I’d like some advice about a woman I met through a papa-katsu site on an app other than Uni. (Sorry for the extremely long post.)
When I first met her—a woman in her mid-20s who works for a listed company—I told her that my allowance was 60,000 yen for an adult relationship (intimate) and 10,000 yen for dinner.
She said she wasn’t looking for an adult relationship, so for about six months we’ve been meeting once or twice a month for meals at nice restaurants, sometimes watching a movie before or after dinner as well. The allowance is 10,000 yen each time.
(She may have other dinner-only papas, but it doesn’t seem like she has any papas for an adult relationship. Her profile on the app also clearly stated that she wasn’t looking for anything adult. She voluntarily deleted her account shortly after meeting me.)
Every time, she happily enjoys the food and cheerfully talks about all kinds of things—her job, her ex-boyfriend, her female friends, and so on. Even without an adult relationship, spending time with her feels a lot like being with an adorable niece who really likes me, and I’m enjoying our arrangement very much.
I also see about three to five other women once or twice a month for adult relationships, with the number fluctuating over time. Right now there are four; all of them are Black or Platinum women introduced to me through Uni. She is the only woman I’ve ever continued seeing for dinner only.
Recently, she’s told me things like how the listed company she works for has been affected by COVID and her bonus is likely to be significantly reduced, and how it’s been difficult to manage her finances since she recently moved out of her parents’ home and started living alone.
After seeing her as a dinner-only papa for about six months, I feel that we’ve built a reasonably good relationship. So I’m also selfishly hoping that, if I suggested an adult relationship now, she might agree.
On the other hand, I’m worried that:
(1) If she turns down an adult relationship, our current dinner-only arrangement might end as well.
(2) Even if we do move into an adult relationship, if we aren’t as sexually compatible as I’d hoped, the relationship might still end. (Would we be unable to go back to being dinner-only?)
Those concerns are making me hesitate to suggest an adult relationship.
Especially regarding point (2), even though I’m already continuing adult relationships with three to five young, beautiful women who seem far too good for me, whenever I see an attractive new female member on Uni, I can’t resist making her an offer. As a result, I repeatedly end up drifting apart from and eventually losing relationships with women who give me relatively less satisfaction.
So I have a feeling that if I moved into an adult relationship with this woman as well, our relationship itself would probably end sooner or later—unless we happened to be exceptionally sexually compatible.
As I wrote above, spending time with her is thoroughly enjoyable, almost like being with an adorable niece who really likes me. But I do still have the desire to sleep with her. At the same time, I wonder whether it might be better to leave this girl untouched and continue seeing her as a dinner-only papa for a long time.
I’d be grateful for advice from anyone who has experienced a similar conflict.
Maezawa from the Corporate Planning Office here as well.
> I’m worried about that, so I’m hesitant to bring up an adult relationship (intimate).
If this were a dating club, it might be realistic to spend a long time pursuing a woman with Dating Type A. But with an app, you should assume it’s a completely different world.
To begin with, you initially said:
“I told you the allowance would be 60,000 yen for an adult relationship and 10,000 yen for dinner. Since you said you weren’t looking for an adult relationship…”
So the two of you already agreed that your arrangement would be dinner only (no intimacy).
Even if you bring up an adult relationship now, there’s a 99% chance she’ll think:
“Does this person not understand Japanese? I told him from the start that I wasn’t interested in an adult relationship, didn’t I?”
If you were hoping for an adult relationship as well, you probably needed to say from the beginning something along the lines of: “I’d like to pursue you over dinner,” or “I’m inviting you to dinner so I can pursue you.”
So, in conclusion:
(1) I feel things will probably turn out exactly as you imagine.
(2) I don’t think there’s any point in worrying about that.
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I’m Flag Maker, a columnist.
I believe an allowance shouldn’t be based on the nature of the arrangement—whether or not there’s an adult relationship—but on how much value that woman brings to your life.
If you like her, why not keep things as a dinner-only arrangement and give her an occasional bonus allowance?
Otherwise, she may take it as, “You’re short on money, right? I could pay you more if we had an adult relationship,” which probably won’t leave a good impression.
Try being a gentleman and giving her a bonus allowance once. Whether things develop into an adult relationship should come after that.
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I’m a male member, “Paper Airplane.”
> Even without an adult relationship (intimacy), I’m having plenty of fun with her. It feels like spending time with a cute niece who’s really attached to me.
It’s better to keep things that way.
> We’ve been seeing each other as dinner-only partners for about six months, and I think we’ve developed a fairly good relationship. I’m also indulging in the self-serving hope that she might agree if I suggested an adult relationship now.
The possibility is 0%.
> (1) If she turns down an adult relationship, our current dinner-only arrangement might end too.
There’s a 0% chance of that ending just because she says no.
It’s fine to ask, so you could even check every time if you wanted.
She doesn’t think anything of it, so it’s best to ask—even as a joke.
> (2) Even if we did become intimate, what if we weren’t as sexually compatible as I’d hoped? The relationship might still end then—or would I be unable to go back to being her dinner-only papa?
There’s a 0% chance of that, too.
You won’t become that kind of couple.
> Those concerns are why I hesitate to suggest an adult relationship.
There’s no need to hesitate. Asking is fine, so you can go ahead and check.
That said, the fact that you’re hesitating shows how much you value the specialness of what you have now. This half-baked, unresolved relationship may feel comfortable and keep you excited, so there’s nothing wrong with enjoying that delicate mix of anticipation and frustration.
> I do want to have sex with her. At the same time, I feel that perhaps I should leave this particular girl untouched and continue seeing her as a dinner-only partner for a long time.
That kind of relationship can feel special too, and there’s nothing wrong with it.
A woman like that probably assumes there are other men willing to give her an allowance comparable to what you’d receive in an adult relationship, even without becoming intimate. So your current position—seeing her once or twice a month—is simply a relationship that will continue for as long as it lasts, but is fairly low-key from her perspective.
It’s better not to assume that becoming more familiar over time will necessarily make the relationship more intimate.
Men tend to think, “If we keep seeing each other, eventually…”
Women tend to think, “Absolutely not. If it’s lasted this long, that’s because it’s never going to happen.”
Men think, “One or two times, or even three or four times, is probably too soon…”
Women think, “If it’s impossible after one or two times—or three or four—it’ll be impossible forever.”
She probably isn’t thinking about it as much as you are, so I think it’s best to make the offer and confirm where things stand.
In your case, most likely, nothing will change even after several years.
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I’m Basil, a male member.
That’s a difficult one.
I had a similar experience before. I invited someone I was already fairly satisfied with, even if we only went out for dinner. She told me, “I’ve actually had someone I see after dinner for a while now. I’m not comfortable seeing multiple people, but once things end with him, I’ll seriously consider it. I’ve always enjoyed our time together, so until then, I’d like to keep seeing you as we have been.”
You could say she was an honest, serious girl, but I was furious at being treated as the second choice, so I said goodbye without giving her an allowance.
Since then, I’ve stopped having dinner-only arrangements.
If she’s satisfied with her current arrangement and already has someone she has an adult relationship (intimate) with, then there may be no reason for her to move things forward with you right now.
However, I do wonder whether she really doesn’t have an adult papa (a male supporter), and whether she actually sees you as a potential adult partner.
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I’m a male member, based in Seattle.
I think it’s probably best to leave women who are dinner only as they are. Maybe she looks up to you because she feels safe knowing you won’t make a move on her.
If she’s struggling financially, wouldn’t she bring it up herself?
For an adult relationship (intimate), I figured it would be better to look through Universe.
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