I’m the person who posted yesterday that I’ve been in a relationship for a year and a half.

Question

Thank you all for your various advice and opinions. The comments were so perceptive and saw right through me that, while they made me feel pretty self-loathing, they were also incredibly helpful. I feel like yesterday’s discussion may have gone slightly off track because I glossed over some details, so I’d like to add them honestly. - How we met: a certain papa-katsu site (initial “L”) - Me: 45, married (she knew and accepted that) - Her: 34, single When I first started looking, I searched on several sites besides L. She was registered on some of them as well. We met through L, and both of us subsequently left the site. After we’d been seeing each other for a year and a half, I happened to look at another papa-katsu site that I hadn’t logged into at all, half out of curiosity and half thinking, “Surely she isn’t still on there, right?” I discovered that she had re-registered under a different username and updated her profile, and I was deeply shaken. I completely did it to myself. Yesterday I wrote that “from our conversations, I could sense that she was probably seeing several men besides me,” but that was a lie. I’m sorry. The truth is that I searched for and found a papa-katsu site I had no business looking at in the first place. In fact, when she’s spending time with me, she never hints at the presence of other men. Sometimes she even tells me that I’m the only one, despite knowing it isn’t true. The other day she clearly said, “At my age, you’re the only person I’d show myself naked to,” and internally I was thinking, “Oh, come on, there must be others.” Whether we’re together or messaging on LINE, I feel like she makes an effort to create a world just for the two of us and is very considerate. That’s why I feel that if I suddenly tried to get her to tell me about other men, she would despise me and this relationship would end in an instant—like in *The Crane’s Return of a Favor*. I think the main reason I was so shaken this time was that she had worked so hard not to give me any indication of it, yet she was still active. When Mac-san wrote, “Surely you’re not married,” I was startled because he really saw right through me. As Taro-san said, I don’t think this is true love. In the end, I simply want the physical side of the relationship. We have a good relationship, but I don’t want to abandon my wife, divorce her, and start a life with this woman—and she presumably wouldn’t want that either. I’m sure the women reading this will despise the kind of self-centered male ego behind what I’m saying. As Joe-san said, I’d like to accept the feelings of unease and restlessness as part of what makes this experience worthwhile. I respect and envy all of you who have overcome various difficulties, faced them head-on, and continued your arrangements. I’m also sorry that my question stirred up unnecessary tension between Aya-san and the men. The fact that Aya-san’s comment received overwhelmingly the most likes must reflect the truth from the women’s perspective… This isn’t a question, and I’m sorry for the long post. Everyone’s opinions and advice really sank in. They encouraged me, but they also made me realize all over again how self-centered I am. I’ll try to process everything in my own way and consult with my inner sense of reason.

Answer 1

Ah, I see—that’s what you meant（笑） I’ve had a similar experience. I met a woman through another club, and on our second date, she brought up the idea of us dating. We liked each other and agreed to give it a try, but since she still needed the money, we’d continue under the same terms as before. Not long after that, she signed up with Universe（！）and became incredibly active, making full use of comments and her calendar（笑）. Whenever I asked when she could meet next, my Type A girlfriend would always come back with a definite date marked “OK” on her calendar（笑）. I’m sure the questioner felt the same way, but you can’t help thinking, “Wait, what?” And if she wanted to see multiple people, there was no need for her to say she wanted to date me in the first place. Why tell an unnecessary lie? After that, the next few dates became interrogations（笑）. I couldn’t exactly say I’d seen her on Universe, so I’d press her with things like, “It’s okay if you’re seeing someone else, you know.” But of course, she just denied everything. Thanks to that, I became pretty good at learning how she lied. As I mentioned in my previous post, I continued because the intimate side was good. Since we were playing the role of lovers, we had long, passionate, very affectionate encounters without protection. The quality was pretty impressive. Aside from that, I personally felt, “We’re not really lovers,” so even when she made romantic gestures, I handled them like an adult（笑）. Still, she seemed comfortable with me, and although I didn’t consider her my girlfriend, I did like her, so I was genuinely happy when she looked like she was having fun. When my feelings got intense, I’d message her on LINE saying, “I love you,” and she’d reply, “Me too.” That would bring me back to my senses a little（笑）. Things continued for another year. She eventually left Universe, but my lie-detection radar kept going off, wondering whether she was active elsewhere or had another monthly arrangement. Our relationship didn’t deepen into something more like a real romance; it stayed at a certain level. However, her responses during our intimate time improved even further, and things turned out very nicely. There were plenty of lies, but maybe she really did like me and simply wanted to have a relationship in her own way. Maybe that’s why her responses were so good. Or maybe she was simply very passionate. But no one can know the truth. She might not even know it herself. In that situation, I wonder how necessary it really is to insist on something like “true love.” When deciding whether to continue, I chose to judge by something clear and easy to understand—the quality of our intimate time—and decided that was enough for me. If there happened to be romantic feelings too, I could just think, “Well, that’s nice.” By relaxing and letting go of the pressure, I feel like I was actually able to notice the little signs of affection and build a good relationship with her. I’m not sure how well I’ve conveyed this, but thank you for giving me the opportunity to put it into words. I hope the questioner has a moment of truth someday too. Taro

Answer 2

I didn’t get around to answering your previous question, so I’ll respond here. Aya may be right when it comes to people up to their mid-20s, but for women in their late 20s to 30s—about the age of the woman you’re seeing—men in their late 40s or early 50s, especially those who are successful at work, are very much in their strike zone. They can even seem more attractive than men their own age. Of course, there’s a huge amount of individual variation in that age group. Some become stereotypical old men, while others grow more distinguished and dapper with age. Only the latter tend to be popular, though. When I was 29, four close friends from high school got together. Aside from one who had just gotten married, three of us—including me—were having affairs with men around 50. So it’s not that genuine feelings never develop. But unless the man clearly draws a line, things can head in unwanted directions: women may spend years being strung along by someone who keeps saying he’ll get divorced, or a man’s family may fall apart even though that was never what she intended. That’s why I think men have a need—and a responsibility—to make it clear that although they genuinely care for her, this is still an allowance-based relationship. I feel that way especially because I’m the type to fall for someone. I’ve experienced all kinds of affairs and mistress relationships since my mid-20s, and I’m considerably older than you. Even now, I still have good relationships with my papas, so I hope my perspective is at least somewhat helpful. Being kind isn’t just about expressing your feelings—it can also mean drawing a line. And as Mac said, you should almost be grateful that she wasn’t truly serious about you. It would be awful if she became genuinely consumed by her feelings. Marika

Answer 3

The shock the questioner is feeling right now is probably about a hundred times weaker than what his wife would feel if she found out about his papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), so keep that in mind. It’s not just the possessiveness and jealousy—you’ve also lost the ability to trust the woman you were seeing, right? Even if the questioner’s papa-katsu were exposed and he told his wife, “I don’t want to break up. You’re really the one I love most,” she would no longer be able to believe everything, because she wouldn’t know which parts were lies and which parts were true. His wife may already have noticed. But getting divorced at this point would be difficult, so perhaps she’s pretending not to know and continuing the marriage. Still, her resentment over the betrayal probably won’t disappear completely. What’s frightening isn’t jealousy or possessiveness—it’s distrust. You should be careful too, Date◎Yume. Thinking, “My wife has already retired from sex, so it’s fine,” is far too carefree. If the woman the questioner is seeing has another papa (a male supporter), then at least she probably won’t fall genuinely in love with him and come along to destroy his family. So that’s fortunate. P.S. Since I’m writing this anyway, the thing papa-katsu women need to be most careful about isn’t becoming numb to money—it’s becoming numb to lying. In this world, everyone lies as naturally as they breathe, but women who don’t do papa-katsu don’t lie nearly as much. Don’t think, “Lying is just like makeup—everyone does it.” Losing people’s trust is scary. That’s why people in ordinary society don’t lie so casually, and parents teach their children, “You mustn’t lie.”

I’m the person who posted yesterday that I’ve been in a relationship for a year and a half.

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I’m the person who posted yesterday that I’ve been in a relationship for a year and a half.

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