I’ve met a wonderful male member.

I thought it might have been me, but since the first date from my first offer in a while was almost a match with a post from the day before, unfortunately it wasn’t. She was very affectionate too, and we stayed naked, holding each other for a long time afterward. It had been a while since I’d met such a wonderful woman, so I mistakenly thought, “Could this be about me?” But she hasn’t messaged me on LINE or anything since then, so I guess not, haha. As the other responders said, it’s good to show her how much you like her when you’re together, but match her pace when it comes to how often you message. Also, if you get too emotionally invested, she may end up disliking you. So I think it would be better for you to spread your feelings around as much as possible—get a boyfriend, find a friend with benefits, or date other papas as well.

I can’t say what the man you’re seeing is thinking, but maybe you could try arranging to meet twice a month. I’m married too, but I don’t mind being told “I love you” as long as it isn’t excessive—and honestly, I’m happy to hear it. Maybe I feel that way because there’s a significant age gap between us, though… If anything, rather than saying “I love you” repeatedly, I think it’s better for the relationship to be someone he feels comfortable with—someone he can learn things from and considers important, including the allowance. Why not try sweetly asking, “I’d like to see you twice a month”? In my case, we’ve been seeing each other for five years now. Since the beginning, we’ve met twice a month and generally exchanged one message each day. Meeting twice a month seems to be just the right frequency—not too often, not too rarely—and the woman I’m seeing seems to like it too.

Do you have the kind of personality that makes men want to chase after you? What makes you think that about this man? If you act difficult, many men will simply think, “Forget it. Goodbye.” Besides, this is only a once-a-month relationship, right? You’re probably just one of his fifth- or sixth-choice convenient women. Instead of keeping things at once a month, try to build the relationship so you can see him two or three times a month. Don’t rush.

You’re seriously downplaying the fact that he’s married. You write that you have no intention whatsoever of “stealing him away,” but that’s not enough. From his wife’s perspective, you’re someone she could seek damages from. From his children’s perspective, you’re a villain who suddenly appeared and is trying to take advantage of their father’s affection. Let me be clear: even if you call it papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), you’re still a thief trying to steal something precious from someone else’s family. The man is arguably your accomplice, but neither society nor the law sees it that way. You’ve heard the fallacy that “women get groped because they wear miniskirts,” right? In this case, the man is the woman wearing the miniskirt, and you’re the groper. Wake up. One day, you, both of you, or everyone involved—including his family—will end up unhappy because of your lust.

I don’t think it’s helpful to generalize by saying things like, “Men want to be pursued.” Everyone is different, so you should really pay attention to the man you love and think about what works for him. As for you, it sounds like meeting once a month feels lonely and you’d like to increase the frequency. I think you should simply tell him that honestly. However, since he’s the one giving the allowance, it’s only natural for him to wonder, “Does she want to see me because she wants the money?” To help him understand that you genuinely like him—not that you’re only interested in the money—you should clearly show him, in ways that suit him, that you care about him. I feel that trying to keep your distance and stay “reasonably level-headed” could actually have the opposite effect. By the way, I initially saw my partner about once a week, but after she told me she wanted to see me more, we now meet around 12 times a month. I love her very much too, but even I wondered, “Is she only interested in the money?” That thought crossed my mind. Through the way she acted when we were together and how we kept in touch when we weren’t, I became certain that she genuinely liked me, and we’ve been happy together. Starting next year, we’re working around our schedules so we can meet 15 times a month—about once every two days.

From the man’s perspective, if he’s only recently started seeing a woman and meets her about once a month, he probably regards her as someone he wouldn’t mind losing touch with. She’s someone he can meet casually because it wouldn’t really matter if things ended at any point. From the woman’s perspective, that composure and ease may sometimes feel like he’s so secure that he doesn’t want to cut things off and wants to keep seeing her. It’s not that the man necessarily feels they’re especially compatible. Even if she says she likes him or says anything else, he doesn’t pay much attention. His interest is limited. That said, if he were completely indifferent, he wouldn’t even feel the need to meet her. Whether or not he expresses romantic feelings, he needs to make it clear that she’s special to him and that he wants to continue seeing her. If he doesn’t convey that strongly enough, the relationship will naturally fade out. In their usual LINE messages, he also needs to avoid sending too many messages and match the intervals between her replies.

It depends on the circumstances, but I think it’s important to assess the situation based on the fact that, despite the intimacy, this is still an allowance-based relationship. For example, if the man feels that a once-a-month arrangement is ideal because of his finances or busy schedule, wanting to meet more often may be difficult because you would have to expand his availability. On the other hand, he may normally meet someone once or twice a week, with you occupying only the once-a-month slot. In that case, you would have to take a slot currently reserved for another woman. That’s difficult in its own way, but it’s a different kind of challenge from the one I mentioned earlier. Statistically speaking, I think the latter situation is more common. This is a game of information, so it’s best to start by gathering information about him. I don’t know how often you contact each other between your monthly meetings, but it’s important to gradually increase the frequency by finding reasons to reach out or expanding on topics of conversation. Everyone has a different rhythm—some exchange one message each way per day, while others have concentrated conversations when there’s something to discuss—but before trying to meet more often, it’s important to first make your communication more frequent and substantial. During those conversations, casually try to learn more about his situation: whether he’s seeing anyone else, what he thinks of you, and so on. If you put unspoken pressure on him, you may prompt him to lie, so it’s important to ask in a way that makes it easy for him to give answers you might not like as well. You can ignore advice like “make him keep wondering about you” or the kind of strategies you’d find in a book about winning someone over. The premise here is different from ordinary romance. In an allowance-based relationship, you build an emotional connection after already having an intimate relationship, so the order is reversed and the usual logic doesn’t necessarily apply. That said, if you like him, I do think it’s important to tell him how you feel. Rather than dwelling on it too much, it’s probably better to say it when you feel it. If you express it lightly and naturally, without making it feel calculated or suggestive of ulterior motives, it will be easier for him to receive—and he likely won’t take it badly. However, whether he accepts those feelings and takes the relationship deeper, or keeps it at a more superficial level, is a separate issue. Telling him how you feel may change things, of course, but you should also be prepared for the possibility that the relationship may not deepen as a result. To sum up, I’d say there are three points: (1) gather information first, (2) express your feelings honestly, and (3) accept it if things don’t work out. I wish you the best of luck. Taro

You don’t have to hold yourself back when you’re together. In this world, girls who are that honest and straightforward are seen as “cute.” On the other hand, unless your papa is a bored private-practice dermatologist who wants a pure-love romance with a younger girl straight out of a cheap novel, you’re better off not constantly telling him how much you like him when you’re apart. Because it can come across as insincere—especially if you only see each other about once a month. Apparently, some girls act pretty normal while they’re together, then text things like, “I had such a great time! I want to see you again! ♡” the moment they part ways. A somewhat level-headed papa may just lose interest and think, “Why didn’t you show that enthusiasm while we were together? Do you really think I’m that easy?” So I recommend doing the opposite. While you’re together, show your affection with all your energy—be sexy, cute, and openly into him, like Marika. When you’re apart, keep things more restrained and match his pace. If your time together is sexy, cute, and passionate, there’s a chance he’ll continue even if you only meet once a month. But hopefully it can gradually become more frequent. Just be honest and give it your all.

② It depends on the person. Saying that men are creatures who want to chase is just a clever-sounding cliché. To be frank, both asking complete strangers about this and worrying about it in the first place are pretty silly. Also, speaking for myself, if I were truly compatible with someone, I’d try to arrange to see them about once a week rather than once a month. If it stays at once a month, then from the man’s perspective, I think the relationship is only worth that much.

When you’re together, it’s fine to be cute and sexy and show him how much you adore him. And if seeing him only once a month feels lonely, I think it’s okay to say so while you’re together and being affectionate. As for messaging on LINE, though, it’s wisest to match the frequency and content of his messages. Some people reach out once a day, some only exchange scheduling details, and others go back and forth with casual conversation. The basic rule is to match his style. Trying to make him chase you by deliberately acting cold or using other petty tactics is so transparent that a mature man would probably just laugh it off. There are a rare few who see right through it and still happily play along, though. Marika