I recently met up with someone I hadn’t been able to see because of COVID. We have a monthly arrangement, so I receive the same amount each month no matter how many times we meet.
I saw him again recently, but since he said we probably wouldn’t be able to meet much this month, he changed it to a pay-per-meeting amount just for that occasion. (The same pay-per-meeting amount as when we had just started seeing each other.)
This is supposed to be a monthly arrangement—don’t you think that’s strange?
I understand the reason, but I felt like asking, “If it’s a monthly arrangement, don’t you understand what that means?”
I’d like to hear everyone’s opinions.
I usually have a monthly arrangement with him, but even though it includes an adult relationship (intimate), the amount we agreed on is considerably lower than the going rate.
I accepted the lower amount because I liked him, but he’s the kind of person who switches to pay-per-meeting only when it works against him.
Sorry this got so long. I’d appreciate your opinions.
I’m Joe, a columnist.
Basically, I think the questioner’s understanding of a monthly arrangement is correct. If you had confronted him in the moment with what you were really thinking—“Do you even understand what monthly means?”—the relationship probably would have ended right there, and you wouldn’t have needed to post this question. Ending the relationship is certainly one option.
As the other respondents have said, continuing the relationship while holding onto these feelings probably won’t work, so at the very least, you need to clarify the style of the arrangement the next time you meet.
That said, this is a trial in absentia, so the man probably has his side of the story too. If his reasoning is simply that he wants to continue seeing you as cheaply as possible, Joe can’t defend him. I understand the feeling, but it’s not a good look. At the same time, why not look back at your own behavior and consider whether there’s anything you should change—or reflect on?
Generally speaking, what men want is to feel appreciated by the woman they’re seeing. You may argue, “I clearly express my gratitude, and I’ve never treated him disrespectfully,” but—and I’m sorry to put it this generally—women rarely exceed a man’s expectations. In fact, they often fall well short. When that happens, the man may become even stingier.
Try thinking of ways to loosen his purse strings. The quickest method is to move your hips twice as much as usual. Give it a try—you might be pleasantly surprised.
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Maezawa from the Corporate Planning Office will answer as well.
First, it’s hard to say without knowing the specific amounts.
For example:
① You had a monthly arrangement of ¥200,000 and met four times a month.
This month, you only met once on a pay-per-meeting basis and received ¥50,000.
Compared with:
② You had a monthly arrangement of ¥80,000 and met eight times a month.
This month, you only met once on a pay-per-meeting basis and received ¥20,000.
The impression is completely different.
In case ②, you’d think, “That man is being far too unreasonable. You should end things with him.”
But in case ①, you might think, “These things happen, don’t they? With COVID, his income may have decreased and he may be struggling, so if you put up with it for now, things may return to normal.”
> Don’t you think it’s strange if it’s supposed to be a monthly arrangement?
If you consider it a contract, then yes, it’s strange. However, men often believe they have control over the arrangement. They feel that it’s up to them whether or not to give the money, so situations like this can happen.
Women only have the right to decide whether or not to meet, but if something feels wrong, they can also choose to stop seeing the man altogether. I think you should carefully consider whether to put up with it or cut ties.
Using the examples above, I’d say you should put up with it in case ①, but end things in case ②.
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I’m Flag Maker, a columnist.
For that man, “monthly” probably means a monthly arrangement because it’s a better deal for him. Since that’s how he sees it, if you can’t meet, the arrangement is no longer worthwhile, so he’s switched from a monthly arrangement to pay-per-meeting.
It’s simply a difference in how you value a monthly arrangement.
I understand how you feel, but from his perspective, his thinking is probably: “Compared with how often we’d meet under a monthly arrangement, the pay-per-meeting amount should still work out well for you.” He may even feel that he’s paying you more.
In this situation, he definitely won’t understand if you just stay angry on your own, so you should explain it to him clearly. Try changing your anger into something like, “I was a little hurt, you know 😢”
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I’m Meg, one of the female members.
Huh?
Aren’t you already full of complaints at this point…?
You’re clearly not satisfied at all…
> Even though I accepted the lower allowance out of affection, she switches to pay-per-meeting only when it puts her at a disadvantage.
Do you really still want to continue seeing her?
That’s what I’d like to ask you instead.
P.S. Rin,
Nice to meet you (*^^*)
Alongside the lovely Marika and tiara, we now have another wonderful woman joining our group♪
The theory that women in their 40s are the strongest is gaining momentum (of course, I’m at the very bottom).
Hehe.
Looking forward to getting to know you!
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I’m a male member from Seattle.
Either your feelings for each other aren’t really working out and you’re both fine with ending things at any time, or the man is simply cheap.
Consider your own finances, and if you can manage it, go ahead and dump him.
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I’m Marika, a female member.
There was a similar question from a male member before.
For men, if you’ve agreed on a monthly arrangement, I recommend paying the same amount even if you can’t meet at all—that’s the gentlemanly thing to do.
For women, if the man continues giving you the same amount, try offering to reduce it at least once, saying, “Since we haven’t been able to meet at all.”
In short, the key is to be considerate of the other person.
That said, as a woman, if you say that and he actually responds, “Oh, really? Then…” and reduces the allowance, I’d be completely turned off. Haha.
If, at the current pay-per-meeting amount, going back to your pre-COVID frequency would add up to more than the monthly arrangement, why not just put up with it for now?
But if you’re going to switch back to a monthly arrangement anyway, it feels kind of stingy, so I’d say don’t bother. Haha.
When it’s not about yourself, you can think about things in an incredibly calculating way.
That’s one reason answering questions can be fun.
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I’m Kamihikoki, a male member.
I suppose it depends on the circumstances and the nature of the relationship.
Judging from the wording, it sounds like both sides may be equally at fault—perhaps they’re just alike.
With a monthly arrangement, some people may expect their partner to:
- Give them a generous allowance
- Meet with them often
And then feel dissatisfied when the partner:
- Doesn’t give them any money
- Doesn’t meet with them
while others may be mutually grateful.
P.S. Since most of the answers seem to be rather sympathetic, I’ll deliberately offer a different perspective.
It’s possible that the man only used COVID as an excuse not to meet, and had simply found another woman.
From the wording, it also sounds like you’re unhappy about the monthly arrangement, even though it was your own choice.
If the two of you had been meeting repeatedly under a monthly arrangement, were mutually in love, and had plenty of free time during the stay-at-home period, you might have been able to spend a lot of enjoyable time together.
Perhaps neither of you made that kind of effort—or perhaps the other person wasn’t someone you cared enough about to make that effort for.
Could the result have been that you couldn’t meet and ended up with the further dissatisfaction described in your question?
If I were in that man’s position, I would see the COVID period as a chance to cut ties with a woman who only thinks about herself.
It was also a good opportunity to choose which women—or men—to continue meeting and which ones not to meet.
I don’t think it’s wise to interpret your own choices and their consequences only in whatever way is most convenient for you.
Why couldn’t you meet during the COVID period? And why didn’t he come to give you the money even if you couldn’t meet?
I get the feeling that you may also bear some responsibility.
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I’m Date ◎ Yume, a male member.
Since it’s basically a monthly arrangement, I think the same amount for the month would normally be appropriate. However, because you had far fewer opportunities to meet, it seems to have been adjusted to a pay-per-meeting basis.
Since this time didn’t seem satisfactory to you, I recommend negotiating the pay-per-meeting terms when you meet next.
Let’s make it an enjoyable club experience based on an arrangement you’re both comfortable with.
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I’m RIN, a female member.
I haven’t been a member for very long, so I’m not sure if I should be answering, but…
Personally, I wouldn’t like it. I’m not good at negotiating to begin with, so although the allowance isn’t particularly high, I choose to spend time with someone because I feel comfortable with them, am attracted to them, enjoy our conversations, and feel cared for (and I assume it’s mutual).
You felt uncomfortable about it, didn’t you? If so, I think it’s perfectly fine to end things here. I feel it would be disrespectful to you to continue.
You could tell him how you feel once, if you’d like, though…
I think it’s okay to put your own feelings and well-being first.
I’m sure you’ll receive an offer from someone wonderful soon.
P.S. Meg,
Thank you.
Although I’m a beginner and very much at the bottom of the pecking order, I’m having a great time here. I look forward to your continued support!
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