How can I become a woman who seems approachable?

Question

People tell me I look like I’d be popular based on my appearance and figure, but I’m unbelievably unpopular. My boyfriend says I seem like a career woman and that I’m very direct. Other people, both men and women, tell me things like: “You don’t try to win men over, do you?” “You’re pretty no-nonsense.” “You seem like you could make a good living and get by perfectly well on your own.” “You don’t seem to have any openings.” “You turn people down so clearly that you probably don’t attract weirdos.” From my perspective, I frequently say things to men like: “That’s a lovely outfit. It really suits you—you look great.” “You’re such a gentleman, Mr. ○○. I really like men like that.” “I wish I could date a man like you…” I feel like I’m constantly trying to flatter them and saying whatever I can to be liked. I also initiate physical contact quite often. So after doing all that, I genuinely don’t understand why men still see me as “a woman who doesn’t try to win men over.” I want to say, “Everything I say is obviously me trying to flatter you!” How much do other women actually change their behavior? What does it mean for a woman to seem approachable? In what ways do they show that they’re open to being approached? I even tried creating a contrast by saying things like, “I often eat Jiro ramen by myself,” but it didn’t have much effect.

Answer 1

This is Fullerene! > Saying things like, “I often eat Jiro ramen by myself,” didn’t really have much effect. That’s exactly the problem!!! I laughed so hard. Adorable. I mean, you already have a boyfriend, so isn’t that enough? But I get it—sometimes you want to cling to a guy’s arm. That said, it’s 1,000% obvious that your flattery is just flattery, so it no longer functions as flattery at all. The opening isn’t in the words themselves; the words are riding on the opening. The actual content of what you say is irrelevant. Still, since you have a boyfriend, why not use him as your practice partner? Say “nyaa~” to him. At no point should you turn into a lion, attack him, or make demands. Just keep saying “nyaa~” and wait for him to give you attention. This is practice for figuring out how to get him to fuss over you.

Answer 2

I’m also a career-woman type with a straightforward personality—I like things to be clear-cut. But I can usually win over almost anyone I’m interested in, and I often end up in the “cute girl” role, so I’ve thought about why that might be. I don’t think showing a little vulnerability means acting coquettish. The same goes for physical affection. To me, the kind of vulnerability that makes someone popular is more like making a guy think, “I have to protect her.” For example, she may be perfectly organized about making reservations, but she’s actually terrible with directions and gets a little lost. Or she can handle everything on her own, but is secretly lonely and finds herself envying couples out on dates on the weekends. Having someone rely on you for absolutely everything is a hassle, but little moments that make you think, “Oh, she has a surprisingly cute side too,” are the kind of vulnerability—and contrast—that make someone attractive. That’s my take!

Answer 3

No one in this world is completely flawless—men and women alike… Once you see it that way, there’s no need to overthink anything.

Answer 4

I don’t think you need to become the kind of woman who seems “easy to get close to” in the first place. I think the reason you’re not attracting people is that you’re trying so hard to suppress your true self and put on an act. You don’t need to flatter men or touch them casually. In fact, I’d really dislike it if someone did that to me. The person I’m seeing is career-oriented, straightforward, and clear about what she likes and dislikes. She doesn’t use flattery or unnecessary physical contact, and that’s exactly why I fell for her. Showing your true self can be difficult at first, but at least trying to present a version of yourself that’s close to the real you may be the key to building a good relationship. You should stop trying to become someone you’re not.

Answer 5

For Joe, there’s no mystery as to why he would ask a question like this.

Answer 6

First of all, why do you want to be popular when you already have a boyfriend? If you want to be fussed over, you currently give off the impression of being an unattainable beauty, so you’d think people would be fawning over you. The fact that they aren’t might mean your appearance is the issue. It may sound harsh, but if you’re attractive, people will fawn over you without you having time to think about whether you seem approachable or not. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing aside, appearance is all outsiders notice at first. So you may need to work harder on self-presentation when it comes to improving your looks. Even if you have a good figure, there must be some reason people other than your boyfriend aren’t responding to you—perhaps you’re bad at makeup, lack a sense of cleanliness, wear strange clothes, or have an unflattering hairstyle. Good luck.

Answer 7

“Seriousness” scale ＝＝＝＝＝ ① Provoking the respondent because you want their attention, ② You’re bored and just want some small talk, though there’s no malicious intent, ③ You can’t be bothered to look it up yourself or contact the branch, so you want a quick answer, ④ A simple, genuine question, ⑤ You’re seriously struggling with a real problem (Seriousness increases from ① to ⑤.) ＝＝＝＝＝ Like Kazu, I’d say it’s probably either ② or ④. Though from her perspective, maybe it’s ⑤? The moment you start worrying, “How can I become a woman who seems approachable?” you’re already not leaving yourself any openings. A woman who naturally has openings wouldn’t worry about that in the first place. Try breaking the habit of always giving clear yes-or-no answers and responding properly whenever you’re asked something. Saying things like, “Hmm, I’m not really sure,” will bring you closer to becoming a more approachable woman.

Answer 8

You can’t exactly sit there spacing out with a goofy look on your face for a while, right? For now, just give up on trying to become the kind of woman who naturally lets her guard down. Instead, aim for the vulnerability and dependence you show when you’ve pushed yourself too hard and are completely exhausted. Go for that gap. That seems like something the person asking the question could actually pull off. For starters, try forcing yourself to drink too much.

Answer 9

② or ④ Aren’t you confusing being open and approachable with acting ingratiating? That flattery is completely transparent, and I don’t think flattery has anything to do with being open. Personally, women who touch people a lot simply seem to have a small personal bubble—or just want money. Being overly ingratiating also comes across as if they’re after something, like status, money, or gifts. To me, being open is something more fundamental: knowing how to reveal just the right amount of your private side. If you don’t really understand what I mean, then the quickest way to seem more open might be to get tipsy when you’re alone with someone and sit with your knees at least three fists apart while wearing a skirt. But if you do that clumsily, it may just look like you have ulterior motives beyond sex, so you have to handle it well. P.S. I can’t believe people still say, “It looks like you could earn enough to support yourself as a single woman,” even in the Reiwa era. That’s so Showa-era.

How can I become a woman who seems approachable?

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How can I become a woman who seems approachable?

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