Men, what would you do if you realized that your way of thinking was fundamentally different from that of a woman you’d been seeing for over a year?

I’m Meg, a female member. You probably ended up telling him because you felt you could truly open up to him… Even so, you’re making an effort to get back on your feet now, aren’t you? Life isn’t always filled with happy moments. Sometimes you can’t take back things that happened in the past or feelings you had—and sometimes it’s simply difficult to do so. Even when you know you only need to focus on what needs to be done, your emotions still follow you around. There are times when I think, “What a hassle.” That’s why I don’t think you have to force yourself to smile all the time. You said what you said, and that’s that. Will your different perspectives lead to a breakup, or will he still choose to stay by your side? Your partner doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would end the relationship over something like this. If you still want to be together, why not tell him honestly? (*^^*)

Maezawa from the Corporate Planning Office here as well. > “He told me, ‘That kind of thinking is exactly the type I hate most.’” I think the meaning may change depending on what was said before and after that comment. Taking just one part out of context can make a big difference in how it comes across. For example, perhaps after saying, “That’s the type I hate most,” he went on to say something like: “Life can be difficult at times, but if you don’t become pessimistic and keep pushing forward, you may eventually see the light, and opportunities may come your way. You should always be mentally prepared so you don’t miss those opportunities.” Even if you felt that he completely failed to understand your feelings, he may have thought he was offering advice. He may even have been hoping that what he said could somehow become the catalyst that changes your life. If that’s the case, when you meet again, he’ll probably continue seeing you as usual, as if nothing happened. And by “the type I hate,” he may simply have meant, “I dislike that way of thinking, but I like you.” It’s not just sensitive men who act this way. Some men speak because they genuinely believe they’re saying something helpful. Women often want empathy and agreement, whereas men tend to enjoy debating, so it’s fairly common for them to say things like, “That’s not how it is.” He may also have let his guard down, thinking you were someone he could debate with without a problem. If you understand that and accept that this is just how men can be, I think you may be able to continue seeing him as before.

I’m Mac, a columnist. Because I’ve had similar experiences myself, there are times when I really don’t want to hear about things like that even in a papa-katsu setting. It’s self-loathing toward someone like yourself. Whatever you do, make sure you never step on that tail again. Relationships aren’t about being allowed to talk about anything just because you’re close. Precisely because someone is important to you, you should try to show them only the better sides of yourself. That’s a basic principle for maintaining any relationship between a man and a woman—not just papa-katsu. If you absolutely need to talk about something depressing, it’s better to post it on an online forum like this. It’s like poop. Basically, taking a dump outdoors. You shouldn’t do it in front of your boyfriend. Unless that happens to be his thing. P.S. It was still fortunate that the man got angry on your behalf. But if he had been a bully, he might have thought, “Oh, so this is someone it’s okay to bully. This could be fun—maybe I’ll push her to the limit,” and then, while putting on a kind face and listening to you, started trying to gain psychological control over you. It’s better not to show other people your vulnerabilities. It can be dangerous in all sorts of ways. P.P.S. Romane keeps writing interesting things, so I’ll add my own thoughts as well. Here’s something that may be difficult to notice from the perspective of a woman in an arrangement. Successful men—especially those running their own businesses—are actually aware that they’re standing in a very precarious place, with hell just on the other side of a thin door. That’s why they basically dislike—or avoid—“negative” topics. They feel as though it might bring their luck down. After living this long, there’s no way they haven’t experienced some setbacks, despair, or depression. But because they don’t want to look back on those things, some men may pretend not to understand women’s complaints, saying things like, “I’ve never experienced anything like that, so I don’t get it.” They’re putting on a brave front. They’re telling themselves that they’re strong. So maybe that man was crying inside, thinking, “Please, just give me a break.” Men may have a higher suicide rate than women, you know? Please be kind to them. :) > Romane > “Don’t you want to get ahead? Don’t you want to build your own organization? Don’t you want to become a high earner?” > Being grilled for about two hours was exhausting. I feel like I can hear the man’s heart screaming: “Then what have I been working so hard for? This value system is supposed to be absolute—or rather, it has to be, otherwise I don’t know what to do.” Everyone is weak. Please forgive them. :)

I’m Flag Maker, a columnist. In my experience, it’s difficult for people who have never experienced depression to truly understand what it means to be depressed or mentally unwell. So the fact that this man didn’t empathize with you is, unfortunately, fairly normal. You may have grown emotionally distant from him, but when it comes to his lack of empathy, I think you should forgive him. Learning to accept things that way is also part of preventing yourself from falling back into depression. When it comes to topics like depression and mental health struggles, it’s probably best to talk with people who have been through them themselves. P.S. The women I’m seeing and I have completely different ways of thinking. I just go along with them casually. Actually, I don’t think there’s a single person in the world whose way of thinking perfectly matches my own. That’s normal. So I get lonely and use dating clubs to distract myself from it ^^;

I’m Rin, a female member. It depends on how much you told him and how you phrased it, but he may have taken it as, “So you met me with a ‘whatever happens, happens’ attitude…” You get along well, spend good times together, and you feel that the relationship gives you both energy—is it only me who sees it that way? Were you really approaching it with such a careless, hopeless attitude? Perhaps that’s what he was thinking. I could be wrong, but otherwise, even an extremely positive man probably wouldn’t say something like that to someone who was feeling negative. This is just my speculation, but I think he likes you that much. He may also have turned his loneliness into anger. Still, it must have hurt you. It seems like you’re both misunderstanding each other a little, so it might be worth talking things through a bit more. You may need to tell him that meeting him when you were at rock bottom made you happy, and that life has started to feel more enjoyable again. P.S. I agree with what Papua said. If you weren’t saying that you felt like you didn’t care what happened, but had told him that you were suffering from depression, then this isn’t simply a difference in thoughts or values. The truth is, it’s impossible to fully understand. That applies even to family members, spouses, and psychiatrists. True understanding is difficult. However, depending on the person, it is possible to listen and share in what they’re going through.

I’m Seattle, a male member. I wish you’d come to me for advice—I would’ve been happy to help. And even if that man sees things differently, couldn’t he have put it a little more kindly? It’s not unusual for people to become depressed. Time heals many things, so for a while, just think of him as an ATM and laugh it off. Let’s find things in life that make you happy. If you’re enjoying yourself, it’s okay to be unemployed too.

I’m Paper Airplane, a male club member. > I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. I have no dreams or hope. > As for dark stories from the past and feelings of despair… Everyone experiences things like that at some point in life. And especially if someone has found their way to a club, it’s only natural to assume there’s some reason behind it. I often feel like I don’t want to do anything either. There’s a side of ourselves that we—and probably no one else—would ever want to see. That’s part of being human. If the club or a male partner can become a source of comfort, then it may not be such a bad thing after all. You could even see it as something that led to a meaningful connection. I think the male partner could have viewed it as an inevitable part of how you two met, given your circumstances—or he may simply have felt uncomfortable with it. Either is possible. With enough life experience, you can understand that meeting someone through a club often means there have been unusual circumstances or major changes in their life. Thinking of it that way may make it easier to accept… Based on what you wrote, I wouldn’t think it was enough to completely put him off. Was there more to what you actually discussed?