I have someone who keeps me for 27 hours at a time, meets me four times a month, and pays a monthly 200,000 yen. In other words, I stay over every weekend.
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I respect his career, but he’s the same age as my father, I have no romantic feelings for him, and I find this situation unbearable when it works out to less than 2,000 yen an hour.
The hardest part is that every time we meet, he wants it three times—or even more. I told him it was too much, but he just says, “Because I love you,” and refuses to listen.
He also often asks me things like, “You’re not doing this for the money, right?” “You love me too, don’t you?” and “We’ll live together someday, right?” So I end up smiling and giving him the answers he wants to hear.
He always treats me to expensive meals “because he wants me to be happy,” books beautiful, spacious rooms, and sometimes takes me shopping.
But what I need is cash—not luxurious experiences.
I want to break things off with him. Please give me the push I need.
Also, how can I change this part of my personality? I’m unable to say no to an extreme degree, constantly try to please people, and ignore my true feelings while trying to fulfill the wishes of someone I don’t even like romantically. Even though I respect him, I waste time trying to make someone I don’t love like me.
Why do I throw myself into suffering and then try to accept it? If anyone understands this, please tell me…
I’m BB7, a male member.
I can’t say no…
It’s usually not because I’m being considerate of the other person’s feelings, but because I don’t want them to dislike me or want to avoid looking like the bad guy—in other words, it’s mostly about protecting myself.
Maybe it comes from having the personality of an eldest daughter who was praised by her parents for always putting up with things, or from being traumatized after being harshly scolded by her parents as a child for expressing her own opinions, making it difficult to refuse people now.
But no matter how much you analyze it, you’ll never know the full truth, and it won’t teach you how to say no. So why not start by reading a book on assertiveness and practicing and learning how to turn people down?
If you constantly suppress your own feelings and bend over backward to accommodate others, frustration, powerlessness, and resentment will build up—both at work and in your personal life.
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This is Saito, the columnist.
You’re treating women as disposable, and I don’t sense any desire from you men to help them move forward.
That’s not a papa anymore.
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I’m Joe, a columnist. The answers are already pretty much complete, but since Princess Meg specifically asked for my input, I’ll offer my thoughts as well.
“You want someone to push you forward? Don’t be so spoiled! Someone like that should be shoved off a cliff!”
That was Joe’s honest reaction when he read the question. So, like Mac, I’m not going to push you forward.
You say you want to change your personality, but I don’t think you need to change it. You come across as a kindhearted woman with an exceptionally strong spirit of service. The real problem—or rather, the thing you need to change—is that although words like “time commitment” and “hourly rate” make you sound like a calculating woman, your calculator is broken. Personally, Joe enjoys being led around by calculating women (laughs). But if the calculator’s broken, we have a problem.
I’d like to share one of my favorite expressions with you: “kyakka shōko.” Look up the meaning yourself.
It seems you need to start something new—a new habit, perhaps. My recommendation is getting up early. For the first two years after starting my own business, I got up at four every morning. I was really fired up back then.
“What about now?” you ask? This morning, I woke up nestled between the breasts of an F-cup woman. Tomorrow, I’m planning to wake up nestled between the breasts of a different F-cup woman. It’s probably Joe who needs to take a good look at himself. Sorry.
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I’m Marika, a female member.
When you’ve truly had enough, I think there’ll come a point when your feelings suddenly cool off and you think, “What am I doing, putting up with all this?” When that happens, you’ll probably be able to speak your mind so clearly that even you’ll surprise yourself.
The fact that you’re posting here makes me think you’ve already reached a certain conclusion. But while you’re still conflicted, you may not have reached the point where you can think purely in terms of the money and the practical benefits.
Unless you’ve become so repulsed by him that you physically cringe, and you’re also thinking about the money, I’d probably ask for an overnight stay twice a month, with us parting ways after breakfast. If you stay over from Friday night and say goodbye Saturday morning, you can still make good use of your weekend.
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I’m Seattle, a male member.
That’s too much time. And if it’s that frequent, it sounds painful too. Having all your weekends taken up is more than enough reason to reconsider.
I think Mr. Maezawa’s suggestion of proposing revised terms would be a good approach.
If there’s no one else and you’re short on money, you could politely negotiate by saying something like, “I’m fine with ¥150,000 a month, but I’d like each meeting to be limited to four hours and end the same day.”
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I’m Flagmaker, a column writer.
Universe Club is a dating club. Many male members are looking for what they see as a “mistress” relationship rather than papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan).
Men envision a “mistress-like relationship,” while women think of it as papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). I feel this mismatch in expectations happens quite often.
When people hear “mistress,” they may assume money is involved, but they also tend to imagine two people who genuinely like each other.
If you can’t treat it as just business, breaking up is certainly an option. However, I’m concerned that the person asking this question may continue to think in such extreme terms, so I recommend trying to negotiate—for example, making it clear that you can do certain things but not others.
> Why do I throw myself into suffering and then try to accept it?
I used to be afraid of conflict with others and of being disliked, so I had practically made a habit of acting like a people-pleaser. But then I realized that I was only making things harder for myself, while no one around me understood or helped me, so I stopped.
Once I put on a good face, I hated the self-contradiction that followed, so I would force myself to keep pretending everything was fine until I reached my limit on my own. Unfortunately, the other person never understood.
I think I can somewhat understand how difficult this is for you. But rather than summoning the courage to suddenly break up, I believe it would be better for your sake going forward to summon the courage to negotiate. This applies to everything.
Negotiation is a matter of practice. Whether at work, in your private life, or between spouses, it’s extremely important to negotiate and discuss a compromise.
Once you get used to it, things will become a little easier for you.
If you don’t get used to expressing your wishes and accepting a certain amount of friction in relationships, you’ll remain stuck in this extreme way of thinking and continue to make things difficult for yourself.
Think of it as practice, and do your best to negotiate.
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I’m Gaku, a male member.
This question really hit home—it felt like I was looking into a mirror.
There are a few differences, though: I only see them, or rather can only see them, once a month at most; I don’t say stupid things like, “You’re not doing this for the money, right?” “You like me too, don’t you?” or “Let’s live together”; and the women set the quota and ask me to do it three times.
That’s about it, so I’ll be careful not to get dumped by the women I’m seeing now.
I guess I didn’t actually answer the question. Older men can be pretty dense, so unless you tell us directly, we probably won’t understand.
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I’m Meg, a female member.
You want to say, “That’s clearly not going to work… Get over yourself already…”
But honestly, that attitude would only encourage him to keep taking advantage of you. You’ve got potential, girl—it’s such a waste.
You don’t actually want to keep seeing him badly enough to suggest ways he could improve, do you?
You’re just too nice. Bottling up that much stress is never going to end well.
Next time, let’s leave behind the “girl who doesn’t want to ruin the mood” act and hope you meet someone who isn’t completely deluded!
Right, Joe?
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Maezawa from the Corporate Planning Office here as well.
Since this involves two people, these situations can be complicated.
Considering the ¥200,000 a month, it might seem reasonable to continue seeing him as things are. But picking out the issues from your message, I think they are:
1. He expects three or more times each time you meet.
2. The hourly rate comes to less than ¥2,000.
3. You have no romantic feelings for him.
4. What you need is cash—not luxurious experiences.
If you want to end things unless the arrangement changes, it seems you simply need to tell him your new terms:
1. Limit it to two times per date. If he asks for more, the arrangement ends.
2. Don’t stay overnight; go home by the last train. (You’d spend about four hours together.)
3. Skip meals and shopping and go straight to the hotel.
4. Continue meeting four times a month, with the monthly allowance remaining at ¥200,000.
You could be firm and say, “If these terms don’t work for you, I won’t be able to see you anymore.”
If he can’t accept that, I think the relationship will end. But if he still wants to see you, he may be willing to compromise on the terms.
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
You can get an extra ¥20,000–¥40,000 for an upscale meal,
¥20,000–¥80,000 for a nice, spacious room,
and at least ¥40,000–¥100,000 or more in total.
That kind of wasteful spending is just for the man’s own satisfaction.
Wouldn’t it be smarter to just give that money to her instead…?
Why do men spend so lavishly on things that are ultimately pointless?
Because even if they aren’t actually enjoying themselves with the girl, they can still feel satisfied by the sense of luxury.
You could even say they’ve given up on making the girl enjoy herself.
I think they keep wasting money because they don’t know whether the girl is actually having fun or wants any of it.
“If you’re going to spend ¥30,000 on a meal, just give me the money… We could eat at McDonald’s for all I care… Don’t you get it??” That’s what girls are really thinking, right?
“Right?” “Isn’t that so?”
What else can you even say besides “Yeah” or “Exactly”? Don’t ask questions like that!!
How many times are you going to ask me every single time?
Enough already—stop asking…
I can’t take it anymore. I just want to cry. For goodness’ sake, figure it out already!
There’s a limit to how badly you can misunderstand things~~~!
That’s my rant. Anyway, let’s move on to the next one!
There’s a limit to how long you can keep putting on an act.
But when did “¥200,000 a month, four times” somehow turn into these long overnight stays every time?
It’s important to understand that a man’s misunderstanding can keep growing because he remains completely oblivious to the other person’s feelings. No matter what you say, and even if you act a little cold, he interprets it in the best possible way and lets the misunderstanding grow bigger and bigger.
Otherwise, it becomes difficult to know when to end things.
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