I’m a 50-year-old married man, and a few months ago I was introduced to a wonderful woman. We’ve met four or five times, and we’ve enjoyed ourselves every time. I was thinking of getting her a gift for an upcoming anniversary, but what she wants costs about five or six times the allowance. I can understand why she’d want it, but I’ve never given anyone such an expensive gift before, so it feels like a bit much… Maybe it’s strange to feel that way if I’m doing papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), but I can’t exactly tell her that directly… What should I do?
Mr. Saito, the columnist.
Does making requests like that really make someone a “wonderful woman”?
Couldn’t it simply mean she’s taking advantage of you?
A truly bad woman would be the perfect woman who can hide things like that, so she seems more like a slightly foolish woman to me...
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I’m Joe, a column writer.
I’m a compulsive gift-giver (haha). That said, I do have my own criteria—though unfortunately, my partners rarely seem to understand them.
**Criterion 1: Do I like it myself?**
I have absolutely no idea what jewelry and other accessories are worth. So aside from earrings, I won’t agree to requests for accessories.
For birthday presents, I often give watches. My personal message is, “Let’s keep marking time together,” but no one has ever understood that (sigh).
**Criterion 2: The price**
If something is too expensive, there’s the obvious issue of budget. And since I’m often told, “I’d rather have cash” (sigh again), I have to be careful.
The most expensive gift I’ve ever given was a watch costing nearly eight figures. But that was a truly exceptional case—and the recipient was my wife. Rather than saying I gave it to her, it would be more accurate to say I was made to give it to her… No, I mean, I was honored to give it to her (sigh a third time).
This may not be helpful at all, but why not think it over using these two criteria?
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I’m Flag Maker, a columnist.
In my case, I tell them:
“My budget for gifts is only around ¥○○, so please ask another papa for anything expensive.”
Unless they understand what I can realistically afford, it’s hard to maintain a long-term relationship.
That said, I do put some thought into the gifts. Rather than buying a cheaper version of an expensive item, such as jewelry, I go for a higher-end version of something inexpensive and used regularly, like cosmetics.
Then, whenever they run out, I buy more for them on a regular basis. Gifts like that are actually appreciated quite a bit.
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I’m Marika, a female member.
As Maezawa-san said, if you asked, “What would you like?” without mentioning a budget, then you may just have to show some generosity—assuming you want to continue seeing her, of course.
If the atmosphere allows, I think it’s fine to say, “How about something within this budget?” She’ll probably just think, “Oh, maybe I went a little overboard.”
A few months after we started seeing each other, he said he wanted to buy me something out of the blue, so I chose a pair of earrings. Looking back, he apparently had clothing in the ¥50,000–¥60,000 range in mind, but I didn’t have any clothes I wanted at the time, so I went with the earrings instead.
I think we both had that “Wait, this is more expensive than expected” feeling, but the pair I liked cost just under ¥200,000… We’ve continued seeing each other smoothly ever since, and it’s been over a year now.
The longer you’re together, the easier it gets because you both learn about each other—like his budget and roughly how much the brands I like cost.
I hope you two become comfortable enough with each other to speak openly soon.
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I’m Rin, a female member.
Oh wow—so you actually ask for things like that… You’re pretty bold!
But I think gifts are supposed to make the giver happy too, so in the end, you’ll have to decide for yourself whether that applies here.
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Maezawa from the Corporate Planning Office here.
For example, if you were the one who said:
“It’s our anniversary soon, so I’ll buy you a present. What would you like?”
then I feel this has become one of those situations where you need to show some generosity. Saying, “That’s too expensive,” after offering in the first place might come across as a little uncool. I suppose this time, there’s not much you can do.
You could at least make it clear that this is a one-time thing.
For future occasions, if you have a limited budget, it might be safer to say:
“Tell me what you’d like, as long as it’s under ¥〇〇〇,000.”
Of course, even this time, you could also say:
“That’s more than I was expecting. If there’s something less expensive you’d like, let me know.”
That’s another option.
It may feel uncool, but if you can’t afford it, there’s not much you can do.
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
I can understand how excited and elated you must feel.
You’ve met the best woman of your life and want to give her the greatest gift ever…
But at the same time,
I can really smell the money-hungry attitude here.
In a normal relationship—where no allowance is involved—you might take a chance and give someone a gift that expensive when you first meet or early on.
But with a club woman, the number of times you’ve already met her has probably exceeded that amount in allowance.
I honestly can’t see any reason to give her an even more expensive gift on top of that.
If you’ve never done anything like this in an ordinary relationship, it might be better to stop.
There’s a good chance she’ll keep asking for more and more, with no end in sight.
I think you should take a step back and consider things calmly.
P.S. According to a beautiful woman who joined the club, getting outrageously expensive anniversary gifts is apparently something that happens with men she doesn’t really care about…
Since she gets gifts from several men, something worth only five or six allowances might even be considered a rather modest gift—something she could comfortably ask for.
If she really is such a wonderful woman…
If you’re going to give her an expensive gift anyway, it might have more of a surprise effect if you buy her something unexpectedly during an ordinary walk around town—something she naturally picks up or takes a liking to, rather than giving it to her on a special occasion when everyone else is doing the same.
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I’m だて◎ゆめ, a male member.
In this case, wouldn’t it be okay to be straightforward?
I’m not sure what it is, but considering the length of your relationship, it seems far too expensive. Why not ask, “Isn’t there something else you’d like instead?”
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I’m a male member from Seattle.
The most I’ve ever given was probably a ¥120,000 gift to cover double-eyelid surgery. She looked incredibly cute afterward.
I don’t really give physical gifts—or rather, I personally prefer to give cash almost exclusively.
If she’s wonderful enough that you’d want to give her a ¥300,000 gift, then go for it. Or you can look for someone else. It’s entirely up to you. Freedom is a wonderful thing.
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