Could you tell me how to turn someone down without causing offense?
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Hello. I always enjoy reading this site.
I’m a female Type C member in my 20s.
I’ve received several offers, some of which developed into relationships and some of which didn’t. However, the person I went on a date with the other day wasn’t my type, and our terms didn’t align, so I declined to pursue a relationship with him.
When turning someone down, I’d previously been able to end things simply with exchanges like, “So, how do you feel about things from here?” and “I’m sorry,” and they accepted it without much trouble. But this time, the other person became extremely angry and said, “That’s what I came here intending to do!”
He then pressed me further, asking what he could do to make me agree to see him and what he had done wrong. I answered far too honestly, saying, “The chemistry and the terms don’t really work for me…” and we parted while he was still angry.
I’ve been reflecting that perhaps there was a better way to turn him down.
For the women who answer, how do you usually decline? And for the men who answer, what kind of rejection would not hurt your feelings?
I’m Meg, a female member.
> How to turn someone down without offending them
At that point, I was fully expecting Big Brother Joe to burst in with something like:
“There’s no such thing!”
If I’m not wanted,
what am I supposed to do?
…From a flat-chested girl who isn’t even a Hakata beauty
> Chupa Chups—LOL!
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I’m Joe, a column writer.
Unfortunately, there’s no magic way to turn someone down. Besides, since you’ve already said that neither the chemistry nor the terms work for you, there’s really nothing more to say, is there? I think that way of declining is the magic phrase you’re looking for. You can leave out the “fool” in “painfully honest.” When turning someone down, the best approach is to be just a little polite but straightforward. Even Kiyohara said, “The hardest pitch to hit is a fastball.”
Personally, if a beautiful Hakata woman said to me, “What’m I supposed to do?” I’d be happy just to hear it, haha.
Wait, you don’t speak with a Hakata accent? My apologies!
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I’m a BB7 male member.
Whether you phrase something rudely or not, some people will still get hurt, and some will still get angry. That’s their issue, not yours, so just let it go.
Other people’s emotions belong to them, and you can’t control them. There are plenty of people whose reactions don’t line up with yours—you may wonder, “Why get angry now?” or “Are you really upset over this?”
If you were closer to the person, it might be worth trying to understand or bridge that gap. But in this case, you had already decided from the start to turn them down.
Saying, “We don’t click, and our terms don’t work for each other…” was simply an honest expression of how you felt, so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.
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I’m Rin, a female member.
First of all, I don’t think you did anything wrong.
That man seems like the type to throw a tantrum if he doesn’t get a yes, no matter who says no or how they say it. Even though it was understood that things would depend on how well you clicked, the fact that he got angry and said, “That’s not what I had in mind!” shows that he was anything but a gentleman.
He was acting like a kindergartener—basically, “Go suck on a Chupa Chups and be quiet.”
I imagine the questioner may have felt a certain amount of fear, but there are plenty of wonderful people out there. I hope this doesn’t become a trauma and that you’re able to enjoy yourself again.
By the way, I’m an absolute beginner myself, but once, after someone said, “Please date me!” he sent me a long list of demands in bullet points.
I felt uncomfortable with the assumption that I would naturally accept everything, so I put things on hold. The moment I did, he launched into an endless lecture, saying things like, “Why don’t you just get a normal job?” and “Even younger girls are like this.” So I turned him down using unusually cold wording for me.
That experience taught me that this is what happens when kindness and consideration are lacking on both sides.
P.S.
Papua, nice to meet you. I’m glad to hear that!
He really was exactly the kind of man you described...
I’m a B, but I always go fully prepared from the very first meeting, so the fact that even that time ended up feeling so sad was especially upsetting.
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Maezawa from the Corporate Planning Office here as well.
It seems this man misunderstood the relationship type, so no matter how you turned him down, he was probably the kind of person who would get angry if things didn’t go his way.
In that situation, your first goal should be to end the meeting safely. You could say something like:
“I’m sorry, but I’m suddenly feeling a little unwell. Could we do this another time?”
The idea is to steer things toward parting ways after dinner.
Once you’ve safely gone your separate ways, contact the club first and say:
“I’m sorry, but I didn’t feel we clicked with today’s gentleman, so I declined an adult relationship.”
It may also help to be more specific about what was wrong—for example, that he seemed unclean, or that he touched you or tried to kiss you during dinner or while traveling, which made you uncomfortable.
That way, you’ll be covered even if the man leaves negative feedback.
Then, around the time you get home or the following day, I recommend sending him an email or some other message to let him know you’re declining.
Some men prefer you to be honest and not make up an excuse about meeting again, but being that direct can sometimes lead to situations like this.
Some women are so timid that they end up going along with things even though they really don’t want to. They’re simply too kind.
(I do like kind women, though.)
I know it’s not ideal, but for your own protection, I think sometimes it can’t be helped.
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
That man is probably used to being turned down, so any way you decline should be fine!
Normally, since this is a club, members generally aren’t turned down in the first place.
So no matter what you say, I think he’ll probably take it negatively anyway.
I don’t think you need to let someone like that affect how you view or approach your club activities.
P.S. Not accepting “Sorry” and refusing to give up is abnormal. Being turned down at the first meeting would be quite unusual, so he’s probably used to being rejected.
> “I’m sorry, but I suddenly started feeling unwell. Could we meet another time?”
That’s a good way to put it.
P.P.S. Also, as Maezawa mentioned, I think it’s important to leave feedback.
If the man posts made-up or false reports, his rating could drop and he may receive fewer offers.
Leaving feedback first should eliminate that concern.
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I’m Marika, a female member.
I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. People like that won’t understand even if you turn them down gently. The fact that he got angry means your message definitely got through.
Above all, I’m really glad you didn’t end up in an unwanted adult relationship (intimate).
In situations like this, you should definitely leave feedback in the survey. I’d also recommend selecting “Yes” for allowing the site to contact the other person for confirmation in case of trouble.
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