It’s not through Universe Club, but I’ve been seeing someone who gives me a modest allowance—about ¥30,000 per meeting. He’s in his 70s and used to be my boss.
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He recently became ill, and we hadn’t seen each other for over six months. I told him by email that I wanted to end things, but he keeps emailing me.
I thought of it as papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), but did he see me as his girlfriend? If money was involved, doesn’t that make it papa-katsu?
I’m not sure how these two points are connected:
“I told him goodbye by email, but he keeps emailing me.”
and
“I thought this was papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), but did he think I was his girlfriend?”
Even if it was papa-katsu, he might still keep emailing you if he didn’t want things to end.
So even if both you and he saw it as papa-katsu, it’s actually more common for him to continue contacting you.
In the first place, if the reason was simply that you hadn’t been able to meet for over six months, I think you could consider starting things up again.
If there was another reason, then explain it clearly and tell him that you won’t be resuming the relationship.
If you disliked the allowance being too low, you could suggest your own terms, such as meeting for a monthly advance allowance of 100,000 yen.
He might then think that he should give up if those are your terms.
If he asked to meet without giving you any money, you could simply tell him that payment is necessary.
That said, it also feels like there isn’t enough information in the question.
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People may have different views on this, but here are my two cents.
First:
I don’t believe that simply involving money automatically makes something papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan).
For example, if a husband gives his stay-at-home wife money for living expenses, we wouldn’t call it papa-katsu just because money is involved. In the same way, if both people understand the money in their relationship as something other than papa-katsu, I think it’s possible for them to have a relationship where “the boyfriend is financially supporting his girlfriend” rather than one that is papa-katsu.
That said, this only applies when both people clearly understand and acknowledge that they are boyfriend and girlfriend. In the questioner’s case, where the man thought she was his girlfriend but she viewed it as papa-katsu, then it was unquestionably papa-katsu and nothing more.
Second:
Whether it’s papa-katsu or a romantic relationship, I don’t think it’s okay to keep pestering someone after they’ve told you it’s over.
The problem isn’t that the man keeps sending messages because she was his papa-katsu partner. Even if he had been her boyfriend, sending persistent messages would still be nothing but a nuisance.
If he won’t stop, I think it would be fine to send something like:
“Whether our relationship was papa-katsu or a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, I can’t accept someone who keeps sending persistent messages without considering how bothersome it is. Goodbye for good.”
Then block him.
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Even if it’s essentially papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), I don’t think it’s really papa-katsu—or that she’s actually your girlfriend.
Originally, I don’t think this is the kind of relationship that necessarily needs to end.
If the two of you were genuinely inseparable from the start, I don’t see a problem with continuing it.
That said, constantly receiving emails isn’t healthy, so you may have no choice but to cut things off.
If the messages continue even after you leave them unanswered for a while, cut contact completely.
Ideally, the man should be understanding and supportive enough that the woman herself would ask to become one of his girlfriends. If the relationship brings you neither that feeling nor any real benefits, it’s probably best to end it.
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I understand repeatedly contacting someone you like. I do it too.
But if the feelings are one-sided, honestly, I’d want them to let me down cleanly—without sugarcoating it or holding back.
I think handling the rejection gracefully is part of papa-katsu too. A clean break might be hard for someone in their 70s, so perhaps it would be best to meet once and gently put an end to things.
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“Severity” scale
＝＝＝＝＝
① Provoking people because you want the respondents to pay attention to you, ② wanting to make small talk because you’re bored, without any ill intent, ③ wanting a quick answer because researching it yourself or contacting the branch is a hassle, ④ a simple, genuine question, ⑤ seriously struggling with a real problem
(the severity increases from ① to ⑤)
＝＝＝＝＝
I’d say this is probably a ⑤?
That said, with a couple in their 40s and 70s, this is what you’re hung up on? That’s pretty disappointing. This is the kind of concern you’d expect from a woman in her 20s.
The complaints and grumbling from a man in his 60s are bad enough, but would a woman in her 40s really be agonizing over something like this?
Basically, you want to cut ties with an old man who’s no longer useful to you, but you feel guilty about it, so you’re asking here because you want an excuse to justify yourself, right?
If you were a young woman, I could forgive that kind of cruelty as the result of ignorance. But you’re in your 40s.
I’m not going to blame you for cutting ties with that old man. Just don’t use “because it’s papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan)” to justify it. Acknowledge that you’re simply a person with little sentiment, and carry that truth with you to your grave.
You don’t have to reply, but in your heart, put your hands together and pay your respects in gratitude for everything he’s done for you.
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Sadly, it seems that most papas see themselves as a girlfriend or romantic partner.
They may have thought of you as someone important to them and given you an allowance to help out with various expenses.
That said, if you want to end things, I think the only option is to clearly communicate how you feel.
Some people can create distance without ever saying goodbye, even when they know it’s over. Others can become persistent even after the relationship has ended.
Even within a dating club, where the premise should be clear, misunderstandings happen all the time. When it’s an arrangement that began outside the club, it may be even harder for them to recognize themselves as a papa.
Akari
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Whether money is involved or not, I think whether a relationship is papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) or a romantic relationship ultimately depends on how the people involved see it.
If you say, “I’m giving her money because she’s my girlfriend,” then that’s living expenses. If you say, “It’s papa-katsu,” then it’s an allowance.
I can’t tell from your question how long you were together or how emotionally involved the relationship was, but presumably, to your former boss in his 70s, it wasn’t the kind of simple relationship that could be ended with a quick email.
I think all you can do is carefully explain your feelings once more and bring things to a proper end.
From Tsubaki, currently working through a breakup in my private life too (lol). Let’s both do our best.
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