value—not only because of him, but also because of the fact that he likes me (even if that affection is only temporary or just for the moment). I end up hating myself and feeling miserable.
I also go out of my way to look up other women who are active on social media, compare myself with the average and with girls who are prettier than me, and end up swinging between happiness and despair.
I’m no longer young, so I feel like I shouldn’t have time to worry about things like this. But that only makes me more anxious. I’m sorry for asking such a question. I know it may seem laughable to try to satisfy my need for validation through a dating club.
I really envy the people who answer here. They seem able to enjoy their activities at dating clubs freely, without being trapped by anything.
How can I enjoy my time at a dating club too? Should I just quit…?
I’m Meg, one of the female members.
In the end, it’s just a bit of fun.
Some games, like cards, are exciting because there’s a winner and a loser… but this isn’t really that kind of competition, is it?
If comparing yourself to others makes it enjoyable, then by all means—but I have moments when I end up hating myself, too.
It actually made me wonder whether there’s anyone who isn’t tied down by anything at all…
Maybe you’ve reached the “miss one turn” space on the board game of life.
Please don’t push yourself too hard.
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I’m Maezawa from the president’s office, and I’ll answer too.
> How can I have fun participating in a dating club as well?
Becoming one of the Q&A respondents might change things for you.
The fact that you asked a question here may be a sign. Why not apply to become a respondent?
Apply here:
https://universe-club.jp/help/apply/
As for the allowance you receive, I think it’s best to state your expectations yourself. If the other person decides to pass because of that, then so be it. You can wait until you meet a man who is willing to meet your expectations.
It really depends on how you look at it. If it bothers you, you can simply refuse until you find an offer you’re satisfied with.
(Of course, you can accept someone who agrees to your desired amount.)
Even if people call it “dating-type fraud,” your expectations are still your expectations. It isn’t fraud. You might as well adjust things so that you’re satisfied and won’t regret anything.
> How can I have fun participating in a dating club as well?
Try changing your perspective and making yourself play the role of someone measuring the other person’s specs.
Measure their length and diameter, along with their age, height, and weight, and record how much allowance they gave you. You could even make a three-dimensional mold of them.
(I feel like kits for that used to be sold somewhere...)
If you keep collecting that kind of detailed data every time, eventually you’ll have a valuable dataset that only you possess.
You’ll become one of the few researchers in the world specializing in it.
Throughout the process, your main concern will simply be the other person’s specs. You may stop caring about the allowance or the location. Before long, the number of data points might become more important than the allowance, and you may even start thinking that any amount is fine.
It may be a little difficult, but once you fully commit to the role, you might find that other things stop bothering you.
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I’m Date◎Yume, a male member.
> I find myself wondering whether the number of offers I receive, the allowances I’m given, the other person’s profile, and even the quality of the love hotels they choose reflect my worth.
It’s hard to make a blanket statement, but broadly speaking, I think that’s probably right.
That said, when you consider that there are women who don’t receive any offers at all, isn’t being somewhere in the middle good enough?
> How can I enjoy my time at the dating club, too?
Go back to why you joined in the first place.
If reality is drastically different from what you imagined your experience would be like when you joined, it might be better to quit. But I also think it’s perfectly possible to accept reality and find ways to enjoy yourself from there.
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Universe Tokyo, Mamiya here.
I think you’re actually very fortunate. You’re thinking this way because that’s what you want—and when you keep thinking that way, it becomes your reality.
This may sound a little abstract, but to put it plainly: you enjoy feeling self-loathing, seeking validation through the dating club, and then worrying about yourself for doing so!
You’re probably bored, too. If there’s something you envy, take action and do something about it.
That said, there are times when you simply can’t bring yourself to enjoy things, so I don’t think you need to force yourself to get motivated. When you’re feeling especially sensitive, it may also help to get plenty of sunlight.
Please accept yourself by saying, “It’s okay to be this way.” Once you do, you’ll start to see the real light, too.
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I’m Flagmaker, a column writer.
When I read your question, I didn’t think it was laughable at all.
I think it’s a perfectly normal way to feel. If anything, you’re able to look at yourself objectively, which I find more endearing than people who hide their need for validation or pretend they have no problems just to save face.
I’m basically made up of validation-seeking. That’s why I answer questions here, check how many likes I get, and keep tabs on my column’s views.
I want to somehow hide how desperate for validation I am, but I still haven’t managed it... It always leaks out somehow, and then I end up hating myself for it.
I question myself and reflect, but then my sexual urges bubble up again and I’m back to square one, endlessly going around in this pointless cycle.
Maybe I’m here because I want the illusion of having my need for validation fulfilled. Even when I feel like it’s been satisfied, the next morning I’m back at zero again, lol.
I’m trying hard not to feel so sad, but life is kind of sad, isn’t it? Looks like I’m about to start questioning myself all over again, lol.
When I feel like this, I listen to music that matches my mood. Music is about the only thing that can comfort me. Right now, I’m in the mood for THA BLUE HERB.
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I’m Tetsu, a male member.
After reading your question, I get the feeling that you may already be enjoying the club in a way that differs from the idealized image you had in mind.
You’re deliberately taking the time and effort to look into other people’s experiences and compare them with your own in an attempt to satisfy your need for validation, aren’t you? You wouldn’t spend that time unless you were getting some enjoyment out of it. If you truly found researching other people’s experiences unpleasant, you probably wouldn’t keep doing it.
There’s nothing embarrassing or wrong about fulfilling your need for validation through club activities. Most people here are participating to satisfy some kind of desire—whether it’s for food, money, material possessions, or intimacy. So I hope you find a papa (a male supporter) who can fulfill your need for validation. Once you do, I think you’ll stop comparing yourself to others.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
When it comes to choosing hotels, I regularly use a hotel that costs over ¥20,000 a night simply because I like it—whether my partner is Gold or Black. I don’t change hotels depending on who I’m with. I also know people with far more assets than I have who always use love hotels. In other words, that’s all hotel choice comes down to. Everyone has different preferences and habits, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with a man’s assets or your own appeal. To me, changing the hotel’s level depending on the partner seems petty and rather unmanly.
The same goes for allowances. This is something I learned from the more experienced members who have answered questions here, but I always give 5, including transportation costs. It doesn’t change whether someone is Gold, Platinum, or Black. I’ve never offered to someone Standard, but I probably wouldn’t change it for Standard either. That said, I do add extra when someone comes from far away or gives me a particularly special experience.
I don’t think there’s any point in letting things like that make you happy or upset, but perhaps that’s what the other respondent meant by “not being bound by anything.” I don’t know how to stop being attached to it, but I feel you might become a little less fixated if you stopped looking at the amount of the allowance. You could say, “Please put in whatever amount you feel is appropriate,” then save the envelopes without looking inside. After a few months, you’ll probably forget who gave you which envelope, so you could deposit them all into your bank account at once.
Come to think of it, there was someone who told me to accept whatever amount I felt was appropriate, without agreeing on a specific figure, and spent time with me without checking the contents of the envelope. We even showered together, so she had sex with a man she had just met and went home without ever knowing how much the allowance was. The sex was good, too. It was incredible—I was genuinely impressed.
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I’m Saito, a columnist♪
Since everyone has already given such thoughtful answers, I’ll offer a different perspective.
A long time ago, I was registered with a marriage agency for about three years. Every woman I met there had some kind of flaw, and I found myself thinking, “Ah, so this is why they can’t get married. These are the kinds of problem cases who register with marriage agencies.”
Putting myself completely aside, I eventually married someone I hadn’t been introduced to through the agency at all. That’s what this reminded me of.
When you become too fixated on something, it can start to feel a little strange. So I think it’s best to treat it as something that simply fills a small gap in everyday life, not overthink it, and quit quickly if you don’t like it.
Some women pursue youth a little too desperately, as if they were trying to become “beautiful witches,” but in the end, they’re still witches. That’s how meaningless it is to push yourself too hard.
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I’m Rin, a female member.
I’m sure this is weighing heavily on you, and I know it’s painful. But if you spend your time feeling miserable, the person who’s making an effort to continue seeing you may notice that too.
I understand that when you lack confidence in yourself, it’s easy to judge your worth by what the other person gives you. But he made you an offer because he likes you and thinks you’re cute. That doesn’t happen very often.
I hope you’ll have confidence and face the person in front of you. You might even try being a little sweet and saying that you’d like to visit a different kind of love hotel.
Paper Airplane has written something very objective. I found the part about “if there were no allowance...” very convincing, and I feel that people who understand this are more likely to maintain a healthy relationship.
You were chosen by a man like that. Please don’t let yourself be swayed by social media, where there’s very little truth. I hope you’ll spend your time with confidence.
Within the club, I don’t think the female members are necessarily the ones with the strongest need for validation. So please take it easy and enjoy your activities.
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
The fact that you’re troubled enough to think this deeply is meaningful in itself. The fact that you’re receiving offers and an allowance already shows that you’re valued.
As men, we have to pay to meet women, so simply being recognized as a female member who receives money is impressive in itself. On top of that, you’ve managed to satisfy your partner and receive your allowance properly. The allowance, other terms, preferences, and compatibility all vary from person to person, so comparing yourself with others will never end.
I don’t think anyone—man or woman—would willingly join a club if they didn’t have a reason to. Through these activities, you may gain things beyond your expectations, but at the same time, you can also feel a sense of emptiness, since this is different from a natural encounter.
Focusing on other women will only create more stress, especially since you can’t actually see the reality of each other’s situations.
Unlike cabaret clubs or commercial establishments, one of the advantages of club activities is that you don’t have to compete directly with other women, and your activities aren’t seen by them either. I don’t think there’s any need to worry about the others. Try focusing on whether your own needs are being met and interacting with your male partner from that perspective.
As the relationship continues, the benefits of being in the club become greater, so it would be a shame to judge everything based only on the opening chapter.
I imagine you had already made up your mind to take on that level of commitment when you joined. At the same time, continuing these activities inevitably comes with stress and worries, so I think you should also acknowledge and praise yourself for your hard work and courage in facing them.
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