I have a question about a potential partner I’m currently in contact with.
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We first met last spring for lunch. We both got busy, so some time passed, and we met again for a meal in July. We’re planning to meet again soon so I can give her the clothes she said she wanted.
I’d like to move beyond dinner only (no intimacy), so I asked whether she felt the same way. She replied that it would depend on the terms of the arrangement and that she’d want to get to know me better first.
Is it fair to assume that she’s indirectly turning me down?
Thank you for your question.
Maezawa will answer as well.
You met last spring, then again this July, and the next time will be soon—October, perhaps? That’s quite a long gap between meetings.
First of all, it seems you haven’t met the “becoming closer” part of the terms yet. That said, depending on the terms, it does sound like your wish might still come true even without meeting that condition. However, I get the feeling the terms would have to be quite high in that case.
Would it be an allowance of 100,000 yen or more?
As for buying you clothes, I think that would be part of the conditions for becoming closer, separate from the allowance, so it sounds like it could cost you quite a bit.
> Should I take this as an indirect rejection?
You can probably tell whether you’re being rejected by asking what terms he wants. If he says over 1 million yen, I’d take that as an indirect rejection. But if his requested terms are around 100,000 yen, it seems possible that you may still be able to make it work.
That said, this idea of “becoming closer + meeting certain terms” is quite similar to the customs of Yoshiwara during the Edo period.
① First, you had to spend lavishly at a teahouse.
② At the first meeting, the courtesan would sit away from the customer and neither speak nor eat or drink with him. The customer would be evaluated, and if he was deemed unsuitable, he could not continue seeing her. He had to invite many geisha and spend extravagantly to demonstrate his wealth.
③ The second meeting was basically the same as the first.
④ It was only at the third meeting that he finally became a regular. A tray and chopsticks bearing his name would be prepared, and he would pay a celebratory “regular’s fee.” Normally, it was only at the third meeting that they would finally become intimate.
Not being able to have H from the first meeting unless you’ve become close first has been a longstanding custom.（笑）
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They’re not really interested in you, huh?
If you want to move things beyond dinner, you need to create an atmosphere where they feel you might be someone they’d be willing to respond to before making a move.
Since you’ve left things untouched since last spring, assume the hurdle is even higher now.
Also, giving someone the gift they say they want won’t necessarily have much effect.
People often have trouble putting what they truly want into words, and many don’t even realize it themselves.
Meet them just for dinner two or three times and figure out from the conversation what they really want.
If you can do that, you might still have a chance.
It’s me.
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I don’t think she dislikes me either, but I don’t feel that we’ve really gotten comfortable with each other—or agreed on the terms.
Since this time there are two things to work on—getting along and settling the terms—it may take a little time. How about inviting her again sometime this winter?
If she still says she’d like to get along and discuss the terms, you could try inviting her again around next spring.
Sounds fun, doesn’t it?（笑）
Give it your best shot, and I’ll look forward to hearing how it goes.
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If she’s still in contact with you, hasn’t she technically not rejected you?
If she really didn’t want anything to do with you, she’d block you.
Personally, she sounds like more trouble than she’s worth, so I’d move on and find a woman who’s willing to accept an adult relationship (intimate) without all the hassle.
But if you think she’s worth pursuing that much, then by all means, give it a shot.
Though I get a strong feeling she plans to take you for all you’re worth and then say no to an adult relationship (intimate).
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You’re simply not meeting often enough.
Before blaming women in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) for being cold, take a good look at yourself.
Of course, money matters, but unless she can feel a certain level of genuine enthusiasm from you, even a woman in papa-katsu isn’t going to open her legs that easily.
In other words, you’re just bad at making your move. Did you actually compliment her properly—telling her she’s cute or that you like her—before discussing the terms?
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Read between the lines.
I don’t think the woman asking this question is interested in anything besides money.
You’re probably better off stopping the clothes-buying, too.
There are plenty of women out there, so don’t fixate on her—go back to browsing women’s profiles.
But don’t even think about offering no allowance.
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Ah, you’re completely on the hostess-club track now. My condolences. Still, if she’s enjoying it, I don’t see anything wrong with it.
She is meeting you and even showing you the way forward, so I don’t think she’s rejecting you.
With this type of “once we get closer,” it may be easier to understand it as “the cumulative amount of financial value you’ve provided.”
Her enjoyment of the conversation and genuine feelings may play a role too, but for a highly experienced woman, those factors are within the margin of error. You probably don’t need to do anything special.
The terms will likely be pay-per-meeting with an allowance of ¥100,000 or more. Alternatively, it may be a monthly arrangement of ¥300,000 or more, followed by something like, “I’m busy, so even if we meet, it’ll probably only be once a month.”
Still, if you like her, or if what you want is an amateur feel rather than a hostess-club experience, then why not? Best of luck.
Tomorrow, I think I’ll have duck soba while thinking of you, questioner.
Taro
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Do you mean this spring, not last spring?
Surely you don’t mean last year?
Which one of you was busier?
“Agreeing on the terms, then getting closer”
suggests that he sees you as a standard papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) papa (a male supporter).
Of course, she probably wouldn’t meet you without money, but since you met through this arrangement, that’s a given.
If you’re happy to meet her because you enjoy giving her gifts, that’s fine—but it does feel like she already has you wrapped around her finger.
She probably has plenty of other papas, too. If you can accept that without questioning it, you may be able to become one of her papas.
Marika
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