When I asked about the allowance over LINE, the person I’d been seeing long-term suddenly stopped contacting me.
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We had been messaging every day, and he was the only papa (a male supporter) I was seeing. We always met on a pay-per-meeting basis, sometimes staying overnight and sometimes meeting for the day. He had also said he wanted to take a trip together, and we’d been planning it, so I was really looking forward to it.
But when I asked over LINE what we should do about the allowance for the trip, he stopped replying.
Looking back, I wonder if I should have asked him in person instead...
He’s the only person I see, and because of my job I only get one or two days off a month, so my free time is very precious to me. I fully understand that he already gives me a generous allowance for our usual meetings, but since traveling together would be a first for me, I didn’t know how it worked and reached out to ask.
I’d like to keep seeing him, and we were supposed to meet tomorrow, but I’m sad that he suddenly stopped replying.
Do you think it’s better to discuss the allowance in person rather than over LINE?
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂20s👑Universe female member
I get the impression that there are quite a few men who don’t like being asked about an allowance for a trip.
That’s probably because they see the trip itself as a gift for the woman (and traveling does cost money). So when she brings up an allowance, they may feel as if they were saying, “If you accept this gift, how much allowance will you give me?” when they were simply trying to give her a present.
From the woman’s perspective, though, I think it’s less about whether it’s a trip and more about the idea that she receives an allowance whenever she goes on a date. In that sense, her feelings seem perfectly reasonable.
That said, in a situation like this, it defeats the purpose, so I think it’s worth considering various ways to handle it.
The best option might be to gently turn down the trip. Of course, if he’s only interested in traveling, that would end things there—but I feel that men whose sole purpose is the trip make up less than 1%. For the other 99%, I suspect they want to travel for some other reason, such as having grown closer to you.
The next-best option is, of course, to ask him directly, as you did this time. However, simply asking over LINE isn’t really any different from just asking outright.
I think one of the biggest advantages of speaking Japanese face-to-face is that you can change your conclusion partway through while watching the other person’s expression. For example:
“When it comes to an allowance for the trip…” (watch his expression)
“About the allowance…” (observe him even more carefully)
If you feel things are going badly, you can change direction and say something like:
“I hear that people who ask for money are disliked. But I think traveling with you, Mr. ○, would be fun in itself, and I’m really looking forward to it.” (Then, of course, don’t actually go.)
Being able to change what you say midway like that seems to be the biggest advantage.
In that sense, I don’t think asking over LINE is ideal.
That said, I also find myself wondering: what have you been paying attention to during your relationship so far?
If you had been paying close attention to your conversations with him, you might have been able to tell whether he was the kind of person you could safely ask about an allowance.
I’m sure there are many difficult aspects to this, but do your best.
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Whether it’s over LINE or in person, I don’t want to talk about the allowance amount or anything like that.
It’d be like saying: “At the entrance gate to Disneyland, Mickey is handling cash payments and counting the money right in front of you.” Is that the kind of analogy?
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Hmm, this may sound harsh, but it seems like you were cut off immediately.
I do the same when someone starts making things complicated, so that’s probably what happened here.
It sounds like the questioner’s papa (a male supporter) only intended to pay his usual pay-per-meeting allowance, even for the trip.
Since going on the trip would probably only have left you feeling conflicted, try to look at it positively—you found out beforehand. Move on to the next one!
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Well, hindsight is 20/20, but even if you’d met him and said it in person, there’s a chance it still would have ended. Maybe the papa (a male supporter) wanted to break things off, and this simply gave him a reason to do it.
He was probably a fantasy papa who assumed the trip wouldn’t come with any allowance in the first place.
If you’d gone on the trip without an allowance, it would have been painful for someone as realistic as you.
If he hadn’t wanted to end things, he probably would have immediately replied with something like, “How much allowance would you want for the trip?” So maybe the relationship itself was already on shaky ground.
If you can’t meet again, wait for an offer from a new papa. On to the next one! papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) isn’t something you should keep doing while both of you are left feeling uneasy. The papa is paying, and the women are putting up with things in the first place, haha.
For the sake of your mental health, it’s probably best to at least keep everything else clear and straightforward, haha.
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I understand how you feel, and I can also understand how your papa feels.
I think your papa was able to give you money by convincing himself that “we’re not in some cheap relationship held together by money alone.” Otherwise, he would have felt miserable. But then you asked about the money—the one thing you really shouldn’t have asked about. Sadly, I think things are over with that papa. You ended up cutting off his last hope: the belief that your relationship wasn’t about money.
It was an expensive lesson. Try to make the most of it next time.
I never go on trips unless I’m invited. Absolutely never. You can see these kinds of problems coming from a mile away.
Just recently, a challenger appeared to my eternal top two: my ace and my queen. She’s an incredibly attractive girl—an actual angel. I made a monthly arrangement with her, and traveling came up in conversation too. I know it would be difficult to handle, so all I’ve said is, “If there’s somewhere you’d like to go, invite me.”
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For me, it doesn’t make much difference whether you ask in person or over LINE. I’m not offended if you ask about the allowance—it’s only natural from a PJ’s perspective.
If asked, I tell them, “¥50,000 per night.” But if they then ask for more, I lose interest and cancel the trip altogether—or go with someone else.
Basically, I’m fine with confirming the amount, but I won’t negotiate. They can either accept it or decline. Of course, if they don’t accept, they may end up being someone I cut ties with.
In any case, simply asking to confirm the amount is totally fine.
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Yes, I also believe it’s best to discuss the allowance directly.
Unfortunately, one of the harsh realities of this lifestyle is that even after seeing someone for a long time, the relationship can end in an instant.
And the better the person, the harder they are to find.
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I don’t think it really matters whether you discuss the allowance in person or over LINE. However, if the woman is worried about the allowance and starts becoming suspicious, perhaps the two of them were already viewing the relationship and its terms differently.
You could also see the allowance as a way to avoid leaving unresolved feelings behind. I think it would be best to view this as a positive goodbye, while being grateful for the relationship you shared, and to seek out new and wonderful encounters as a step toward becoming an even better version of yourself. The more wonderful people you meet, the more you grow on the inside as well.
To do that, there are times when you need to be proactive about meeting people. On the other hand, I feel that men can become more arrogant the more people they meet. I’ll be careful not to become arrogant myself. I hope you find someone wonderful.
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If he asks about the allowance on LINE, all you have to do is answer.
The man names an amount, and the woman either says okay or not. If she doesn’t, they can negotiate or decide not to go ahead—that’s basically where things stand.
It’s simple, so perhaps the man himself—or his perception of women—made things more complicated than they needed to be. He may have thought the woman was only interested in money.
With negotiations, it’s better to settle even the things that are hard to bring up while things are going well. You left that part vague, and it ended up becoming awkward.
Why didn’t you simply say, “I’d like this much,” yourself? It seems things would have been clearer if you had straightforwardly named the amount you had in mind—perhaps twice what you usually receive for dating, including an adult relationship.
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