About two years ago, a papa I’ve had a close relationship with rented an apartment for me. The lease is in my name, and I receive the rent and an allowance from him.
Since around last year, due to personal circumstances, I moved back in with my family, so I was only using the apartment when I met this papa. However, I wanted a particular car, and he agreed to buy it for me. He then told me that, since he would reduce my allowance by the amount of the rent, I should cancel the lease if I wasn’t using the apartment.
But while I was waiting for the car to be delivered, my circumstances changed and I decided to move out of my family’s home again. So I told him I wanted to move back into the apartment and keep it, while paying the rent myself.
He said that was different from what we had agreed on, and that if I kept the apartment, there would be no car. He also said that since it would put him under financial strain, he didn’t know what he might do, and even said that we might as well break up. I do have a regular job and other papas, though.
We were also planning to start a business together this year, but he said he couldn’t work with someone who keeps changing their mind.
Why is it a problem when I’m going to have my allowance reduced by the amount of the rent in exchange for him buying me the car?
I don’t understand, and we’re currently fighting.
He had wanted a spare key, but I never gave him one. Could that be what upset him?
Why should he be allowed to dictate where I live?
I want the car, so I guess I have no choice but to say I’m moving out and secretly move into another place, right?
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂30s👑Universe female member
I don’t know how sincerely you explained things to the other person, but I can understand their opinion that they can’t work with someone whose views change so often. In reality, you’ve changed not just your opinion, but your wishes as well.
Have you told them that you’re seeing someone else? I don’t know what you discussed when they arranged the place for you, but if you never mentioned your other partner, it’s only natural for them to assume that things would become financially difficult for you.
It sounds to me like your partner isn’t trying to dictate where you live; rather, they’re upset because you haven’t reached a sufficient mutual understanding. The fact that you’re saying you’ll move out while secretly moving into another place also suggests that you have no intention of reaching an agreement with them.
Besides, moving out and moving into another property amount to the same thing, so I don’t really understand why you would keep it a secret.
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There’s no point expecting rationality in relationships between men and women. Sounds like that papa (a male supporter) got offended.
Also, if the car is registered in your name, it can’t be written off as a business expense by your papa’s company, so covering the payments will be tough. And you’ll also have to pay the gift tax yourself.
Either way, I think you’re going to get cut loose, so figure out what you want to gain and what you’re willing to give up, then make a plan. If you don’t want him to drop you, serve him with your body—men get over their bad moods quickly if you moan loudly and really go at it.
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I think he was gradually losing interest and just happened to find a convenient excuse to cut things off.
When he talked about going into business together, he probably meant that he’d provide the funding or something, right? For the questioner, it may have been a dream, but to the man, it was probably nothing more than a sweet topic for pillow talk—like dessert after the main course. If he were serious about the business, he wouldn’t say he was “putting a stop to it” over something like that.
Or perhaps, if you were going to become business partners, this was the opening move in a power struggle over who would be the boss. “I’m above you, so just say yes to everything I tell you.” Maybe you’re currently on a trial period and he’s watching how you react.
In an actual organization, two people trying to steer the ship usually doesn’t work, so it’s important to establish who’s above whom. If you don’t like that kind of dynamic, you shouldn’t consider going into business with your papa (a male supporter) in the first place.
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> Why isn’t it okay if he deducts the rent allowance because he’s buying me a car?
Isn’t “I don’t know what she’ll end up doing if money gets tight” actually what he really means?
In other words, he decided it would be fine to buy you a car if you moved back in with your family, since your living situation would be stable.
But if you live alone, of course it costs money—not just living expenses, but also the car’s maintenance, gas, taxes, insurance, and so on. Naturally, you’ll end up short on money.
And once you’re short, you’ll start doing various things to earn more.
If that’s the concern, then it would be better not to buy you the car.
That’s probably the reasoning behind it.
> I want the car, so I guess I have no choice but to say I’m moving out and secretly move into another place, right?
That may be where things settle, but eventually he’ll find out and the relationship will probably end.
When that happens, most men will start saying things like, “Give back what I bought you,” which doesn’t really make sense. Once something is given to someone, it becomes their property; you only need to return something you borrowed.
You should make sure you have a solid plan for dealing with that now.
That said, I actually feel that the man’s point may be the more reasonable one. I recommend thinking about how you’ll cover your living expenses and the cost of maintaining the car.
It does sound like you may end up taking a night job, though—and if you do, your existing papa probably won’t be happy about it.
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It sounds like you’ve already reached a conclusion, so I don’t think there’s a problem—but moving out is a must.
Also, if you don’t like being told what to do, the simple solution is to stop accepting financial support altogether. Regardless of the amount, it’s unreasonable to expect the person providing the support not to have any say.
Both parties will have things they’re unwilling to compromise on when building a relationship, so if you’re not compatible, the only option is to part ways. Trying to change the other person’s mindset will only wear you out.
I hope this helps.
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