I’d appreciate your honest opinions.
He liked me during our dinner date, so we made plans for the next one.
When we discussed the terms, he said:
“I’d like an adult relationship, for 30,000 yen.
Condoms are a no-go because I’m sterile, so without one.
I’m serious and only want to see one person.”
He wants to have sex without a condom with someone young enough to be his daughter, for 30,000 yen—and then says he’s serious about only seeing one person?
What do you think?
Is this normal?
I’m BB7, a male member.
I think the questioner posted this out of anger and frustration, but I don’t know whether it’s normal or not since I haven’t conducted any kind of survey.
“You’re very attractive, and even though I’m infertile and can’t use condoms, you’re okay with 30,000 yen? And you’re seriously only seeing one person? I’m happy.”
If that’s how you feel, just say yes.
“What? You can date someone like me, who’s around your daughter’s age, but you’re only offering 30,000 yen without a condom? So what if you’re seriously only seeing one person? Don’t mess with me!”
If that’s how you feel, just say no.
That’s all there is to it.
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This is Joe, a column writer.
I think you’ve already found your answer simply by asking this question. You clearly feel that these terms are unacceptable. The opening words, “This is just a complaint,” say it all. I’m not making fun of you. Men and women may differ in how they feel about wanting someone to listen to their complaints, but I believe I understand where you’re coming from.
That said, dating clubs vary greatly from case to case, so general market rates aren’t always as reliable as you might expect. Still, if you’re not satisfied, all that’s left is to decline.
I hope you have a wonderful new encounter.
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I’m Meg, a female member.
No, no, no, no—doesn’t that seem strange to you?
I suppose it depends on what kind of person he is, though.
Why not say something like this to him?
“Thank you for taking me out for such an enjoyable dinner date the other day.
Regarding our next meeting, you mentioned that you would prefer to go without protection, but I’m feeling a little uneasy about that as well.
I’m sorry to ask, but would you be willing to show me proof of your test results?
Also, regarding my preferred terms for an adult relationship (intimate), I would like to ask for 50,000 yen.
I realize I’m asking for quite a lot, but I have to protect myself, so I hope you’ll understand.”
If you put it that way, he might just leave on his own pretty quickly. What do you think?
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
I don’t think an arrangement will last long if neither person’s wishes are being met.
Regardless of the allowance, he doesn’t seem to have any interest in understanding or fulfilling what the woman wants, so you’d probably be better off looking for someone who makes more of an effort to understand women’s feelings.
When you’re about to enter into an adult relationship, if the man starts by listing his terms, I doubt it will last long. It also gives me the impression that he hasn’t had many successful experiences himself.
With a man like that, there also seems to be a high chance that your next meeting could lead to trouble or an argument.
The fact that he sent one-sided terms upfront may be the result of bad experiences in the past. If he were confident that things would go well, he would be relaxed enough to listen to what the woman wants, so there would be no need for him to state his terms first.
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I’m Date◎Yume, a male member.
I only have one partner, so I’m sure there are others in the same situation.
That said, I think most men don’t want to do anything their partner is uncomfortable with, so it’s best to be honest and say how you feel. You’re both looking for good value for your time and money.
But when it comes to anything dangerous, don’t do it—and don’t push yourself or put up with things you’re uncomfortable with. That should be the stance.
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Maezawa from the Corporate Planning Office here as well.
Everyone is different, so I don’t think there’s much point in trying to figure out what’s “normal.”
What matters is whether you personally feel okay with it.
If you feel those terms won’t work for you, you can simply decline. If you’d be okay with it if the financial compensation were higher, you can tell them that too.
What each person is and isn’t comfortable with varies.
What’s important is to make sure you’re genuinely satisfied with your decision and won’t regret it.
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I’m Flagmaker, a column writer.
It’s hard to say that it’s “not normal,” since some women may accept unprotected adult relationships for personal reasons.
But from the questioner’s perspective, you need to consider whether unprotected sex with this particular man is worth the allowance offered for ③. If it isn’t worth it, I think your only option is to decline.
I’m not sure whether he was just asking on the off chance, but it seems like quite a few men make requests like that. In papa-katsu, it’s probably also important to practice negotiating and finding a compromise that works for both sides.
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I’m Basil, a male member.
Rather than being average, I’d say this is the absolute bare minimum.
You should decide based on the overall situation—whether you need the money, or whether you’re drawn to something else about him despite that.
As you probably realize, things like “I’m sterile” or “I’m seriously only seeing one person” are practically bottom-tier excuses. He’s only saying them because he wants you to accept his demands.
I imagine his thinking is: “She’s acceptable, though I wouldn’t say I’m especially interested. Since I already paid for the first date, I might as well take a chance and see if she’ll accept these convenient terms even once. If she does, great.”
If he were genuinely interested, he’d probably offer terms that would be easier for you to accept.
There’s a chance that a cash-strapped, supposedly sterile man may have misunderstood the situation and be looking for a serious relationship, but I think that possibility is virtually nonexistent.
By the way, is “seriously only seeing one person” something he’s demanding of you as well?
Depending on your personality and appearance, if it were an exclusive arrangement with no condom for 30, I’d even want to date you myself—with a little extra added on top.
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