There’s no one I can talk to about this, so I’d like to ask for advice here. I have a papa (a male supporter) who is 10 years older than me. We meet once or twice a month, and I receive an allowance. He messages me on LINE constantly throughout the day, saying things like, “I want to see you,” “This is what I want to do next time,” and “When and what time can you meet?”
The adult relationship (intimate) is fairly standard, he doesn’t do anything I dislike, and it doesn’t last long, so that part doesn’t bother me. But recently, he’s started messaging things like, “Would you still see me if I stopped giving you an allowance?” “Would you stop seeing me if I ran out of money?” “I want to spend more time together,” and “I want us to be together all day.” He also says he wants to see me without an allowance on days when there’s no adult relationship. He repeatedly sends and then unsends these messages, and tells me every day that he worked overtime or that he needs to earn money. Honestly, it’s exhausting.
I have no intention of seeing him without an allowance. Is there a way to tell him that without offending him?
By the way, he says we split the bill for meals.
Judging from your message, it sounds like this papa (a male supporter) has seriously lost sight of appropriate boundaries.
Getting LINE messages from him all day, every day, and receiving messages like:
“Would you still see me if I stopped giving you an allowance?”
“Would you stop seeing me if I ran out of money?”
“I want to spend the whole day with you.”
“On days without an adult relationship (intimate), I want you to see me without an allowance.”
Then sending and retracting those messages—honestly, that’s a huge emotional burden, so it’s completely understandable that you’re exhausted.
The important thing is that you already have a clear stance: you have no intention of seeing him without an allowance. That isn’t cold or unreasonable at all. It’s a perfectly natural boundary in this kind of relationship.
If you want to communicate it without creating unnecessary conflict, I think it would be best to calmly present it as your policy rather than as an emotional reaction:
“In papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), I view our time together and our relationship as being based on receiving an allowance. I do value the emotional side of things, but I can’t continue seeing you if the terms change.”
If he still refuses to understand or keeps repeating things that try to make you feel guilty, then unfortunately, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.
It’s not that he “doesn’t understand”; he simply “doesn’t want to understand.” You don’t need to spend any more energy on someone like that.
You seem like the kind of person who naturally attracts others, which may be why he’s gotten the wrong idea and become overly attached. But you don’t need to stay with someone who drains you. There are surely other people who are more emotionally mature and can properly respect both your feelings and the terms of the arrangement.
Rather than continuing to soften the message out of kindness, making your boundaries clear will ultimately lead to the most peaceful outcome.
Please choose what protects your own peace of mind.
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LOL.
If it can’t become a romantic relationship, isn’t breaking up your only option?
If you’re okay with ending things, tell him clearly, “I’m not interested in dating without an allowance.”
Men aren’t as good as women at picking up on hints, so if you don’t communicate it clearly, you may gradually start feeling miserable later on.
It’ll be tough, but hang in there.
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Rather than responding to “Let me have sex with you for free,” subtly bring up that you’re short on money in a completely unrelated part of the conversation.
For example, mention that a parent hasn’t been well or that you have several million yen in student loans to repay.
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In that case, you should keep replying that you’re also struggling financially and don’t have much money. Just be careful—if you lie, it could be considered fraud and get you arrested by the police. As long as you stay within the bounds of truth, tell them you’re having trouble covering living expenses or tuition—anything that helps you hold your ground. If that still doesn’t work, you may have no choice but to say goodbye.
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I’m not sure whether they just want attention or have genuinely fallen for you, but if someone’s mental state has deteriorated that badly, I think it’s best to cut ties quickly. Nothing you say will make a difference.
I’d simply tell them, “If we can’t continue the arrangement with the allowance we agreed on from the start, then I won’t be able to see you anymore.”
If they lash out, I recommend blocking them immediately.
Hope this helps.
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You may have to be ten times as harsh with men like that, and it still might not get through to them at all.
They twist everything to fit their own convenient interpretation, so whether they leave your messages unread or mark them as read, the only option is to ignore them completely. If you reply, they’ll distort your words, which will only encourage even more one-sided contact.
Honestly, ending things is the best option.
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Regarding the allowance, I think it’s fine to say something like, “We’re meeting on the understanding that I’ll receive an allowance, so I’d like to keep things as they have been,” and “I’ll be busy for a while, so I may not be able to reply to LINE messages right away,” then mute the notifications and leave it alone for the time being.
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With LINE’s paid plan, you can now unsend messages without leaving any trace. I learned that repeatedly unsending messages can also be used to pressure someone.
Personally, I ignore messages from people who constantly unsend things—at least at the notification stage. Your papa (a male supporter) is probably sending and unsending them repeatedly assuming you’ve already seen the notifications. Since the words he deleted probably weren’t his true feelings anyway, why not just leave them alone?
Kindly tell him: “If you have something to say, say it to my face. If you’re only going to unsend it, don’t send it in the first place.”
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Even in regular dating, there are times when you want to end things without hurting the other person, or when you’ve been confessed to and want to say no without hurting them. But I feel like the bar is lower in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) when it comes to situations like that.
If I had to say, she seems to be quite emotionally invested in you, so I understand why you’re having trouble. If you make it clear that you’re struggling, she may feel guilty about causing problems for someone she likes, which could make her behavior lessen.
Either way, I think it would be best to tell her that you can no longer meet because you’re moving away or for some other unavoidable reason. You could also say that you’ve found an important boyfriend or are getting married, then block her.
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