This isn’t about someone from this club, but I met a papa (a male supporter) for the first time four days ago. We had dinner, hit it off really well, and had a great conversation. He seemed to like me and even talked about seeing each other in the future.
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His birthday is one week after the day we met, and when he said he had no special plans, I told him, “If you’d like, why don’t we go out for dinner again? I’d love to celebrate with you.”
However, the next day, he messaged me saying things like, “You’re so attractive that I’m worried I might fall for you, so I’m wondering whether I should end our relationship.”
I really liked him, so I told him, “It would be lonely to say goodbye like this,” and we agreed to go out for dinner on his birthday.
Then he replied, “I’m not sure about meeting on my birthday if I have to pay an allowance…”
Would it be best to say, “Since it’s your birthday, you don’t have to give me an allowance!”? I do want to continue our relationship, so I’d be fine with that. But part of me wonders if he’s actually looking for a reason to end things because I didn’t live up to his expectations or something.
What should I reply to him?
Sorry this got so long, and thank you for reading. I look forward to your advice.
Since he isn’t part of this club, there are no rules.
He’s probably the type of man who’s looking for a relationship without an allowance—someone who wants an adult relationship without paying one.
If you’re comfortable becoming friends with benefits with him, then you could continue seeing him as is.
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Maybe he simply wasn’t that into you.
It also sounds like you were the only one who felt a connection.
He probably felt disappointed the moment he saw you, so there was no noticeable change in his mood for you to pick up on. From his perspective, you were probably below even a backup option.
He may actually have wanted to leave as soon as he saw you. (But he might have switched gears and treated it as practice, keeping it off his face and making an effort to keep things lively. Then, even though he’d intended it to be a one-time meeting, he may receive an enthusiastic message from the woman afterward saying she had a great time and felt they clicked, like in your question, and think, “Huh?” It can be unexpectedly awkward.)
In that situation, meeting again a week later would feel depressing. He might prefer to leave at least a month between meetings. (If you make plans on the spot, it’s not easy to turn them down.)
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“Your birthday is a week away…” That’s probably just his usual line.
Do you really believe him?
You’ve only met once. You’re trusting him way too much.
Exactly—we’ve only met once, after all…
Spend your birthday with the person who matters most to you.
Just message him: “I’ll be waiting to hear from you when you have some free time.”
Otherwise, you’ll lower your own value.
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It sounds like you liked the man, but honestly, I don’t think he was that interested in you.
Maybe he felt guilty about turning you down when you were clearly interested, so he said something like, “You’re so attractive I might end up falling for you...” to soften the blow.
Also, if he genuinely liked you, he’d probably feel that having you meet him and celebrate his birthday was already a wonderful gift in itself. He’d likely even want to give you a larger allowance than usual in return.
So the fact that he didn’t want to pay just because it was his birthday... That’s basically like saying, “I’m not that interested in you.”
By the way, my birthday is also my partner’s birthday, so we celebrate each other’s birthdays (and I give her an allowance too).
Also, when I asked my partner what she wanted for Christmas, she said, “I’d be happy to see you one extra time this month, even without an allowance. Spending time with you is the best Christmas present for me.” That really made me happy.
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He comes across as pretty underhanded...
I think all he wants is to get you to say, “I don’t need an allowance—I want to see you.”
If he were genuinely falling for you, he’d support you wholeheartedly and do everything he could not to let you go.
Akari
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Don’t let yourself be swayed by words alone!
Just keep your original reason for signing up in mind and focus on achieving that goal.
If that means, “I’m fine even without an allowance,” then that’s perfectly okay too.
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If you joined a dating club looking for a relationship with an allowance, I think it’s best to say something like:
“I’m sorry, but I’m looking for a relationship that includes an allowance.”
Some men will say things like “I really like you,” “I’m very attracted to you,” or “We’re a great match,” only to try to date you through papa-katsu without providing an allowance.
This was especially common on dating apps, but unfortunately, you’ll find men like that at dating clubs too. If you clearly tell them that you’re looking for a relationship with an allowance and then decide whether you want to proceed, you may be able to avoid being deceived.
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It’s Fullerene!
First of all, is that birthday even real?
If you take a more skeptical view, maybe he’s the type whose birthday always happens to come a week after meeting someone for the first time.
(And then he gradually tries to turn things into a relationship without an allowance…)
If I were you, I’d send a slightly twisted reply like:
“Right, you’d want to spend your birthday with someone truly important to you. I’m perfectly fine meeting around that time!”
Then I’d see how he reacts.
Honestly, though, considering you’ve only met once, both you and the guy seem way too excited about this…
If you go out with him next time without an allowance, there’s about a 70% chance he’ll try to make a move.
On that note, women from Universe are reassuring because there are no birthday scams! lol
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If you’re comfortable with it, I think saying, “It’s my birthday, so you don’t have to give me an allowance,” would be a good move.
I don’t think his mindset is, “This was a disappointment, so I want to end things.” He’s definitely interested in you—that much is certain. Thinking further from that premise, there are two possibilities: one is that, despite what he says, he’s trying to turn things into a freebie; the other is that he’s forgotten the rules of the dating club and is genuinely starting to fall for you. I’d put it at 3:7, with the latter more likely. Either way, though, he’s a handful（笑）
If you’re going to build a good relationship, the latter is the better scenario. But to make that work, you need to take two steps: (1) figure out whether he really is in the latter category, and (2) teach him that even if he likes you, he still needs to pay the allowance. You’ll probably be able to tell naturally just by continuing to meet him for (1). For (2), you’ll need to have a proper conversation. You don’t have to say you “like” him—start by telling him that you’re very fond of him, while also making it clear that you still need the money. If you can get him to the point of thinking, “As a man, can’t I support a woman I care about?” then you’ve won.
Depending on his circumstances, it may take quite a bit of effort. You might even end up arguing sometimes. But if you’re both serious enough to argue, there’s no doubt you can build a good, long-term relationship. And the fact that you met without an allowance—even if it was because it was your birthday—will leave a powerful impression on him. It directly challenges a man’s insecurity that “Even if she says she likes me, it’s still ultimately about money, right?” with: “You met me without money on an important day, didn’t you? Do you still doubt how I feel?”
Steps (1) and (2) aren’t really separate. A man who can’t say yes to (2) is ultimately the same as the “former” type in (1). I think the whole game is to keep applying that pressure until he accepts—or rather, becomes convinced of—(2). That’s why I used the word “teach.” So, if you can accept it, you should definitely play that card.
If you met four days ago and are planning to meet a week later, that would be around Sunday, April 9, right? That’s only another two or three days away. The fact that he still hasn’t made other plans and is dragging out the conversation means there’s a very good chance you’re both interested（笑）. So I really hope you’ll go for it.
I’m writing this prepared to treat Flag-san to a full-course meal at Jojoen if things don’t work out. Not that I know（笑）
Taro
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> Since you clearly liked him quite a lot,
I think you should decide based on whether you’d still want to see him without receiving any money.
The man has already told you that he’s wondering whether to end the relationship because you’re so attractive that he might end up falling for you—in other words, he wants a relationship without money involved.
What he’s saying is that he’d like to date you if there’s no money involved, but if money is part of the arrangement, he won’t continue seeing you.
Since you didn’t seem to understand from that alone, he went on to say, “I don’t really want to meet on your birthday if I have to pay you an allowance…” Once again, he’s saying that he wants to be with you without paying you. This time, he’s expressed it a little more clearly than before.
It has nothing to do with your birthday. He means: “From now on, I want to see you without paying an allowance. If you want money, find someone else.”
So whether you’re okay with that or not will determine how you respond.
If you were looking for a papa (a male supporter), you should give up and look for someone else.
If you genuinely want to be with him even without an allowance, then you should continue seeing him without one.
It’s a freely chosen relationship, so the decision is yours.
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“I’m not comfortable paying an allowance to meet on your birthday…” is a strong sign that he may be a suspiciously stingy papa (a male supporter).
But if you like him, why not meet him on your birthday without an allowance?
Then you can decide whether to continue seeing him based on how he acts afterward.
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I’d rate this as a ⑤ on the “severity” scale.
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① You’re provoking the respondents because you want their attention; ② you’re not being malicious, but you’re bored and want to chat; ③ you’re too lazy to look it up yourself or contact the branch, so you want a quick answer; ④ it’s just a simple question; ⑤ you’re genuinely troubled and seriously looking for advice.
(The seriousness increases from ① to ⑤.)
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You call him a papa, but if he says, “I’m not sure about meeting and paying you an allowance on your birthday…”—and brings that up on only the second date—then he isn’t a papa. Getting paid is what makes him a papa.
I’m not saying the man is necessarily a bad person. There may be an age gap, but in a normal romantic relationship, money shouldn’t be changing hands in the first place. What’s a little underhanded is this: did they meet through a dating club or a papa-katsu app? If so, he should just use Tinder or another regular dating app.
Think of it the other way around. What would you think of a woman using Tinder to try to do papa-katsu and get money out of a man? Or imagine a man using a matchmaking app to pick up women purely for sex. You could even call that marriage fraud, couldn’t you?
So that man is basically a papa-katsu scammer—like a marriage scammer. Yeah, he is a bad guy after all.
> “He’s so attractive that I feel like I might fall for him, so I’m wondering whether I should end things.”
That kind of line is so sugary it makes your teeth ache. If he’s continuing to see other women, does that mean those women aren’t attractive or that he doesn’t like them? He’s obviously lying.
But women love and believe these ridiculously obvious lines. I use them myself sometimes.
Or maybe he simply doesn’t like the questioner that much. It’s like declining a marriage proposal by saying, “It’s too good an offer for our family.” His “I’m not sure about meeting and paying you an allowance on your birthday…” may be the same sort of thing. Maybe he only likes you enough to think, “I might meet her if it’s free.”
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② I don’t think other people should be telling you what’s best. Allowance-based dating is probably more than someone who can’t think or make decisions for themselves can handle.
P.S. To explain why I initially thought it was ②: it seemed like the usual tactic of getting respondents to criticize men. If that’s the case, then it’s ①.
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If it doesn’t turn out as expected, you can blame me, so say, “It’s papa’s birthday, so I don’t need an allowance today!”
Even with a rental, you’re expected to pay a security deposit and key money for a good property, right? If he’s a good catch, just think of going without an allowance once as paying the deposit and key money.
Now’s the time to press your advantage. Once he likes you more, you can pull back. Don’t back off now.
…And if it doesn’t turn out as expected, yell, “You damn red-flag maker! Drop dead!”
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