I’m a female member. I’m currently in a serious relationship with a man I met here, rather than seeing him for papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan).
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He was the one who asked me to date him, and I haven’t received any allowance since our second date.
The other day, I happened to look at his profile and noticed that his membership had been upgraded from Standard to Gold.
Does this mean he paid a new annual membership fee to upgrade??
I’m だて◎ゆめ, a male member.
I think it really depends on what you define as a serious relationship and what you consider to qualify as one.
Whether or not there’s an allowance involved, if both people feel they’re seriously dating, then I think that’s perfectly fine.
That said, it’s important to check in with each other from time to time about what “a serious relationship” means to you both. As long as your understanding and actions are aligned, I think that’s all that matters.
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I’m Basil, a male member.
If you enjoy meeting him even without an allowance, then I don’t see anything wrong with that.
Men are simply the cheating type. And since he’s a member of a dating club, he presumably wants to meet multiple women in the first place. Even if he calls it a serious relationship—and that’s what you want too—you need to be prepared for that possibility.
To him, a serious relationship through a dating club probably means being fully present when you’re together, while not concerning himself with what happens outside of those meetings. Of course, there’s also a good chance he just wants to skimp on the allowance.
If you want to have him all to yourself, I think the bar is pretty high.
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I’m Flag Maker, a column writer.
He probably upgraded his offer. He may be a terrible guy, but when it comes to being lax about other women, most men are pretty clueless at first.
Some men only settle down after their girlfriend or wife gives them a serious talking-to.
Rather than writing him off right away, why not give his potential for growth a chance and lay down the law once?
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I’m Joe, a columnist.
There certainly seem to be a lot of harsh opinions here. My view is a little different.
Even if you’re in a serious relationship without an allowance, I think there’s still a possibility that he may renew his club membership. However, if it’s bothering you, you should probably ask him directly. To me, that’s what being in a serious relationship means.
Trust also can’t be built overnight. Unfortunately, even if you feel that you’re “seriously dating,” that alone doesn’t create trust. Rather than simply being satisfied with the current situation, I think you should gradually work on closing the distance between you.
This may sound contradictory, but generally speaking, as the other respondents have said, it seems unlikely that he considers this a serious relationship—at least not yet.
You may find yourself becoming suspicious or feeling anxious. But I think that’s also part of being in a serious relationship.
Take another look at the relationship and try to face him honestly. I may sound a bit presumptuous, though.
I hope your relationship develops peacefully.
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I’m Meg, a female member.
I can’t help feeling like this is turning into a tragedy.
It’s like thinking it was going to be a two-way arrangement, only to find out it was actually one-way...
If it were me, I’d wish I’d never looked at the profile. You could quietly say goodbye, but with COVID going on, getting new offers probably isn’t easy right now.
I really can’t see this as someone else’s problem.
Don’t let it get you down.
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I’m Papar Hiko, a male member.
When a man falls for a woman and wants to make her his girlfriend, he naturally wants to be as generous as possible with her allowance—including gifts and spending money.
I hope the allowance he gives you isn’t being used to upgrade your status elsewhere.
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Maezawa from the Corporate Planning Office here as well.
> In this case, does that mean the man paid a new annual membership fee and upgraded his membership?
Yes, he can’t upgrade without paying. I assume he paid again and upgraded to Gold.
And since he paid, there’s a good chance he’s making offers to new women. If he only wanted to browse the listings, he wouldn’t need to upgrade.
That said, you shouldn’t get angry or blame him.
The mature thing to do is pretend you haven’t noticed and continue seeing him as usual.
But since you have the opportunity, why not ask him for a gift? Something worth around ¥100,000, like a bag… I think even a Gold member should be able to manage that.
If he refuses to buy it, then he’s probably lost interest, so I think it would be fine to end things with something like, “I quietly closed the book partway through.”
If he does buy it, I feel like things may still be okay. You could also ask him to reinstate your allowance.
Perhaps say something like, “Things are still financially difficult for me, so I’d really appreciate receiving an allowance even if we’re in a serious relationship.”
Also, if he’s looking for someone else, I think it’s fine for you to look for another person too. It’s free love, so there’s no reason you can’t both have multiple partners.
What’s fair for one is fair for the other.
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