I’m the one who asked about a curious man finding out my address. I also asked whether I should break things off afterward. Thank you all so much for your many opinions. The comment that I might be making him feel anxious really made me stop and think. It was advice I may be able to apply to future relationships as well, and I read through all the advice from everyone else too.
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The man is married, but I can tell that he genuinely cares about me.
That makes me happy, but he repeatedly tells me to quit the club, and constantly messages me asking, “What are you doing now?” “What’s the situation?” “Are you cheating?” and “Is there another man?” His possessiveness feels like a burden.
However, he knows my full name, my parents’ address, and my workplace, so I do think it would be unwise to provoke him.
Even if I decide to end things, do you think I should clearly tell him that I’m uncomfortable with his possessiveness?
Also, it seems like the man has quit the club. If something happens in this situation, what should I do?
Sorry that this overlaps with my previous question. I’m reposting partly to say thank you, so I’d be grateful if you could simply take the time to read it!
Joe is usually pretty direct when it comes to questions like this.
But since the man in question seems extremely obsessive, you also need to prepare for anything unexpected. The options Joe can think of are:
1. Consult the police
2. Consult a lawyer
3. Ask Hitoshi Ozawa for help
According to a friend who works in law enforcement, if the police give them a warning, apparently 95% of people back off. The problem is the remaining 5%, though.
Sorry this wasn’t much of an answer.
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I’m だて◎ゆめ, a male member.
Basically, the club’s role is simply to introduce women to male members. After that, I believe the relationship is between the two people who were introduced. That doesn’t mean the club won’t do anything at all, but its involvement would probably have to be limited to offering advice and the like.
Based on what’s happened so far, I agree with BB7’s suggestion. Why not try saying, “I appreciate that you care about me, but I don’t like being controlled”? I think it would be best to explain that, since this is a relationship through a dating club, you want it to be mutually beneficial for both of you.
After that, it might be a good idea to gradually create some distance, since there’s a risk things could flare up again.
If anything like persistent following or harassment occurs, you may have no choice but to ask the police for help. Men also have families, jobs, and other considerations, so they probably won’t pursue you relentlessly—but it’s still important to take precautions.
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I’m Flag Maker, a column writer.
If anything happens, this is a matter for the police. Stalking is a crime.
By the way, do you know the person’s address or workplace? I believe you’ll need identifying information about them to file a police report.
For reference, it seems the following information is needed when reporting stalking. You may not be able to obtain these details once the relationship has deteriorated.
Date and time of the incident: Year ○○, month ○○, day ○○, at ○○
Location of the incident: Front entrance of my home
Nature of the crime: Article 2, Paragraph 1, Item 1 of the Anti-Stalking Act (the person has been following me and rings my doorbell and tries to talk to me when I return home)
Suspect’s name: May be unknown
Suspect’s address: May be unknown
Description of the suspect: (gender, age, height, weight, clothing, means of transportation, belongings, words and conduct, actions, etc.)
Any other information known about the suspect
Recent circumstances leading up to the incident: When you first noticed something unusual, any changes, and so on
Other details of the incident: At around ○○ on Year ○○, month ○○, day ○○, while returning home from work, I was on my way from ○○ Station…
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Maezawa from the Business Planning Office here as well.
> It seems the man has left the club. If something happens, what should I do?
If anything happens, you should consult the police right away.
That said, they may not take action if you only ask for advice, since they can simply say that they listened to your concern. If you want them to act immediately, you’ll need to follow the proper formal procedures, such as filing an official report of the incident.
Before that, though, you should confirm whether he has really left the club. You could ask the club something like:
“I’m having trouble because of something this man has done. Would it be possible for you to discreetly pass this message on to him through the club?”
If he has left, they will probably let you know.
It may sound indirect, but if you ask outright, “Has he really left the club?” they may have to respond, “We can’t answer that.” So I think you’ll need to phrase it indirectly.
> Do you think I should clearly tell him that I don’t like being controlled?
It might complicate things if you say it when you’re ending the relationship, but I think it would be worth bringing it up once before then.
I don’t think he’ll change, but there’s a chance he may at least become somewhat more considerate.
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I’m a BB7 male member.
There are so many cases where possessiveness leads to a breakup because women dislike being controlled, so why do so many men still act that way?
They’re probably insecure, afraid, and don’t want to lose the woman—but it only makes things worse. Some women do enjoy being controlled, but those women tend to have emotionally unstable traits, so they’re generally best avoided.
As for that man, judging from his words and actions, he seems extremely possessive and lovesick.
If he still has even a little rationality left, telling him, “I want to continue our relationship, but I don’t like being controlled,” might lead to some improvement. But if you suddenly say, “I’m breaking up with you because I hate being controlled. Goodbye,” he might lash out, cling to you, or cause all kinds of trouble.
That said, he’s married and presumably has a job and a respectable social position, so once some time passes after the breakup, he should be able to regain his composure. Right now, I think he’s simply become so caught up in you that he’s lost his head.
You don’t necessarily have to make it about breaking up. Why not try telling him once, “I’m happy that you care about me, but I don’t like being controlled”? Then you can reconsider based on how he reacts.
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