I’m the person who posted, “The man I’ve been seeing for three years won’t even tell me his real name.” I told him how I felt, saying, “I’m shocked.” This was his reply:
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“Even if you didn’t reveal my identity, there’s still a possibility that information could leak from somewhere else. It’s not that I don’t trust you.
Also, I feel guilty toward my family, so by using a fake name and pretending to be someone else, I can tell myself that this is just a dream world and ease my guilt.
After what happened, I started thinking that perhaps we could continue seeing each other without an adult relationship (intimate). That way, I wouldn’t feel guilty. For now, how about we go to a movie and have dinner next time, without intimacy? We could discuss everything in detail then.”
I’m extremely happy that he said he wanted to continue seeing me even without intimacy. I also realized how much he values his family, which made me like him even more.
I had assumed he wouldn’t tell me his real name because he didn’t have feelings for me and wanted to be able to end things at any time. But I now understand that, rather, he can’t tell me because he likes me and is tormented by guilt toward his family.
At the moment, we’ve both left the service and aren’t seeing anyone else. I think that’s simply his personality—he’s too kind to treat anyone carelessly, so he only gets involved with people he feels he can properly take care of.
I’m glad I didn’t trample on his kindness by impulsively saying, “If you won’t tell me, then we’re through!”
Thank you all for your various pieces of advice and for helping me cool my head. I’m sorry this ended up being more of an update than a question.
I’m だて◎ゆめ, a male member.
Everyone has given such wonderful answers.
Even I’m starting to get confused about what’s what（笑）
How do you define “to begin with” and “ideally”?
Where do you place yourself in all this?
Depending on that, I feel the answers can change—slightly, or even significantly.
I hope you’ll stick to your own style.
Just be careful not to get into conflicts with your dating partner.
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I’m Column Writer and Adventurer.
I think it’s wonderful when meeting through a dating club develops into a serious romantic relationship, and I’d like to have that kind of relationship myself.
That said, I’d like the person who asked this question to recognize once again that, up until now, this has essentially been an affair.
I don’t think affairs are necessarily wrong, but…
If you focus only on the fact that you met through a dating club and fell genuinely in love, I feel that the fact you were having an affair may end up being swept into the shadows.
I once had someone I saw for dinner only, but it wasn’t really because I was being considerate of her—it was more that I felt the allowance had become a waste.
Will your partner continue supporting you with the same amount even if you stop being intimate?
Financial support is the fundamental premise of a dating club arrangement. If that premise is weakened, then even if they tell you, “I really love you”…well…
I can’t help thinking: That’s not quite right.
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Maezawa from the Corporate Planning Office here as well.
I’m not entirely sure whether meeting for dinner only was the right choice for both of you, but if she feels good about it, then there’s no problem.
I’m glad it turned into a good relationship.
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I’m Flag Maker, a columnist.
I’m guessing your thinking is something along the lines of, “If it’s only dinner, it doesn’t count as cheating, so I’d be okay revealing my real name and some personal information if we’re just seeing each other for dinner.”
When you meet, I assume you’ll discuss how you want to continue things. But given the questioner’s current mindset, there’s also a possibility that they’ll end up asking too much of the man, and the relationship will end there. So if you want to continue seeing him, my advice is that you need to stay calm and keep some perspective.
I’m still friends with the woman who appeared in my column “The Day I Became a Woman,” and we continue to meet for dinner only. But when this subject came up, she clearly told me, “If you’re not okay with that, I’ll go look for someone else—someone to marry.” She’s very firm about those things, so I thought dinner only might be fine.
I never expected her to find a boyfriend and get married so quickly, though（笑）.
If all I’d had was “I like you, so I want to continue this relationship,” we would have parted ways.
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
That’s great to hear. It sounds like the wonderful time you share together may continue.
The only thing left is deciding what to do about the allowance arrangement, if there has been one up to now.
P.S. To be honest, I think that when a man shifts to a relationship without sex, it may mean that being asked about it made him extremely wary and scared, and he’s relieved that he hadn’t told you much before; he wants to end things with the woman as soon as possible, but since he can’t erase the past, he has no choice but to make a soft landing.
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